THE STYLISH-LIFE?

In a lot of instances, I think our initial search for a mate is backward. Of course images catch the eye, but what about life-style?

When we first have our initial attraction to someone, the manner they present themselves has a big influence on us. Everybody wants to believe: “I don’t care about THINGS.” Nobody wants to believe they are easily impressed. I suppose we think it’s a sign of weakness, and we would like to believe that we are stronger than that. But we all find certain details of life alluring, and when we do, we are impressed. Why are most of us inclined to believe that it takes a great deal for someone to leave an “impression” on us? It's not that difficult to have a favorable opinion of someone or something in which we already have an interest. Often our potential Senorita or Romeo strikes a cord with us not because they spend money or even boast of some specific talent, but because we take an interest in their life-style.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… when we are seduced by someone’s life-style, it’s easy to be fooled. I think in modern contemporary circles, the term “life-style” is characterized much more about “style” than it is about “life.” Style is ever-evolving and highly subjective, while life as a whole is an endeavor of far more permanance and importance. But it’s really exciting to think that you’ve found a “partner in crime,” so to speak. I know from my point of view, I have my own difficulties finding someone who genuinely already has an interest in the things that I find most exciting. Sometimes it is good to teach someone we meet, but there is often a greater attraction to someone who is already familiar, or better yet, well-versed in something you find interesting and fun.

It’s tough when we are considering someone else’s “life-style” patterns and whether or not they are compatible with our own. We have to ask ourselves “how important is ‘life-style’ in choosing a mate?” I ask that not because I think it’s irrelevant, but because I wonder how much relevance is appropriate to place on it. I don’t think most of us have to make a choice between these sort of broad and extreme generalizations: a super-model (men)/millionaire (women) vs. an old hag (depressed men)/homeless man (depressed women). People often toss out these kinds of ridiculous extremes to avoid analyzing their choices in a mate. As if extremes like these are the only viable choices in life.

I think many of us seek people in a way that is as backward as the way we follow the term “life-style,” or maybe I should say “stylish-life,” which seems to be a bit more appropriate. I think this also coincides with our misinterpretations of images as well. A “life-style,” or “stylish-life,” can also be a false image.

The misunderstanding comes from the way we approach finding someone with an attractive “stylish-life.” In my own experience, and through the experiences of those close to me, I have seen people attempt to find compatibility in style, and then after that, they’ll try to find the important things necessary to make a happy life in their new “stylish” friend. I think the problem comes when we elevate style to the importance of finding someone who can live a compatible life in a relationship. Style is merely a detail in life. Style should be a compliment to the important things in life. It should be more of an added bonus than a measuring stick.

I think we can avoid a lot of problems in our relationships by establishing for ourselves and from the beginning the important things that are non-negotiable. People have a tendency to see themselves in others. That gives way to a false impression of our potential partner which is totally artificial and self-created. The things that are really important should be your fundamental non-negotiables. Think, respect, family oriented, compassionate, responsible … and so on. It’s dangerous to read these qualities in someone in a backward fashion, especially one based on image.

The toughest part about reading yourself or your stylish-life into someone else is that your potential mate is not at fault. Although it’s best to try to convey ourselves in the most transparent manner possible, we cannot always be responsible for our friend or partner’s misconception of us. Nor can our partner or friends always be responsible for our misconception of them. Especially when we are judging them on how we THINK they are living their lives.

Ultimately, I think it’s best to keep things as basic as possible. Trying to find a partner based on the intricacies of our various proclivities is more than likely a messy and unrealistic proposition. There are plenty of complications in this world. Why would we want to make life any harder by choosing a mate based on an allure that will definitely fade in time?

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo