Merry Belated X-Mass and a Happy New Year!

My Dear all!

It seems like we abonded the blog for a minute. In reallity we have not. We check it every day and visit your blogs. We want to deliver quality here and not to waste your time. We want something back for the love you guys showing us.

For some reason I do not want to come and dump all my negative feelings here. I just want to take all my feelings in and analyze it for the next year. I am coming up with a new plan which is called " 2007 is for me to prosper , to love and be loved and leave the ugly behind and welcome the beauty/happiness with open arm and heart"

I hope you will do the same. God I have some much to say but still feel a stone hanging in my heart and mind not letting me talk.


I will be back with startegies not with complains. Those who do not deserve my love and heart will not have it. I have decided I will not give my love away unless the person is really making an effort. Otherwise we all can say GOOD BYE pass HELLO future.

With luv,




I’ve been told, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” I think there may be something to that. Most of the time, at least in my experience, after a relationship matures, it’s easy to be complacent. Taking the people around us for granted can be so natural as we settle into ourselves and edge toward selfishness.

Sometimes it’s enough to want to throw in the towel on the whole thing. But then again, who doesn’t love that feeling of knowing your partner, friend or loved one is coming home, or better yet, coming just to see you. It’s enough to make even love cynics smile, even if only for a minute. There’s nothing like that first kiss, hug, or smile after some you care about has been gone. Isn’t it great?


How does this pertain to men and women's misunderstandings of each other?

Well… sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Personally, I’d rather not go through a devastating lost to know that I have people in my life worth valuing, but hey, some people don’t know stoves are hott.

It’s the little things in life that makes the world go ‘round. And it’s the little things that can make and break a relationship… or so it seems.

But I don’t think that’s necessarily the case. When you’re fighting with your mate about leaving the towel on the bathroom floor, or setting their purse on the kitchen table, it’s not really about those little things. There are other things bubbling up that have been left unresolved. Those real issues are what you’re really fighting about; they are just manifesting themselves at different times.

It’s the little things we focus on, because it’s the little things that affect us at the moment. Though it’s important to remember that the moment ends, and as time goes on, those little things don’t seem so important. When we think back to the terrible things we say and do to each other, they don’t seem so important when you find out your mate is sick, hurting, dying or in need comfort.

So, I try not to forget that time together is essential to learning how to communicate effectively. I’ve seen one too many person (myself included) jump into a situation they didn’t understand because they lacked the ability to communicate what they NEEDED and even wanted.

Ultimately though, there’s nothing wrong with a little time apart. As some guy in a movie said: “I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you walk away.”

Peace and Love,



Unintentional or Intentional, which one to blame? Part II

Let's me start thanking all of you for supporting me and advising me. I am truly thankful to internet for putting me together with each of you. When I was growing up I did not have my mom in my life, therefore I got to see my sisters once a blue moon. My grandmother was my only confidant till I was 10 then she got alzheimer. So I became a solo care-taker till I hit the late teens. Needless to say I always wanted to ask people opinions and get advice. I never were able to till I figured bloggerland out. I spend endless hours thinking about your comments and humbled.

Now I live in the states by myself and truly do not have any close friends I cannot talk about my intimate feelings to anybody besides the guy I am in love and hate relationship. Isn't that ironic?

In the states there used to be 3 people who knew me well. Not the no_the_game outside but the inside of me, inside of my brain. Out of three only one person knew me the way nobody knew me before with all my imperfection and good qualities, because I started out as friends. I met him very breifly in NYC when he was his way to Europe. So we meet a very short period of time in my hotel room. I remember that day as if it happened couple days ago. (seriously my heart is pounding right now. I do not know why I am nervous) No, we did not have a sex that day. Althought he wanted to. We kissed and stuff. When he tried to reach down I stopped him. So we decided to meet the next day just before he left for Europe.

The next day I tried to call him several times but he did not answer the phone. I even left a message. Yes, he even did not call me before he left. Before meeting in NYC we used to talk over the phone. He sounded a nice guy over the phone. You know after he did not return my call I thought WOW all men were pigs, even nice ones.

Month was passed. I think it was slightly over a month or less than a month, he called me when he returned from Europe. Appoligizing that he was out with his buddies drinking got pretty wasted that was why he did not return my call.

I am sure you are getting bored and thinking what is this have to do Part 2? Stay with me please.

So I was excited to talk to him again and I remember it clearly what I was doing when he called me. I even told him that I did not think he would ever call me again. I talked to him again because he was exteremly an intelligent guy from our phone convesations.

As we talked more I found out his girlfriend cheated on him while he was in Europe. (I did not know about his girlfriend till that point) He was realy upset. I mean words can not describe how upset he was. We talked hours and hours over the phone sometime we would be on the phone 5 straight hours. It went like 5-6 month like that. He used to tell me how much he loved her. While I was listening to him when he described how he loved her and the way he cared about her I would get jealous of her.
Hmmmm are u thinking if he loved her that much then WHY ON THE WORLD HE WAS FOOLING with you in NYC? Yes that is what was my mind then and now. But then I did not tell him that because we were FRIENDS right? It was COOL. Since he came back from Europe we talked over the phone and I start visiting him as much as I could.

So one year I celebrated new years eve with him and bunch of his buddies. One of his friends (they know each other since childhood) acted disrespectifully and my NYC guy did not stand up for me. (Let me insert it here that i did stuff to contribute his friends behavior. But none of that stuff was sexual anything in that context. I just was a biggest COCK BLOCKER that night)

Let me to put side note here that if I were the way I am now I would not even talk to him just because he ditched my while I was in NYC. He destroyed my plans for that day, but I would not be the way I am now if I have not meet him. He is somebody I truelly appreicate and love. I never loved anybody the way I love him. I sometimes think I treasure him. He is the blessing and curse of God in my life. I wish he could let my ugly, unacceptable pass ( read blog 9.14.2006 ) go so we can have someting and wonderful together. If not somebody will really apprecaite ME. A new me. He is a master mind behind a new me. He is somebody he taught me how to love and respect myself. I truelly love him but I have done huge damages to the relationship.

So now fastforward to this thanksgiving.

Yes I was talking about the guy I spended thanksgiving with. Please not here I am not an angel by all standards. I have done serious damages to the relationship. I told my NYC guy (let's call him this from now on) about my serious intentions he started digging up my previouse love life. But he forgets I still remember the day we were in NYC. I know that my pass is very hard for him to handle but I have much more too offer. Since our serious intentions I think he wants to figure out if he wants me to be in his life forever or not. I truelly do not know what is going his mind. He became hard to deal with person.

So we argue a lot. Due to my uncivilized behavior this situation is escalated a little bit more. I feel sorry for my behavior.

We left Chicago a day before Thanksgiving and arguing about everything. Arguement started over the suitcase he supposed to bring for me to pack. He supposed to bring me that damn suitcase on the weekend but here it was Monday night 10 pm I still did not have my suitcase. I started yelling over the phone and telling him I was going nowhere. Then he yelled back FINE and hang the phone on me. So I called back and told him bring it when he can and I am on my way to bed. So our Thanksgiving started on a wrong way anyways. All my way to his parent place I told him we are over and that is it. But only LORD knows how many times I have said that.

To be continued due to the length of post....

So question is do you think should I stick to my words when I say I will leave or should I stop saying it when I do not mean?

With luv,