A couple days ago around 6:59 pm Earth shattered for me. I felt as if massive water washed soil under my feet. Yeah, my feet were sweating, my hands were getting cold, my heart started racing. Honestly, time stopped for me for a second.
I was about to go to the gym when all these madness took place. If you wonder whether I got to the gym that day, I did not. I don’t know how you all would deal with STRESS but for me running would take care off it. Not this time!!! I even did not have any energy to think. I felt like I am pleading for my life.
I could do only one thing: Put shoes on and go out to walk. It took me more than 20 minutes to realize I was not wearing socks and had no jacket on. It was 38F in Chicago. Suddenly I realized my head was down and I was bending a bit over as if I wanted to hide.
I was wondering if I would be able to communicate my feelings to people who care about me. All of the sudden communicating felt hard to do. All of the sudden emptiness of my heart left me wordless.
I picked the phone and dialed while my hands were shaken “Hello it is me and I need to have you here with me now.” 30 min later person showed up. While holding hands I told the reason why I needed to be with someone at that moment. All of the facial expression froze a minute then silence took its place. Then we have decided to hit one of the neighborhood bars.
Conversations were carefully designed such a way it was not dumping more emptiness in my heart. I felt all the love in the world to share my feelings. While music was playing on the background our conversation was dancing around the topics we supposed to talk.
I was wondering how on the world I take people in my life for granted. I also learned very valuable lesson from that day. I learned how to be less selfish and shut the hell up when talking is not necessary.
Needless to say, I almost question of my existence in the world. I have learned more from that Earth shattering day than my entire life. 23rd of October made me realized what matters most in life. Have you ever had the moment where the entire your life is animate in front of your eyes? Yes I could see entire my life in black and white movie. I became very judgmental of me. What have I done to myself? What can I do to correct it or what can I do right in the future.
I also realized how lonely I am in life. I felt the emptiness in my life because I do not have anybody for sure in my life that I can claim with certainty. I was questioning the essence of love. What is love anyways? I wonder if all of us have our own definition of love.
What is your definition of love? What kind of relationship advice would you give if somebody would come to you and ask WHAT IS LOVE?
Tired of dating game
It seems to me that beginnings and endings are some of the toughest parts of life we can endure. Maybe it’s the uncertainly that makes them difficult to digest, or maybe it’s the other elements of the human condition that beginnings and endings provoke, like Pride. For instance, take the movie Cocktail. The entire movie is about pride. From foolish pride, to stupid pride, I feel like the movie tells a nice little story about how our beginnings and endings can be manipulated by pride.
In the movie, Brian Flanagan (Tom Cruise), after being treated like a one-eyed whipping boy by his ultra wealthy super high-class middle-aged mommy dearest, finally wises up and puts an end to his puppy-dog status. In response, she pleads with him to reconsider ending their relationship, and says, “Please. I don’t wanna end it this way.” To which he replies, “Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn’t end.”
Looking back on the end of more than one relationship, it’s kind of hard to say that things end well. That doesn’t mean that things can’t end amicably and in a civil manner (or as “friends”), but when all is said and done, the relationship is still over. Now, another relationship may take its place, either with that same person or with someone else, but the bottom line is that the relationship that once was is gone forever.
I know we all learn from this, and we learn from that. And I also recognize all that other jazz about how each failed relationship teaches us something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm not talking about life lessons, I'm talking about dealing with beginnings and endings.
My question is this: Is it important to recognize when an ending is an ending? Does that mean we should celebrate the promise of new beginnings more often when we have them? Do we know the difference between the beginning and the end? Does it matter?
How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?
Well… it’s a painful truth that all relationships will end. We are parted from our friend and loved ones by distance, or time, possibly hurt feelings, maybe even growing apart or eventually death. To me, these are not necessarily reasons for great sadness, because they are normal and predictable aspects of life.
All of this comes to mind because I’ve been thinking a lot about beginnings and endings lately. For instance, over the course of the last few weeks, I’ve lost one family member connected to me by marriage, and gained a wonderful new family member through marriage. Maybe it’s because both events happened over the same weekend that makes me think so much about beginnings and endings.
When we deal with each other, especially with our mates, we are constantly experiencing beginnings and endings. Sometimes to the relationship itself, and other times we may just experience the beginning or ending of an aspect of that relationship. Sometimes it’s scary. Great changes in life and in our interactions often stretch us to the breaking point. But I always take comfort and solace in knowing that all of us are far more durable than we may think, and we don’t break so easy.
But on the other hand, it’s important to give thanks to those people who help make our lives a bit easier to live. Life is fragile. One morning you’re laughing and joking with your mate over the coffee you share every uneventful morning, and the next moment you can receive a phone call from the authorities telling you your mate will not survive the night so you better come quickly.
The small things hurt us so greatly. Sometimes seemingly insignificant details can corrupt trust. Sometimes selfish behavior can break someone’s heart. Sometimes taking care of our own selfish needs places those around us at great risk.
But it’s also important to remember that the small things in life must be outweighed by the fundamentals. Can a marriage survive infidelity? Maybe. Can a relationship survive distrust? Maybe. Can we live on after we lose a loved one. Yes, we can.
A few days ago, I walked down to Lake Michigan before sunrise to take some pictures and also capture a private moment for myself. Watching the sun rise over the lake brought back memories of some of the best and worst times in my life.
But you know what? I can’t help but smile. I’m still here. And I’m lucky enough to have almost all of my loved ones still in this life with me. When I put things in that context, the small things don’t seem so important.
Here’s to the saddest endings, and the sweetest beginnings.
Peace and Love,
“The character of Iago…belongs to a class of characters common to Shakespeare, and at the same time peculiar to him – namely, that of great intellectual activity, accompanied with a total want of moral principle, and therefore displaying itself at the constant expense of others, and seeking to confound the practical distinctions of right and wrong, by referring them to some overstrained standard of speculative refinement.”
Now, truth be told, when I actually had to read Shakespeare, I sure as hell wasn’t all that interested in what the guy had to say. But I have to be honest, there’s a reason why his characters are so timeless and we still study them today. I suppose as I get older and read books I should have read when they were assigned, I’m finally starting to understand why I should have read them in high school.
If you haven’t had the chance to read Othello, I recommend it. I’ll bet all of us know someone like Iago, even if they’re not nearly as smart. But if you don’t have time for all that, pick up one of the more recent movie adaptations, like the one starring Lawrence Fishburne of Matrix fame. It’s not bad.
How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?
Well… they say “misery loves company”, and you know what, I think that’s pretty true. I’m sure we all know that person or persons who is/are perpetually negative or always trying to find the worst in everything. What a drag!
How are you supposed to take the advice of someone who is constantly finding evil in everything? Answer: you seek a second opinion, maybe even a third or fourth.
But what of the people who have this disposition and mask their negativity with smiles, sweet-talk, and a “non-judgmental” approach to life?
Without ruining the story of Othello, Iago, one of the main characters, is about as manipulative as they come. Lies, deceit and maneuvering people is his game, and he’s damn good at it.
All of this comes to mind because of a conversation I recently had with a friend. My friend is having some serious doubts as to whether or not he’s found the right woman. She’s displaying signs of being overly demanding, ungrateful and downright childish. Personally, I’m starting to have my own doubts, but hey, I care too much to stick my nose in his business (even when he asks me to), so I just listen.
I don’t know what motivates dishonesty. What I try to do is look at myself and see when I’ve mislead those around me. Sometimes my own motives aren’t as crystal clear as I’d like. Maybe after a while it becomes a defense mechanism? I mean, if you practice being untrustworthy, I’m sure you’ll take to it like a fish to water soon enough.
I suppose my thought is this: if you know you have trouble trusting people, why lie and say you’re ready when you’re not? When you’re aware of something, and you mislead, deliberately omit, or outright lie, you’re doing a terrible disservice to yourself and your mate. It’s not a good quality.
It sucks to lose someone because you’re not ready. I’m sure by the time we reach adulthood the vast majority of us have lost someone to foolishness, or been the primary facilitator of the end of a perfectly good relationship. Or if that’s not the case, perhaps you’ve been the recipient.
The most egregious manipulations and lies come from the sweetest people; the nicest people we never suspect. It’s disturbing to know that people believe the truth makes them vulnerable. Perhaps that’s why we say “yes” when we mean “no”; or why we say “I love you”, when we only mean “I care”; or why we say “I’m fine” when it’s obvious we are not.
Games are silly. The games we play and don’t even know we are playing are destructive. But the worst games are the ones we play when we know we’re in the wrong. And by early adulthood, we all know manipulation, in all its harsh and soft forms, is not cool. I mean, who wants to be manipulated?
Peace and Love,
Note: The following post pertains to patterns of behavior over extended periods of time, not simply instances of indescretion here and there.
Seems like everyone’s favorite mantra seems to be: “I am what I am”. Even Allen Iverson got into the mix with a shoe campaign using the same slogan. But my question is this: If we are so quick to accept that we are what we are, how are we so sure that we KNOW what we are?
How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of one another?
Well… seems like everyone wants respect without judgment. It’s always, “don’t judge me”, but “please judge me a good person”. To me, it doesn’t seem like that’s all too possible. Especially when you consider that the people around you have to JUDGE you as respectable for you to be respectable. Honesty, respectability, truthworthiness... these are not attributes we give to ourselves, they are things that others attribute to us through their JUDGMENTS. Or maybe we believe that people should only JUDGE us positively, never anything unflattering, even if it’s true.
To me, the rationalizations that people come up with are sometimes amazing. Sometimes, we even come up with our own redefinitions of words and phrases that are quite clear.
I was once told by an older and wiser man that people have to convince themselves that their lies are true in order to do some of the more reprehensible things they do. From infidelity to unreliability, doesn’t your partner always have an excuse?
DON'T WE ALL USE THESE EXCUSES???
It takes a cold hard look at yourself to go through the pain of making yourself more transparent. But first, we have to go through the pain of letting go of the lies we tell ourselves.
Do you lie, but don’t consider yourself a liar?
Do you deceive, but don’t consider yourself deceptive?
Do you cheat, but don’t consider yourself to be a cheater?
Do you whine, but don’t consider yourself a whiner?
Do you argue, but don’t consider yourself argumentative?
Some people say that “perception is reality”. I doubt it. Reality is reality. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you “consider” reality to be. Cheating, deception, lies… if these are part of your dealings with others, then hate to break it to you, but you’re a cheater, a liar and a deceiver. And last time I checked, these weren’t good qualities in a mate.
The choice is clear and obvious: Choose truth or lies in your relationship. And yeah, it’s just that simple if you make it that way. Generally, you can work out almost every problem under the sun with your mate. But once you think of them as unworthy of trust, that’s when the REAL problems begin.
Peace and Love,