BOUNDARIES: DO YOU KNOW YOURS?

On October 24, 1648, the major European powers signed the Treaty of Westphalia. After years of brutal religious wars in Europe, all the major political players decided it would be in all of their best interests to establish basic rules and territorial boundaries (at least in principle). For instance, one such rule that was derived from the treaty: “cuius regio eius religio,” which is translated from Latin to mean: "whose the realm, his is the religion." I personally found this to be too snooty a translation, so I’ll put it in plain English from the American South: “Ain’t but one rooster in the hen-house.”

The Treaty of Westphalia is a major turning point in Western history because it became one of the corner stones of the “nation-state” system. Even today we are operating under this basic nation-state system (in principle). The purpose of the system is quite simple: If I don’t respect your boundaries, what’s to stop someone else from disrespecting mine?

In terms of individual human relations, I find this philosophy of interaction to be the best words to strive to live by. Though we may all fall short due to: jealousy, anger, “love,” hate, embarrassment, curiosity, or so on… the principle is something I always try to keep in mind when I’m dealing with someone else.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… recently, several conversations have come to mind that remind me of the importance of boundaries. I think many of us live in a self-centered fantasy-land when it comes to the boundaries we should have with one another. Basically, we want our cake, your cake, and everyone else’s cake AND to eat it without being judged. I have my doubts that this is a realistic way to go through life. Like the institutionalized interactions between states, there are implicit agreements in serious and functioning relationships, with respect to acceptable boundaries.

For example, consider the boundaries which should exist between the interactions of you or your mate, and others. A breach of those boundaries can cause serious problems. I think some major problems arise when we have trouble accepting that more often than not, one book must close before another one opens. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS HAVING IT ALL.

It's easy to have trouble accepting that an ending is just that… an ending. For a functioning and respectful relationship, it’s detrimental to reach back to past lovers or romances, OR to create situations (yes, we create them most of the time) where ghosts from the past are free to reappear as they please. In terms of past serious relationships, that “friends” mess, in almost all cases, is highly inappropriate. This is all the more true the more serious that past relationship was. The hard truth is that there are appropriate friendships to have, and friendships that are inappropriate. Which ones are appropriate? Which ones are inappropriate? I can’t draw a bright-line for myself, let alone anyone else. But, I do have some ideas. How about avoiding these kind:

1) If you are still in love with someone else, and you are aware of it (don't kid yourself either).
2) If you still have in your heart/mind that you’ll always be connected to someone else (That's only true if you don't let go. You always have the option of doing so).
3) If you feel that you’re ALWAYS available to someone else, because you have "been through sooooo much together." Uh... yeah. And please, let's not do the whole, "but it's HARD" thing either.

For me, like most other men, another rooster in or pecking around my hen-house is absolutely unacceptable. But given my experiences with women, the same seems to be true for the opposite sex. I’ve never dated a woman who found it acceptable for another hen to peck around at her man's chicken coop, especially while mama hen wasn't home. Isn't that why there is chickenwire around chicken coops?

For those of you who have endured the silliness of an open-ended relationship, of any sort, you’ll probably understand better than others. The major problem that arises because of these open-ended relationships, is that they ARE open-ended, and relationships should not be they way. If someone is retaining an open-ended relationship, during a current commitment, one party is being abused.

Ever received that phone call from a past love while you were beginning a relationship with someone new? Many of us have. But how do you handle it? Do you try to honor a so-called promise that is now untenable and unacceptable? Do you hide it from your new partner? Do you THINK that you’ll always have a “special connection” with someone who is not your current mate? Do you want to?

Do you think any of that is appropriate?

In our relationships, it’s easy to forget that NOTHING IS FREE. Everything must be paid for in some way, shape or form; everything has an “OPPORTUNITY COST.” In economic terms, an opportunity cost is the true cost of something you give up to get what you want, which includes not only the MONEY spent but also the BENEFIT(S) you get in return. In relationship terms, an opportunity cost also includes the emotional price we pay too. Just because you didn't have a physical affair doesn't mean you're free and clear with respect to violating acceptable boundaries. Those benefits are paid for because you bought or did something, and can’t do or get something else because of it. IN PARCTICAL TERMS, THIS MAY VERY WELL COST YOU A MEASURE OF YOUR CURRENT PARTNER’S TRUST OR POSSIBLY THEIR RESPECT, ONCE YOU’VE ENTERED INTO A RELATIONSHIP.

Bottom line: Are you willing to pay for the cost of holding on to a past that can never be a real part of your future, at the expense of your present happiness, which actually has the chance to be your future?

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

HOLIDAY NOTE: To each and every person and family, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

From both of us,

nosthegametoo & No_the_game

ADDITIONAL NOTE: "No_the_game" has been in the process of moving, which is why she has been absent from the blog. As you can imagine, she has had more than a little bit to do. She sends her warmest regards to all of you here in blogworld; she misses you. Her internet connection will soon be up, and she will once again be preaching in the name of love.

ABRASIVESNESS AND TOUGH LOVE: Pt. I
“I feel like I’m being judged.”

One of the most recent blessings in my life has been the addition of an unbelievable older mentor who is a wise grandfatherly figure. I must admit, in the secret and private part of my heart, I’m jealous of all the people who have stories about their beloved grandparents. I only had one grandmother, and my time with her was too short (I still ask God to watch over your soul, lovely flower). Having grandparents is an experience that I’ll never have. Looking back, I’m sure I’ve tried to fill that void with other older and wiser people in my life.

My mentor is a mean old man in his mid-eighties. I have no problem with that. In fact, I love him for it. I grew up around old men, and the men in my family can be quite mean as well. So, I’m plenty used to it. In fact, a whole lot of people in my life want to meet him after hearing me talk about him. He may be mean, but he’s honest. And not that “Brutal Honesty” mess either (In a previous post, I explained why I don't believe in that concept). He NEVER says things to be malicious; he just lacks tact sometimes. He’s so no-nonsense that it’s almost hilarious sometimes. He can use an abrasive language that makes his speech both shocking and entertaining. BUT HE’S NOT JOKING, AND HE IS USUALLY RIGHT ABOUT WHAT HE TEACHES. He’s even funnier when he’s dead serious.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… there are two quotes that I often hear from people around my age and younger. I’m not even sure I can call them quotes, they’re more like insecurities or complexes. To me, I seriously question their wisdom, and the wisdom of sharing these with others when they are in need of guidance and answers from wise people with the knowledge to help them. The first one:

“I feel like I’m being judged.”

First, EVERYONE is always being judged. Time to get over that. Recently, I’ve heard this several times, so it’s sticking out in my head. I have heard several people praise a “friend” in their life for this reason: “What I love about him/her, is that he/she doesn’t judge me. They never have anything to say about what I do.”

To me, this is crazy. I think most people are more afraid of the word “judgment” than they are of its reality. But I guess that also has to do with the fact that most people will never know a True Friend. No True Friend stands idly by while they watch you jump off a cliff because “hey, that’s what he/she wanted.” Obviously, there is only so much a person can do. I’M SPEAKING OF INTERVENING AND EXPRESSING REALITY TO SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT. Whether or not they accept it is a whole different story.

My mentor has done a whole lot to lift the veil from my dream world. He often says, “You’re Dreamin!” Not always in reference to me in particular, but about younger people as a whole. And he’s right, so many of us are living in a dream world, and are completely out of touch with the real world.

For so many people I come across, there is no greater sin than “being told something.” Ewwwww… that’s like the Bogey-Man. They think “being told” is just about the worst thing in the world. Tell them, “don’t cross the street at night without looking,” and they’ll do it, because they THINK they’re being tough or defiant. THEY’RE LIVING IN A DREAM WORLD.

I hate to break it to the folks with that mentality, but we’re judged all the time, and that’s not a bad thing. WHAT’S BAD IS TO BE JUDGED ON BEHAVIORS, CIRCUMSTANCES AND TRAITS THAT ARE OUT OF OUR CONTROL. Sometimes, judgments are very important. Our reputations give others an impression of us before we even meet them. Here are some realities to think about:

Why work with a person with a reputation for being professional? He/she has been judged that way by the people around them. Would you want to work with someone who “didn’t care” about whether or not people thought they were professional?

Would you lend money to someone who had a reputation for not paying it back? He/she has been judged that way by the people around them. Most people, myself included, would say “hell no.” (lending, not giving when someone is in need)

The same goes for our other behaviors. The reality is this: NOTHING IS FREE. This means that the benefits of doing what you want, have consequences. Certain behaviors lead to certain judgments. And people are not necessarily wrong for making conclusions about you from your behavior. YOU'RE LIVING IN A DREAM WORLD IF YOU THINK IT'S WRONG FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR TO BE JUDGED.

BEHAVE HOW YOU WANT, BUT DON’T BE A FOOL AND EXPECT OTHERS TO ACCEPT OR EVEN ASSUME THAT PEOPLE ARE WRONG TO JUDGE YOUR SILLINESS BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE JUDGED DIFFERENTLY, EVEN THOUGH YOUR BEHAVIOR SUGGESTS OTHERWISE.

WORDS MAY HAVE MEANING, BUT SO DOES BEHAVIOR. AND SOMETIMES, YOUR ACTIONS CAN SPEAK SO LOUD THAT YOUR WORDS NO LONGER NEED TO BE HEARD.

NOTE: Understand that I assume (and rightfully so) that everyone here understands some basics. However, I’ll clarify, just in case.

1) This post is not about kissing people’s behinds or living for others.
2) Obviously, it is up to the individual to determine whether the judgment is relevant.
3) Everyone you meet should not be privileged to make such judgments on you.
4) This post is still in the context of relationships.
5) NO… I’m not perfect.
6) Being thinking individuals gave us all the “right” to judge the world and everything in it for ourselves.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

LOVE AND HEKA

The ancient Egyptians believed in a divine magic called: “Heka.” It was believed the creator-God “Ptah” used Heka when creating existence. The Egyptians believed all of existence, and all living things, possessed a measure of that divine force. Even the heavenly facilitator of love used the power of Heka to conjure passion between lovers.

In ancient Egypt, love’s divine inspiration was widely recognized. One of the heavenly embodiments of love came in the form of “Hathor.” She was the Goddess of love, music, singing and dancing. She was also one of the most important and widely worshiped Gods throughout the rise and fall of Egyptian civilization.

Today, the ancient Gods and Goddesses of Egypt are silent. We might even call the worship of these deities silly superstition to explain things they did not know, or could not understand. That may be true, but I must admit, when I think about love, there is an undeniable Heka to it.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… anyone who has ever experienced love, or at least the feeling that we ascribe the term to, can attest to its magic.

There’s so many forms of love magic that come out of relationships of any kind. Even before (and especially after) two individuals make love, they can be bonded in profound ways. But sometimes I think we’re too mystified by the physical magic of sex. It ain’t much. Then again, it does have a special magic to it. My feeling is that it's very easy to get distracted from building a relationship, whey you are mystified by physical magic. For those of you who have had both, think about this one: Given two choices, which feels better: 1) “Great” sex with somebody, or; 2) that special intimacy you have at night when you're alone with someone you love?

When I’m with my friends and I listen to the discussions about “grown folks” business, some form of man/woman issues are bound to pop up. They all have great stories about a lover they say was SOOOOOOO great. They always speak of how important physical magic is. But I know these guys and girls, and I know what they don’t talk about. They speak of sex, but at home when they need the ear of a loving friend, it’s always someone who they once loved that stays in their hearts and on their minds. The loss of a warm body doesn’t seem to have as much impact on someone as ending a once loving relationships does.

It’s crazy magic I tell you. And I have a lot of questions concerning love’s magic.

How is it that we drive ourselves crazy with jealousy?

Why do we covet things in people? Why do we look for ourselves in others and then fool ourselves into thinking we’re getting to know someone? Why is it that so many people don’t understand that humans are not images, and you can’t read your “standards” into someone else?

Have you ever felt yourself being pulled toward someone you’re trying to leave? Have you ever pulled someone closer who might otherwise have left you? Have you ever been in a situation where fire is instantly rekindled, no matter what difficulties you’ve had, whenever you’re in each other’s presence?

If anyone has the answer to any of these questions, or better yet an explanation as to why these things occur… I’m all ears. I may have asked these questions in general, but now that I read over them, maybe there is more of me in these questions than I thought.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo