Since the last posting I have changed jobs and had a surgery. I am almost recovered. Besides thanking all of royal readers and my co blogger, I actually have something to talk about: Falling in and off of love.
During my recovery I had enough time to rule a lot of things out of my life, such as keeping in touch with people who had or have nothing but a negative impact in my life.
Then I had time to think about my love life. How many times I felt in love for wrong reasons?! I felt in love with the person whom I could identify with, most of the time if they had a rough life then I was hooked. Not a good reason to fall in love. What’s even worse, I felt in love with the image of the person I created in my mind.
I also realized I have being used as an old pair of jeans. I also had my own share of using others. Disgusting , horrible isn’t it? I sort of set the hurt a side with the feeling that I have used others more than enough. Knowing what I know now I can tell that is not a healthy way of dealing with life.
My first love left me emotionally bankrupt with some good and bad memories.
My second love left me with a couple of thousand dollars short and emotionally strong. I will give him a credit. Although, he knew I would give up everything to please him and have him in my life, he did not abuse my love. He did not do anything to check if I was emotionally O.K He taught me how to help a person to fall off love. Very clever and witty way , I should admit. Wait a minute I should give myself kudos for learning my lesson.
And here is another guy I started as “a friend”, lets try to see if it will work kind a deal. My so-called “friend ” relationship really developed to a strong emotional support system & bond. It also helped me to find out weaknesses in my personality. This person became somebody I actually would listen to. (It is a huge deal for me. I am exteremly an independent person I do not listen) Sometimes I would act as if I am not listening but I would take all his criticisms and advise. I slowly but surely implement-ed/ing most of them. He is somebody I want to have in my life one form or another.
Needless to say, recently (maybe a last couple of month) I start to realize I did not fall in love with him the way I felt in love before. In my own way I let him know. That is when things got complicated. As soon as I wanted to have more out of so-called “friendship” relationship it became less conversational and duller. Nowadays a lot of our conversations starts with conditional clause. I am gonna do this if you did that. Oh, you are selfish, you are not pleasing me. I am not going to play your games.
Games???? I asked myself several times. What are they? All my desire to be pleased, pampered, romanticism, extra attention, now has being called GAMES. Now there is a new behavior popped up. My phone calls are not answered or not returned timely fashion. All of the sudden he stated spending time with "his boys."
I am no angel by any standards but I am older now. I understand a lot of things. There are a lot to be altered in my behavior and he has to alter some of his. Then this “a friend ” relationship might work.
One thing scares crap out of me though. In my first love I altered a lot of my behavior and it lead nowhere. After my first relationship I had this slogan : If I have to give up who I am to retain relationship it is not worse it because stake is too high.
Now I have the same dilemma and indication of having the same results.
Question of the day is how do you fell off love ? How did that happen? What would you recommend me to do?
Thank you so much for reading!!!!!!
NOTE: Remember, this posting is about men, women and relationships. Please, don’t get side-tracked with the opening material, or your economic sensibilities.
In 1998, Amartya Sen won the Nobel Prize in Economic Science. He was awarded the prize for his contributions to “Welfare Economics” and “Human Development,” among other notable accomplishments. Professor Sen has been recognized the world over for his fresh thinking in the field of Economics. He has taught at the London School of Economics and Harvard University, among other prestigious institutions.
I find Professor Sen’s positions on the importance of “Freedoms” in “Development” extremely interesting. Professor Sen has argued that “freedoms are not only the primary ends of development, they are also its principal means.” Now, he is far from the first to promulgate this position, but he is among its most eloquent spokesmen.
Underlying his argument are the roles of various “Un-Freedoms” in restricting both development and Freedom. Among what he describes as an “Un-Freedom,” are those things that hinder development, including but not limited to the: freedom from premature death due to preventable disease, freedom from abject poverty, freedom from political/economic coercion, freedom to earn a basic and adequate primary education, and so on.
This of course made me think of the nature of Freedom and development in a relationship. I mean, what are the things that prevent us from effectively developing a relationship? Do we understand the role of Freedom in a relationship? I mean, maybe most people, myself included, have misunderstood the role of individual Freedom as a means to developing a relationship.
How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?
Well… it seems to me that many of us may be misunderstanding the concept of Freedom, as it pertains to developing a relationship. Individualism is a good thing, but is complete independence the most important thing to bring to a relationship? It makes me wonder if sticking out your chest, bursting with pride, because you’re independent, is part of being Free in a relationship.
It’s not unusual for people to take pride in their independence, but my question is whether or not it is the MOST important position to occupy. If your goal is to be able to tell your partner at the drop of a hat “screw you, I’m independent, and no one can control me or tell me what to do,” you’re probably in big trouble. Life is about relationships. Being alone doesn't work as well as some of us might imagine. People need each other. Men and Women need each other. Friends need each other. While this makes us more vulnerable, it also gives us tremendous strength when we are together.
What comes to mind is a conversation I recently had with my mother. She recently told me that she had dinner with a friend of hers who had what might be considered a whirlwind younger life through her 40's. She was unlike any of the women "Back Home" at that time. She was both as unrestricted and as independent as anyone could be. A career, several graduate degrees, and a slew of selfish and uncompromising relationships later, she is now in her late-Fifties, and alone. She has plenty of memories of fun times with men (married and otherwise), but when she crawls in bed at night, her independence doesn’t hug her and say: “Baby, I can’t imagine having lived this life without you. Through good times and bad, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.” It took her until almost the age of sixty to figure this out. Being independent and alone wasn't all she thought it was cracked up to be.
The difference between medicine and poison is merely dosage. You can have too much of a good thing. Independence in an important Freedom, but like anything else, it has its boundaries. I mean, after all, we aren't free enough to call yelling FIRE in a crowed theatre acceptable, are we?
Is it possible that independence from our mate doesn’t make us as free as many of us are lead to believe? Maybe like many double-edged swords, it is both a Freedom AND and Un-Freedom.
What about the Freedom to grow old with the wrinkled hand of someone who has put up with your bullshit for 50 years? What about the Freedom from being alone? What about the Freedom to feel and be needed so that we are relevant in our intimate and personal life? Do these Freedoms help free the soul from the debilitating burdens of depression and loneliness, or possibly give us a greater purpose in life?
It’s a lot to think about. I wish I had the answer. I wonder how my parents have made it over 35 years, and counting.
Peace and Love,