9.13.2005


THE PILLARS OF A RELATIONSHIP: CONSIDERATION


It’s nice to be back in the Windy City. I’m back in town, and since I have spent a lot of time with older and wiser men and women, I thought I would begin my post with a bit of ancient wisdom.

In Islam, there are five pillars which hold up the foundation of the faith. Roughly in English, they are:

I. WITNESSING: (SHAHADA) THERE IS NO GOD BUT GOD, AND MUHAMMAD IS HIS MESSENGER
II. PRAYER: (SALAH)
III. OBLIGATORY CHARITY: (ZAKAH)
IV. FASTING: (SAWM)
V. THE PILGRIMAGE: (HAJJ)

Recently, I’ve been thinking more and more about the pillars of a relationship when it comes to dealing with our mates. I think we can save ourselves a whole lot of grief by keeping some of our wild and childish expectations to a minimum, and focusing on the important pillars that support our relationships.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… normally, when I think of the important things necessary to maintain a working relationship, I think of the “non-negotiables.” By “non-negotiable” I usually mean the choices in a mate that we make which are indispensable to the establishment of a life with our significant other. I mean the things we are absolutely not willing to compromise. Although many of those are the things we WANT … I’m under the allusion that they should be based on the things we NEED.

However, when I really think to the things that matter in a relationship, be it: platonic, romantic, friendly or otherwise, I feel like there are fundamental pillars that must exist in order to hold up the foundation of the relationship.

FOR INSTANCE: CONSIDERATION

From one end of the spectrum, I can think of several women in my dating life who must have never HEARD of the concept of being considerate. These women generally thought only of themselves, regardless of what the consequences of their actions might be. I suppose they were used to “dishing it out,” but in the long-run, none of them could take the same inconsiderate attitude they always dished out. It’s down right interesting.

How about this for an example: I once had a woman say to me, “I won’t do [this, that or the other thing], because a man’s pleasure should come from pleasing a woman.” But the most interesting part is that she DEMANDED all of the things she would not do. She even thought they should be part of her daily dose of pampering. I’m not paraphrasing that either, she said that in the context of a genuine dating relationship.

On the other end of the spectrum, I can think of my own hard-headedness. In one particular circumstance, I waited to disclose some information that should have been discussed earlier, until I was upset. After I was mad, then I spit it all out. Just to emphasize, I’m NOT talking about infidelity. This caused a whole heap of problems. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that coming, does it?

Now, let’s be serious. I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT STEPPING ON EGGSHELLS ALL DAY LONG OR KISSING SOMEONE’S BEHIND. I really really hate it when people take a reasonable discussion to the extreme and use all or nothing examples to avoid thinking about the topic. I’m talking about taking someone else’s REASONABLE thoughts into mind before you act. I will concede that sometimes our demands on one another are not resasonable, but: I'm talking about REASONABLE boundaries of respect. I'll have to spend more time in the not too distant future talking about a more precise definition for "reasonable boundaries."

All forms of relationships are meetings of the minds. That means there are two or more minds that have to reconcile their thoughts, emotions and various idiosyncrasies in order to sustain a viable and functioning relationship. And as we all know, as we get older, we become more and more stubborn and unwilling to deviate from our long-developed personality quirks.

Most of us have a million excuses and thousands of reasons why it’s ok for us to get defensive about our thoughtless actions or inconsiderate behavior. But in the end, I would bet that a little bit of consideration would prevent a whole lot of grief. WE CAN AVOID THE PITFALLS OF A FAULTY FOUNDATION BY ESTABLISHING CONSIDERATION AS ONE OF THE IMPORTANT PILLARS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP .

Like the old folks say: "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

10 comments:

Danielle said...

OKAY YOU NEED TO COUNCIL ME IN RELATIONSHIPS LOL!!

nosthegametoo said...

Thanks Danielle. But believe me, I'm sure you have plenty of wisdom to share with ME from your own trials and errors. That's where mine came from. I'm gonna have to stop by your blog more often.

These days I'm just trying to keep it simple. I think I can avoid a whole lot of silliness that way.

Peace and Love Danielle

Crystal said...

Interesting thoughts, and mutual respect is definitely the name of the game if one wants success in relationships. I can be demanding and selfish, I really have to watch those tendencies, and luckily my husband is very forgiving.

nosthegametoo said...

Thanks for visiting Crystal. Your comments are well-appreciate.

Having a mate that is willing to accept the things about you that won't change is extremely helpful. I'm not sure one-way streets go on forever when it comes to certain behaviors. It's good to hear that you've been blessed with an understanding mate. Those aren't too easy to come by in this life.

Peace and Love, Crystal. And come back again.

Rell said...

I'm serious can I like send you my relationship issues that i'm having and have you like investigate them for me. Tell me what they are and why they are?

No_the_game said...

rell,

sure send it over. I will look at it. Unless u want male view then No_s_the_game will look at it.

Female view I can handle. I am humbled that u even consider this.

Luv,

nosthegametoo said...

rell:

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I don't mind looking at something you want to share. you can send it to my e-mail:

nosthegametoo@yahoo.com

All i can do is tell you how I THINK I would handle it. Maybe that would help. If it does, let me know

Peace and Love,
nosthegametoo

Tha BossMack TopSoil said...

You know, you seem way older than 26, feel me? I know I'm not trippin', Some of you views a skewed cause you come from a bitch perspective, however, I sense an extreme seasoning, Where'd you get tha game from Baby?

Theresa said...

When someone is considerate and thoughtful, it goes a long way with me. If he makes an extra effort, I really take notice. Who doesn't love to feel appreciated?

On the other hand, I've been around too long to put up with inconsideration. I used to give people lots of chances, but I've learned to recognize the signs of selfishness earlier. I take great care with the people in my life. I expect the same. It's about valuing yourself as much as you value others.

I'm glad to see the two of you getting more readers. You have a great blog. This is another great post.

nosthegametoo said...

Thanks Theresa. Spending my time with someone who is inconsiderate isn't much of an option for me. I've had plenty of selfishness too for that matter. Thanks for being a great reader.