A Private War

“I’m crying everyone’s tears. And there inside our private war, I died the night before.”

Sade, “King of Sorrow”

I must admit that Sade has an amazing and uncanny ability to sing words and emotions straight from my heart. Honestly, she really resonates with me.

I was listenting to the song, "King of Sorrow" and it made me think of relationships. I suppose the above lyrics must have really caught me at the moment. Guess I've been thinking about the private wars that we all struggle with in terms of our relationships.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… I had the great and unexpected pleasure of seeing one of my two best friends this weekend. We’ve been through a lot together. You know, it’s difficult to explain to someone what it’s like to have a BEST-FRIEND especially if they’ve never had the experience. When you’ve grown up with someone, and been close with them upwards of 15+ years, you understand parts of each other that sometimes surprise one another.

The occasion that brought him to town was a wedding. His girlfriend’s close college friend will be getting married.

I was excited not only to see him, but to see his girlfriend. Both of my family and his family are close, and our respective opinions carry weight with one another. He was eager to find out my opinion of the woman he had been dating a year. The verdict: Solid.

Now, that may not be a resounding endorsement, but I have a reason for my reluctance. These are two individuals are from two ENTIRELY different belief systems in both religous and cultural terms. Now, I know there are people out there who are in the “just as long as you love each other” camp, but I’m not sure that’s enough. Reconciling incompatable pieces of your culture with someone elses is not an easy thing to do, and maybe an impossible thing to do if you can't reach common ground.

Personally, I’ve gone through the whole private war thing, in religious and cultural terms, more than once. Honestly, I’d like to forget about it. But the truth is, I always have to ask myself what’s most important to me. Truthfully, I’m not afraid to make judgments, I just wanna make the right ones. Obviously, I'm not of the opinion I need to choose FOR him, or even that I should offer my opinion if it's unsolicited. But, if he asks, I'll be the friend that he was to me when he once warned me about the danger of a relationship I had entered long ago.

My best friend genuinely loves his lady, but what do you do when you can’t reconcile spiritual issues, or cultural ones? Their respective positions on religon and culture are dear to both them, it's not some sort of "who cares" deal, because both of them care dearly.

Damn, it’s something to wonder about. Suppose it's just one of those private wars you have to wadge alone.

Peace and Love,



All right !!! Raise Up and Open your ears!!! Here come my thoughts bloggerland!!!

F U C K E R S H I P.

My co – blogger have never put anything that was this passionate. This topic belled the rings too close to home. He reminded me one of the relationships I used to be in.

I used to date a guy for 5 years. I gave him 110% of me in return he acted out off ordinary one day and withdrew. 6 month later he got married to a normal looking girl. I do not consider myself “the world beauty princess” but I never had anybody to turn around and throw up. Needless to say she was not even close to me. So he got married and moved on so did I.

After him I was so hurt, I have decided not to date to anybody but not exclude sexual life. Without getting into details, those years I meet a few people. Anyhow, all these times I also meet a guy who was hurt almost the same way I was. We become friends and later on much more. I used to tell him things “as is”(sexual life of mine) but once he recommended me not tell him about my FUCK life because it made him to loose respect for me. So, from that point on I was careful of his feelings.

In between we used to talk about how it would be nice to be with each other exclusively. But we would never make to that point because every time one of us would back off. I admitted my own wrongdoings and he sort of admitted his. ( He was not an angel. Because he never told me his side of story that did not mean they were not there)

Brefily to say we were in an OPEN- END relationship. We both knew it. Actually it was him who named our “friends” relationship “AN OPEN-ENDED” relationship. He used to feed me with little piece of info about how he is trying to date. And LORD knows he mastered KEEP IT SECRET shit before anybody else did in the world.

We had our “friendship” for almost 3 years. We never had a problem till the day I told “friend” I wanted to be serious with him, because I developed strong feelings for him and I wanted to give LOVE a try again. I knew this guy years and I truelly appreciated him. He made me a better person for sure.
As soon as he heard my intentions that I wanted to be in a serious relationship he started accusing me and calling me names. He did not exactly call me names but he would describe me as if I was the last street-walker on the streets.

The most fundamental thing he kept forgetting was that he never gave me even a title of GIRL FRIEND or never claimed he was my BOY FRIEND. I was a friend and that was how I was known around his circle. When he accused me, it seemed he forgot that HE used to be O.K with “OPEN-END” fuckership . For some reason he kept forgetting that. He forgot that it was him who used to tell me "I AM EMOTIONALLY HURT and cannot move on." ( I am not trying to be an ANGEL here)

Needless to say he took a huge pride to dirt my name and walk all over my pride and act as if he Just jumped off Jesus Christ's arm.

When we he decided to broke up with me he accused me with the following:

- Cheater and lier

I yet to understand how one can cheat when there is no EXCLUSIVITY or word of GIRL/BOY FRIEND or RESPONSIBLITY discussed or agree on.

I think romantic relationships should be agreed on and discussed. Once it is agreed on then it is a BOND. That was why I brought up EXCLUSIVE relationship to him and that was when all troubles started.

The question I have to all of your guys
  1. DO you think ONE SHOULD BE held responsible for a relationship that was not discussed and nobody took responsibility for it or nobody claimed it?
  2. DO you think people, who are in I DO NOT WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE or TIED DOWN relationship, deserves to demand RESERVE YOURSELF FOR ME claim?
  3. Or blame each other for adultry??????????





Note: The following post is focused on the untruths told between partners. The post proceeds under the assumption that we all know we stretch the truth sometime, and nobody is “without sin”.


We all hear about the “Dating Game.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re suppose to play this and play that. We’re supposed to hedge our bets, because there are no guarantees in life, and you don’t wanna be left holding the bag. But tell me… when is the “Dating Game” not a game at all, and just a lie. Should those lies be forgiven?

Do you have to be in a commited relationship to tell the TRUTH? Isn't that a bit sick? Is it ok to be a LIAR (that's someone who tells things that aren't true, you know, someone who lies) because you don't "consider it formal"?

I just wonder why people lie to themselves and others by pretending that as long as you're not FORMALLY commited to a person it's ok for you to LIE and cheat them, and ultimately yourself.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… throughout my dating life, I’ve had some strange experiences. Maybe not any stranger than what everyone else goes through, but strange to me.

Sometimes, I have no idea why people do and say the things they do. For instance, if you are seeing someone and tell them that there is no one else in your life, and they tell you the same, is it “cheating” to have sex with someone(s) else because you don’t wanna give your relationship an “official” title? Is it worse if it's a one-night thing, or is it worse if they're having regluar sex with other people? Is it even worse if that person puts your health at risk (regardless if they care about their own), even after you've let them know that you take your own health serious?? How bout if they keep on doing it behind your back??

I wonder what people’s take on this is. I’m a bit confused. I don’t like semantic games or that whole “well… you never asked” crap. Telling your partner things that aren't true is called LYING, plain and simple. And if you do this, hate to break it to you, but you are a LIAR, you know, someone who lies. No, you're not a "Player", or someone who is "playing the game", you're just a LIAR.

I’m gonna have to give this some more thought, but my question to blogworld is this: Why is LYING a normal part of dating, and why do we tacitly and overtly encourage those around us (friends, buddies and such) to lie, though we call it a "game"?

If possible, please share some of the greatest, most shocking and most pathetic lies you've been told by a parter. Better yet, if possible, please include the LIES a partner "doesn't consider" LIES.

My favorite lie is when others pretend that their bullshit is a matter of unclear semantics, which according to them, you cannot hold them to, even if it's a blatant lie.

Damn, no wonder my father still asks me if I'm dating a "little lady" here in Chicago. Sorry Pops, your son was born under a bad sign. One of these days, I'm gonna find a LOYAL woman.

Oh well...

Peace and Love,


Update Question: If you are the LIAR, do you have the right to play the victim, or pretend to be hurt by the truth????


This article is devoted to the people who are in relationship which does not envolve mind games. If you are in mind games relationship this would not pertain your case.

Enjoy the ride!!!!!!!!!!

I mean DAYUM Baby!!! That is how you do things?

How would you lie to yourself over and over again? DO you think you are the key to my heart? Then astalavista!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will claim I am heatless and I want to move on. Guess what else I can do? I will delete your number off my heart/soul/memory and will never call and answer your phone call. I do not care what the hell is going on in your life unless you show some support or understanding towards my life. Yes I do it just like that. You say I abuse you. Ha what that supposed to mean?

How many times I am going to tell your sorry ASS don’t do certain SHIT because it ticks me off. Yeah it makes me to get on the TV like Beyonce and GO MAD ( I am referring her CD where she is acting out of character as if she is a mad cow which was just release to wildlife ) You know what I am into you but I can pass by you as well.

After couple minutes or hours you settle down and come to your senses. Hold up!!! This is the person I deeply care and I am sure s/he also cares about me. I call you because I do not want to lose you to a moment of anger. I still hope that we can work it our. We can make each other a better person. How can I scratch all that happy times move on just because you act irresponsible, oblivious and with slightly “it-is-payback time” attitude? I thought we were in agreement talk thru everything till we come to conclusion. Then you pick up the phone again and call. S/he talks to you so sweet and becomes so understanding almost makes you feel guilty raising Hurricane or making an ELEPHANT out of an ant.

YES baby!!!!!!!!!! It is called HATE & LOVE relationship. It is very hard to draw a line in Hate & Love relationship but I bet you line is going to be drawn. Will it be drawn for favor or against it will depend. It will be heavily depend on both parties ability to balance dosage of LOVE & HATE. That is the dilemma of all strangled/toxic relationships. One of the classical sign off H&L relationship is both parties can meet each others standards in a half way or some fundamental MUST HAVE match some do not.
The biggest question is that IS a half way ENOUGH for both of you. How long coaching and teaching are you willing to take from each other?

Have you ever known anybody or have you ever been in LOVE & HATE relationship? What is your recommendation?

With love and passion