THE VALUE OF A JUDGMENT, pt. I
As the days and years go by, I learn more and more how to differentiate my NEEDS from my WANTS. Like any other human-being, my WANTS are potentially limitless. But I have also learned that it’s easy to confuse WANTS with NEEDS. I’ve found that we often desperately, and with our whole heart, WANT all kinds of things that don’t add VALUE to our lives; many of these things are even far beyond the remote boundaries of our most peripheral NEEDS.
Thinking back, I look to the things I so desperately WANTED, which are now so unimportant to me, and I now see the flaws in my systems of judgment. So now, I’m re-establishing, rebuilding and reviewing the manner in which I make:
VALUE JUDGMENTS.
But first, I’ll start with a workable definition. The good folks who give us the American Heritage dictionary define a "VALUE JUDGEMENT" as: “A JUDGEMENT that assigns a VALUE, as to an object or action; a subjective evaluation." However, to provide a clearer view of MY concept of a VALUE JUDGMENT, I’ll add: “…or behavior or trait or quality in another person.”
How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?
Well… I think most people misunderstand the VALUE we place upon the qualities, traits and images we see in others. It’s a strange and almost overwhelming realization to find that some of the things you thought which once had a high VALUE are not particularly important to your life.
For instance, they say: “You can tell a lot about a man by his shoes.” I often laugh at that. I laugh because the only thing you can really tell is that the guy heard that saying before. NOW, THAT'S NOT TO SAY THAT THERE IS NO VALUE IN FINDING SOMEONE WHO IS DETAIL-ORIENTED IN THEIR LIFE. PERSONALLY, I PREFER SOMEONE THAT HAS THEIR LIFE TOGETHER. SO PLEASE, PICKING A SLOB/BUM IS USUALLY NOT A REASONABLE CHOICE; WE DON’T NEED TO CONTEMPLATE THOSE EXTREMES. Like the old folks say: The devil is in the detail. Details can create an accurate perception and be extremely helpful…or they can be misleading and lure you into misjudgment.
If details are what you VALUE and what impresses you when you see someone, you might need to find out the answer to this question: If this guy/girl is detail-oriented in their appearance (physical or professional or otherwise), are they detail-oriented in the SUBSTANTIVE aspects that build/maintain a workable relationship?
Through my own misjudgments, and by watching people around me, I see how people VALUE and seek details I doubt will enhance the substance of a serious relationship. The mistake comes from the ASSUMPTIONS we THINK we can make based on those things we VALUE. I’ll toss a few out there: 1) He has to be this tall; 2) Her breasts have to be this big; 3) He has to work in this industry; 4) She has to be into that type of music; 5) He has to dance like this; 6) She has to approach life that way; 7) He/She has to identify with these things I’ve been through in my life; 8) He/She has to have this kind of “Stylish-Life” (see my September 04, 2005 posting) …. and so on.
The problem: SUCESSS IN ONE PORTION OF SOMEONE’S LIFE DOES NOT MEAN THAT SUCCESS HAS PERMEATED THROUGH THE REST OF THEIR LIFE. Although, DO NOT take that as an endorsement of seeking failure or finding someone who dreams and doesn’t take care of business. To me, that's not REASONABLE.
Like many of those in the dating pool, I’ve had my share of heart-break because I wasn’t mature enough or experienced enough to VALUE the SUBSTANCE of the things that are important to building a LIFE. I gave too much priority and attention to first looking for the alluring traits and qualities I used to OVER-VALUE.
In a potential mate, I NEED: 1) a woman who has a concept of being in a FAMILY; 2) a woman who will help raise OUR children with OUR shared morals and values in life; 3) a woman who is ABLE to be part of a family; 4) a woman who believes and practices the discipline of FIDELITY; 5) a woman who is REASONABLE; 6) a woman who can be RATIONAL when we have a problem to solve; 7) a woman who is consicous AND respectful of the FAITH and TRUST I give when I am in love... and so on.
There’s nothing like losing someone who once meant the world to you and then finding out you VALUED things in them that weren’t important in the long-run. Often, it’s worse than a death in the family. In death, there is the eventual solace of knowing there was a cause and effect… no matter how unfair that cause may be. When your heart crumbles to pieces, you are often left with questions of “why” and “what happened” that will NEVER be answered with ANY true measure of satisfaction.
It hurts like hell to learn that your VALUE JUDGMENTS are what create a HUGE portion of your unhappiness with your CHOICE in a mate, especially when you THINK you NEED what you WANT to VALUE.
So I wonder… how many of our heartbreaks could have been avoided with a clearer view of what we NEED to VALUE, as opposed to what we WANT to VALUE?
Peace and Love,
nosthegametoo
16 comments:
Wow! Your blog is deep. Thanks for the lesson on want and need. I know many people get so caught up on wanting something so badly they begin to think that they need it.
I think realizing that the choices you made five years ago are affecting your life today has the most effect on your wants and needs. Think hard on your decisions everyday and you may realize maybe you don't really need this or that; maybe you don't even want this or that...
...or them.
I think to ponder such a question as yours, would be a colossal waste of energy. It is true that those who do not learn from their past are doomed to repeat it. However, I think that the ability to simply let go of your attachments is a much better pursuit.
It would be most wise to not attempt to avoid heart break. Each moment of your life is dedicated to learning something. Humans are curious creatures by nature, you can not know what you need without exploring what you want. If you do not know what you want, you will not know what you need. Progression is a human condition. To progress, you must fail.
Interesting read...
Be Human
@ Rose:
Thank you for stopping by. I think you’re right, a lot of the time we convince ourselves that what we WANT is essential to our happiness. I doubt that we can replace what we NEED, with all the things that we find pleasant.
@ Joseph Blanx:
I agree with you. Over time, our wants change. I think I needs change as well, but I wonder if our needs really change as much as they multiply, such as our responsibilities in life.
@ Prata:
I see the abstract truth in what you say. However, it’s not really realistic to let go of all your attachments in the Western world. There are plenty of Eastern philosophies that go down that road, and I think they have helpful principles to guide us in life. But I also think that “letting go” is a balance of what you NEED to let go, and what you might WANT to let go.
Also, I agree that exploration is positive, but it should be done with wisdom. Do you really need to touch fire to know that it’s hot? If you think you NEED to touch it, aren’t you making the largest possible waste of time in pain and recovery, especially when you KNOW the result?
nosthegametoo ^_^
Hello, how are you? Being from Missouri, and therefore in the west, I find the statement concerning 'letting go' false. Being a zen buddhist, I would challenge you to quantify this idea.
I would even go so far as to say it is unrealistic to assume that in the western world continuing down the path in which the society is traveling that western society will survive with human morals intact. I have not much faith in western society, but I believe all people are basically good. Your attachments are what create havoc. All humans know what they need, they are simply marred by the desires created by industry and coveting your neighbors (in this expanding world that does not mean those you necessarily are in contact with everyday) goods.
Knowledge and wisdom are not the same thing. As Albert Einstein said: "Wisdom is not a product of schooling but of the life-long attempt to acquire it."
i learn so much from you that is why i keep coming back lol!!! hey gurl!!!!!
yall shoudl really write a book.
like seriously...
I need my family with me I want nothing more.
i agree w/ what the post above me said but i dont think judaism fits will w. hinduism and buddhism.
Christinaity as hypocritical -- i'm sorry i just disagree but I don't even fill like getting into it.
@ Hernesto G:
I think your philosophy may work for the individual, but relationships are not solely about the pleasure of the individual. A relationship by nature demands certain scarifies. And one of those scarifies is a reasonable measure of personal pleasure. Like the Hebrew sage Rabbi Hillel teaches: “If I am for my own self only, what am I?”
And by the way, a woman divorcing her husband because he is not sexually pleasing her, under that particular ancient contract, is NOT an example of a differing attitude on sex. The woman had to be married to her husband; though she had the right to terminate her relationship. The contract did not seek to encourage infidelity. In fact, infidelity had a harsh punishment.
@ Prata:
We are attached to so many things in life and the Western world. I for one would not choose to let go of certain attachments that cause pain. For instance, someone I love or my family. This may be a possible way for an individual to achieve his possible nirvana, but I don’t choose to live solely as an individual. I have relationship I choose to keep and cultivate.
We are often too attached to may things, such as our work; though our work is what enables us to provide a life for ourselves and our families. I would challenge you to put your philosophy of “letting go” into serious practice in the modern Western world. There are plenty of things I think we choose to not let go because they bring us some of the most important happiness in life, along with some of the worst suffering.
@ Danielle:
Thanks for coming by, you know we love you here. And Peace and Love to the Unit.
@ rell:
Who knows, if we really think that people are getting something out of our experiences, we just might have to go ahead and write that book.
@ honkeie2:
I agree with you. Family is a huge need in my life. The other needs are only in the context of determining who I will bring into my family as my mate.
@: Cane:
I cannot think of a philosophical identity, or especially political ideology that can’t be perverted by hypocrites or heretics. I find plenty of backward thought in the East. But that’s not to say that I don’t find plenty of backward thought in the West. My personal journey is to reconcile as many of the possible contradictions in my own thought as possible.
What you are talking about is not at all zen. Living an unbridged life simply alone and without consideration for society is exactly opposite of what any buddhist would attempt to pursue. Henry David Thoreau did this for a while of his own choice. He gained something from it and returned to society.
I believe you have a flawed view of Zen if you think this is how it works. To my knowledge I spoke nothing of and alluded to nothing of being simply an individual. That is counter to society which is a human function. Humans are social creatures. Or perhaps you are taking it just a step and a half too far into the idea of a monk. Even monks do not live alone and without food. No buddhist has ever stated you must be a monk. So I will discard this as being in error.
The idea of zen goes as spoken by Bhodhidharma: Once mortals see their nature, all attachments end. Awareness isn't hidden. But you can only find it right now. It's only now. If you really want to find the Way, don't hold on to anything.
And to take care of the radical view that can be produced by such a statement....consult Bhodhidharma once more 5th century as you'll note:
"This mind is the Buddha. I don't talk about precepts, devotions or ascetic practices such as immersing yourself in water and fire, treading a wheel of knives, eating one meal a day, or never lying down. These are fanatical, provisional teachings. Once you recognise your moving, miraculously aware nature, yours is the mind of all buddhas. Buddhas of the past and future only talk about transmitting the mind. They teach nothing else. If someone understands this teaching, even if [she's] illiterate [she's] a buddha. If you don't see our own miraculously aware nature, you'll never find a buddha even if you break your body into atoms." Bodhidharma (5th cent.)
Hope this is clearer for you.
Be Human
I have always questioned myself why do we want all those things in life? Because except the elementary needs in our life, the rest are disposable..then, how works the mechanism inside human mind that creates "needs"?..and"wants"?..
Children don't have needs,they just "live", dont't have the idea of "need".. Only adults become aware of their needs in life and their wants.
Many of so-called needs are just the creation of the modern society and it's up to everyone to decide what they really need and want in life..It's a matter of choice.
When I think of "living now and here", being concentrated only on the present moment I realize that in the present there are no needs or wants, they are only projection in the future, we need something, we want something, but the need and want is for the future, doesn't belong to "here and now"..So I wonder what are really the needs and the wants of life if they are projections for the future?..because when a need or want is fulfilled,then there is no more..so what is the nature of need and of want?
Yes, humans choose to make value judgements to distinguish between needs and wants, but still what is the nature of them?
A really interesting post..rises so many questions..and make people think..
Re:amber7dragonfly
Children don't have needs,they just "live", dont't have the idea of "need".. Only adults become aware of their needs in life and their wants.
This is not true. I get what you're driving at, but it's important that others not be confused by this statement. Children have needs and wants. They want from the time of birth to be close to another entity. It is what causes a child to quiet down when you pick them up when crying.
Children most certainly have needs, the need to feed and sleep and relieve themselves of waste. They will die without these needs being fulfilled. That is their need to survive.
The nature of need and want then, are derived from existence and desire. You seem to grasp exceedingly quickly and with relative clarity zen on a basic level. Kudos.
Be Human
@ Prata:
The ultimate responsibility of who is responsible for our feelings is not in contention.
I think you’ve lost the main scope of discussion here. I was speaking only of “attachments” in the abstract, most notably with people. And in that, my only point was to qualify your thought that, “…the ability to simply let go of your attachments is a much better pursuit.” The reason for this is that that we have to make value judgments as to what attachments we WANT and which ones we NEED in order to build a better life for ourselves. There are some painful earthly attachments we may WANT to keep.
Also, Zen was not a topic I was addressing. And it is essentially beyond this particular discussion, though I see how you are applying it. Although, I think it’s an interesting philosophical to approach life.
@ Amber7dragonfly:
Interesting thought. But in the scheme of things, as an adult we have a greater deal of control over our thoughts, emotions and far greater freedom in life. A child is very dependent. I think the colder reality of growing older comes with a greater amount of freedom, as opposed to a more dependent form of innocence in a child’s life.
@ Prata (again):
Although most NEEDS and WANTS can be desires, I wonder how subjective all of our NEEDS are. The body NEEDS certain things to live. I suppose it could be a desire to live though. Similarly, there is a nature to human beings (not unlike suffering). I believe that certain qualities are NEEDED to effectively interact with your mate and build a family. Remember: relationships are the scope of discussion here.
Thanks for joining the discussion. Please make sure and come back.
Re: nosthegametoo
If it seemed I was simply using this as a soapbox for zen living that wasn't my intent. I am perfectly happy to agree to disagree; however, because I live zen and can not look at life (and thus all things included in life) in another light (strictly for living my life; this does not include analysis of society's struggles and living in general) I simply walked forward with it.
Sorry for makin' your life difficult and seeming to drift off topic. ^_^ I'll certainly be back though! I enjoyed the discussion.
Be cool and stay live
Be Human and what not
Post a Comment