12.31.2005

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!



A LOVING FAREWELL TO 2005:

After a rollercoaster year, both emotionally and professionally, I must admit, there's little I would change. With all the lessons we all have been blessed to have endured and experience, it's time to take that wisdom into another year.

May 2006 bring all of you Peace, Love and all the Blessings you have the strength to work for. I wish that 2006 is a year for tremendous accomplishments and blessings.

Peace and love to you all,

nosthegametoo & No_the_game

12.24.2005

APPRECIATION:
MORE THAN WORDS?

I always try to look at Holiday seasons as an opportunity to make peace in my life, both with others, and myself. That’s one of the wonderful things about this time of year, these particular Religious holidays can put anyone in a reflective mood. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the many blessings God has brought to my life, and I’ve questioned whether or not I have been appreciative of them. Oh… I SAY that I am, but what do I do to SHOW that I appreciate the blessings in my life?

Words are cheap. It’s easy to get caught up in Semantic games (see December 16, 2005 post) to fool ourselves into believing that we’ve done enough, but in the end, intentions are really just unfinished business. So every now and then it’s important to ask: Have I really done enough to SHOW that I’m grateful for all the blessings and everyday miracles in my life?

The “Just fellow your heart” mentality, as I would call it, is increasing more prevalent. Well, at least it seems that way. But please, don't get me wrong, it's not my attempt to say that you should ignore your heart. But we can't always just do whatever the hell we feel like doing; in relationships, there are obligations and costs, which may even include aspects of personal freedom (oh no... can't do whatever I feel like, that's worse than being "Judged").

Nothing, including the blessings in our lives, is free. In life, so many things need to be paid for, and sometimes, the cost is RESPECT and APPRECIATION. But both of those cost time, effort and sometimes even pride, which is a cost many of us are not willing to pay.

But especially this time of year, there is an excellent opportunity to think of more than ourselves. One of the most difficult aspects of life is to face ourselves in the mirror and reconcile our behavior with our SELFISHNESS. Though, as always, I make a huge distinction between SELF-INTEREST (which is good, because enhancing your own life makes you able to be a better person for yourself and everyone in your world) and SELFISHNESS (which is bad, because taking and not giving leaves a void in your world; you are out of balance with everything/everyone around you).

So during this holiday, I’m going to make some phone calls, and send some letters (hand-written by regular mail) to friends and family who both earned and deserve my utmost gratitude.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… I’m sure we’ve all said and heard the words: “Oh…thank you… I appreciate you (or what you did) sooooo much.” Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard it all before. But, it’s my contention that appreciation has to have substance behind it, and I’ve found that sometimes we really lack a true understanding of WHAT and HOW appreciation really works.

Now don’t get me wrong, with all the variables and X-factors that exist, it’s tough to measure exactly how we can show our appreciation or even our gratitude toward those people around us who have had an impact on our lives. But for me, it’s always good to start out with the basics; keeping life simple has more and more become my most favored modus operandi.

Since it’s my belief that words have meaning, I’ll offer a working definition I think most people would accept. Appreciation: “Recognition of the quality, value, significance, or magnitude of people and things.” This seems like an excellent place to start, because I think we often fail to recognize the value of a whole lot of things around us.

Now, it’s often said that you don’t know what you have until you’ve lost it. Well, I think that’s a possibility, but not necessarily essential to understanding the value of the quality of your blessings. I think that more often than not, putting ourselves first, in a SELFISH manner, diverts our attention from the blessings before our eyes. I guess it’s kind of like the whole glass half-full rather than half-empty thing; looking at life in a manner that exclusively says, "fill this half-empty glass up," rather than taking a moment to smile and think, "I've been blessed to have the strength to fill my glass half-way, though there's more to go."

Showing APPRECIATION is to practice the art of RESPECT (Though I'll discuss "respect" another time). Words are often essential in showing a measure of respect and appreciation, but the practice has to be deeper than that. Words are too cheap; they are not valueless, but they are too easy to come by. Appreciation, much like respect, has to be followed by conduct.

Although we ALL have tough times and tribulations to endure now, and for the rest of our lives, there are countless blessings in our lives, both large and small. There are so many opportunities to enrich our minds, souls and lives, that it’s important to take a minute and recognize that. One of the easiest ways to recognize that is to show your appreciation to not just friends and family, but the world at large. Donate money, donate time, do something beyond yourself for someone you care about, do something beyond yourself for someone you don't know, or maybe just give an act of kindness without expecting a “Thank you.”

How you show your appreciation is your business, but try and make sure that you make a conscious and genuine effort to show that you understand how many blessings exist in your life.

BOTTOM LINE: We are owed, promised or guaranteed NOTHING in this life, so when we receive blessings, whether they are as wonderful as a life-altering opportunity, or as small as a loving hand helping you out of your chair, be grateful. And remember, sometimes blessings can’t be seen with the naked eye, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t been blessed. Even some of our most difficult and painful experiences have blessed us with the knowledge and wisdom to become greater people.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

HOLIDAY NOTE: To each and every person and family, may these days, like all others, bring you peace and let you feel love in its deepest and truest form... whatever that may be. MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY CHANUKAH, and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

From both of us,

nosthegametoo & No_the_game

12.16.2005


SEMANTICS: PART I
REPACKAGING REALITY

NOTE: Remember, this posting is about men, women and relationships. Please, don’t get side-tracked with the opening material, or your political sensibilities.

At 10:30 a.m. on January 17, 1998, at the downtown Washington D.C. law offices of Robert S. Bennett, then President Bill Clinton gave a sworn deposition that would soon become the talk of the world. But the real firestorm would not come until January 26, 1998, when he appeared before the nation and uttered these now infamous words: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Monica Lewinsky.”

It’s not necessary to go into detail about the events that followed. However, what I would like to highlight this colourful use of language. This is a fine example of how we can manipulate the definition and meaning of words; and whether or not certain words should be interpreted in a loose and contemporary manner.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… often in life, we walk around under the impression that we communicate clearly. Most of us think we say exactly what we mean, and that those words are understandable. This is hardly the case. There are countless major communication problems when we are dealing with people as a whole, and in relationships in particular.

When we communicate with others, most of the time we have a goal in mind. We want our words to be perceived a certain way. So, we often tailor our words and come up with new designer rhetoric. Sometimes we're trying to fool the world at-large, but other times we're just fooling ourselves, and confusing our own understanding of life or relationships.

I find that people often attempt to over-inflate or devalue terms and words so that they can redefine them in a manner they find personally satisfying.

IS THIS BAD? Not necessarily.

Sometimes fresh ways of stating things leads to fresh thinking. On the other hand, I don’t think it’s a good thing when we seek to take words and terms out of reality and place them into a dream world. I find more and more that it only confuses us and makes it tougher to make decisions based on good and valuable judgments. It’s amazing how many of us are afraid of the dreaded word: “Judgment.” Ohhhh… you can’t do that. Apparently, there’s nothing worse than judging anything.

For instance, consider the “casual” relationship built upon sex. It’s now sometimes popular to call these arrangements “Fuck Buddies” or “Friends with Benefits.” Why are these terms becoming increasing more popular? Your guess is as good as mine, but it seems to me that it’s an attempt to devalue a relationship by attempting to separate reality from function. I’ve found that many people consider the word “Relationship” to be a title, so by attempting to devalue their relationship with coarse language, they fool themselves into believing there’s no culpability for their actions; somehow they’ve fooled themselves into believing that you can have all the privilege you want, but none of the responsibility. Good luck on that. Anybody fooling around like that will need it.

In reality, a casual relationship IS a relationship. If you interact with someone regularly, you have entered into a relationship. Now, whether or not you have committed yourself to fidelity is another story all together. But make no mistake, a casual relationship IS a relationship; like it or not, and even though we find ourselves afraid of being “Judged” as promiscuous or trashy for fooling with people without commitment (and please, let’s not do the whole “double-standard” thing either. I’m perfectly willing to label a man as a slut or a hoe too.).

Now, I’m sure there are people out there that will claim to have the perfect situation worked out. I always have my doubts. For instance, about two years ago, one of my closest friends tried explaining to me how he had the “perfect” casual relationship. Funny enough, for the first month or two, the situation was as “perfect” as anything like that can be. The situation continued for almost a year. By the end of that time, they were all but boyfriend and girlfriend only without the respective titles. But, their uncommitted situation was driving them crazy with jealousy. The situation finally came to a head in a parking lot after an evening event they both attended, separately. A very obscene situation erupted in full-view of the public. Quite hilarious for me, but a horrible embarrassment for my friend.

It seems to me that the best possible situation in casual terms is where one or both parties has no regard for the feelings of the other, and at the drop of a dime, you or they could throw the other party away like yesterday’s newspaper. I don’t know about anyone else, but I hardly see the perfection is misusing someone. That’s not a game I’m willing to play. I've had my share of silly. For those of you who crave conflict and trouble, good luck to you. As for me, I have plenty of stress in this life and I don’t need to manufacture any additional problem(s) which can easily be avoided.

Bottom line: I find that people are serious about a whole lot of silliness. A warm body is never as good as a loving one. Though, some people crave the excitement of continually seeking greener and newer pastures. I wonder how often that grass is really greener. I’m not saying commit to the next girl or guy you spend some romp-around time with. That might not be a solution. But be careful with the RELATIONSHIPS you create. Life is about relationships with people: financial, familial, romantic, business, mentoring, friendly, adversarial or so on.

These days I’m doing my best to cultivate the ones that bring the greatest value to my life. It’s not easy, and I’ve been a fool along the way, but I’m getting better.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

12.13.2005




re-LATIONSHIP DIS-functionality
Brain
or
Heart



  • Why he calls you when he does not mean it? Is it moment of filling his free time or does it mean he cares?
  • S/he shows up once in a blue moon and gives you what you would expect from her/him but never calls back again at least good couple weeks or months. Why does he do it?
  • S/he introduces you to his family but never calls you after that or calls you in holidays and never again. What that supposed to mean?
  • S/he takes tons of pictures with you but never displays in her/his house? Hmm is it for bragging rights?
  • S/he always have some kind of excuses not to be able to attend your special party. Hmmmm Is there a cat in the bag?
  • S/he says he cares about you but when you call s/he recommends you take some damn pills with no sympathy. Is s/he that senseless?
  • When friends around s/he acts as if you r the last person in his/her list.
  • When you out everybody is in the center of attention but you. R u that ugly to stay with her/his ass?
  • S/he never remembers your b-day forget about doing something special or even do not try to make up for it. Ha ha it is funny if u still think you will be together a long time. It is not the actual B-day it is all about attention.
  • You just meet her/him but she says she is busier than President of United States. Hmm hmm I am still kind na├»ve about it. Even though I force myself to believe s/he busy. But you know what? A minute phone call can do it in most cases. It just only take “Hello, I just wanted to say hi and hear your voice”

If all these are happening in your relationship start running away from it. There are people who will treat you better than that.

PLEASE EVERYBODY PUT YOUR re- LATIONSHIP STEROTYPING. I just want to know

What to use Brain or Heart when it comes to love relationship? What do you vote ? Brain or Heart.

I vote for Brain will give reasoning for next post

With Love,

No_the_Game

12.06.2005

It is a follow up with "If loving you is wrong , I do not want to be right" Originally posted at Saturday, December 03, 2005


Before entering anything I want to thank Prata for bringing a light to my way of thinking. He carefully but very rightly describes essence of relationship. “but a relationship (in romantic terms) is an attempt or creation of relations which draw people closer together”
2ndly after posting it I thought more about open-end relationships. One thing I forgot to mention is that an Open-End relationship is temporary fix someone’s insecurity or person thinks s/he trying to be sleek. Being sleek means one person in relationships, most of the time both involved person, knows that you tried to have all your cake and eat it as well. Unless person is a great player of human emotions it is very obvious one of you really trying to be sleek. People tend to think--let me keep this gal as well as other-- or --let me keep this guy as well as others-- see what will happen.
But believe me, after a while or after a certain age, people want more than a game in life. Open end relationships always close and leave a deep scar one of the involved person’s heart. No good. Stay away before you burn yourself in it. Sometimes, especially if one is young or have no intentions for anything serious, open end relationship seems alright. Actually it feels right because it seems you have all of your cake on your plate. Actually you never had it.

Blueprinces, when person young and bold half is satisfactory sometimes more than satisfactory. When people get older and have certain needs from a man/woman. When they are not meet people start looking at their value judgments. Nothing horrible than look back and say uh oh I wasted such a long time on so and so… I wasted my time. Time is valuable asset but oftentimes we ignore the importance of it when we are young and bold.

Fear of being alone should not lead a person to stay in open-end relationship. Trying to be sleek lead open end relationship but not fear. Sometimes fear can be if person is insecure. B/c it leads more emptiness along the way. Fear can not be filled with emptiness. I look at it this way: If fear makes me uncomfortable then being empty inside creats the same feeling then I am better off having one negative feeling rather than two negatives. I also understand if somebody in her late teens or early 20’s and thinks open-end relationship is OK as Edz described, “discovering yourself.” I would feel bad for somebody in my age, who still thinks discovering herself. After certain age letting others take advantage of us is a silliness. If somebody feels ok with open end relationship and thinks it works for him/her then good luck as long as person does not complain when s/he gets hurt. Remember it is not matter of if it is matter of when. Maybe it is fine in my age to discover yourself but not in love department. Open-end relationships lead a scar in heart, therefore not recommended.

Laselleb I am glad you moved on. It is better move on rather then being stuck to it. A lot of ppl hung on it as long as they can.

Brea I agree with u and blueprinces hurt is not avoidable it is not matter if it is matter of when.
Parata, you said it best “You are having an agreed (sometimes) upon set of interaction terms” So I officially change the name of open-end relationship to Parat’s definition. One thing is noteworthy: most of the time open-end relationship does not have interaction terms. Interaction terms are built under as you go principle.

Aisha, I do not think ppl who r any of those described relationship lacks self respect. I think people have different way of experiencing and learning from life.
Deb, any woman who in those relationships knows what she got herself into. Most women love to give men a benefit of doubt. I am not saying women are wholly molly but women are more emotional. They think if he holds me this way he loves me, he kisses me this way he loves me. I understand sometimes we get emotional need from somebody but a mind blowing sex from somebody that does not care. I look at it from a different angle: a moral & comfort perspective. When it comes to a moral judgment of sexual life I hate to judge people. I rarely will call something immoral unless it is related to me. I live moral judgment to people. It is something I do not do.

Comfort perspective open-ended relationship or mind blowing sex is not healthy if u want to have a log term. A long term it will harm rather than bring joy. If that is what u want go for it. Why not? All I can do is to tell you it will end one day and what will you do? I have so many scenarios to talk about. It is just not advisable for somebody who is looking for a healthy and functional relationship to accept those terms and yet to believe something healthy is going to come out of that mess. If somebody is not expecting healthy, functional relationship then hey, what r u losing, right? Deb feel free to ask any questions and I or my co-bloger will answer it on the next post.

Rell are you type one or type 2 “we are close friends” relationship?
With love,
No_the_Game

12.03.2005



“If loving you is wrong I do not want to be right” Bobby Womack

We all know it is arduous, derogating, burning, and humiliating feeling. Awareness of the feeling makes it humiliating. S/he knows closing eyes on a pain bringing aspect of relationship is not solving the probelm.

Name it what ever you want.
  • Open ended relationship
  • Non decisive-relationship
  • We are “close friends”.

Talk about pain and comfort these relationships can bring. Noooo... try to imagine what combination of two,pain and comfort, can bring? I am sure some of us felt "the combination" more than others, but we all have felt at some point in life. If you are one of those a few lucky people who have never felt it, please do your best to remain that way.

If somebody is happy with any of those relationships I wish all luck in the world to that person. If those types are not for you then be proactive. Make decisions and stick to it. Yes stick to it. Have you ever been in the situation you tell yourself “THAT IS IT. I AM OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.” Then the next thing you do when you see that person you tell yourself “LET’S DO IT FOR THE LAST TIME” Are you aware how many last times we have if we do not make that last decisions and stick to it?

There are a lot of reasons people have those relationship.


Open-end relationship, most of the time, is a product of not meeting anybody you would love to have in your life for a life time. Or you are just a helpless sadist who loves an emotional ache. It can also be a product of your blindness. If you keep an open end relationship and you are devoted to it, please seek a professional help, b/c sky is falling (you can tell I watched Chicken Little recently) Open end relationship will be closed one day by one of you or it will destroy your life. I am positive about that.

I do not unnecessarily think it is a horrible thing but for a long haul it is a very dangerous fire to play. However, I do understand why there are lots of open-end relationships. Reasons for it, are bigger than me. I will leave it there or write about it later.

A none-decisive relationship is fine as long as sex is not involved. If sex is involved most likely it will end up “I hate you. Disappear from my life". Non-decisive relationship is also not for a faint-hearted people. You got to realize this type of relationship can take a right or left turn. Because nature of relationship is none-decisive it means you are both free to do whatever you want to do. Even sometimes it means you need to be selfish or aggressive about your goals w/out putting nobody’s feeling into an account.This type of relationship cultivates a strong friendship if people agrees on terms of it as well as understands it can take a right or left turn.

I would not recommend a lot of people to enter a none-decisive relationship. The reason is simple: most men or woman nowadays chose not to be honest. Honesty does not mean you have to tell all details of your life but it simple means you will be honest with significant other anything relates to her/him. A lot of people in this relationship make their own decision to move on w/out other involved person's concent. There is a fine line between to be fooled and having a none-decisive relationship. Because line is so fine, I refuse to recommend it to anybody. Honest people, who know human heart is not a toy a none- decisive relationship is a good option for a person who strangled with life mattering decisions and do not want to be strangled in other departments of life. Sometimes life does not give us all of that in one place and at desired time. It is almost heartbreaking for me when I see people who think they have a none-decisive relationship but in reality it is a one-way love relationship. So be aware of that.


There are two types of “we are close friends” relationships. First is flat out lies. I just hate those. “We are close friends” AKA “We are Fuck buddies” . There are more than handful people who think they are decent by not saying "we are fuck buddies". They will argue with you how wrong it is to say it out loud but they will do it. (I am not judgeing nobody. That is my opinion) Those types I even do not want to give a minute of my time to write or think.

Second type of “we are close friends” relationships is based on a strong personal, emotional and a support bond that is intertwined with sex. This type of relationship is a potential guilt bag that you carry in your heart all the time. You would be surprised to know how many people have this relationship. It is hardest relationship to break away. It is hard because you know a person you are with cares about you. You know if something happens, no matter what, that person will be your support system. This person listens, cares, criticizes, and fights because he/she cares.

Even though this type of relationship is convenient and physically comforting it is emotionally destructive. One of the involved individuals will get hurt end of the “we are close friends” silliness. Because we are all humans we all have issues with jealousy and desire not to share. This relationship can end ugly or can turn into a pure friendship no sex involved. If person truly cares s/he will be there w/out sex. Sometimes this relationship becomes the best marriage life, sometimes the worst marriage life. The question here need to be answered is this: A sex mixture to relationship ingredient is b/c of convenience or b/c of the desire wanting that person in your life more than a friend.


I can sit here and type about possible outcomes of certain types of relationships but everything boils down into this:
As an adult you should know what you will/can put up with what you cannot or won’t put up with.

I also want to add one more thing in a serious dating life it is advisable not to have pre-set mind about too much of details. General idea yes, too much details no. This does not imply you should not have any idea and jump on anything passes by. As time passes one should know more about what s/he will/can not put up with. Will/can not put up with list is an incremental list. That is why hurry up and get married. Kidding… kidding.

For example the longer I live more I realize I do not like stress. I try my best to minimize it but I will confront it if I have to. Rule #1 for me is if I have to stress about a person, for one reason or another, I need to get out of it. Remember the purpose of seeking love is to bring joy and calmness into our lives.

With Love,

No_the_Game

P.S. While I was moving I missed all of you. I want to thank all of you guys and my co-blogger keeping it tied. I appreicate all of you. I will also put details and pics of my moving into other blog the next week.