THE PILLARS OF A RELATIONSHIP:

SACRIFICE

Since we live in a world that is sometimes broken down into dollars and cents, I thought I would begin by recognizing the most fundamental and basic principle of economics: “There are no free lunches.” Everything in life has a cost to it. It might not be cash or capital, it might be an opportunity cost (the cost of your choice when weighed against the loss of your next best option). But nevertheless, nothing is free. That includes love and relationships much more than we want to think.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about the “no free lunch” theory and I wonder how often our conception of a relationship rests on the notion of what’s in it for ME, ME, MEEEEE!!!! A successful, stable and all around functioning relationship is far greater than wealth. Wealth comes and goes, a rewarding relationship will last your entire life, and maybe longer if you touch people's lives. But are you willing to pay for it?

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… I’ve found that most people THINK they’ve found strength from their “you can’t tell me a thing,” attitude. I think people often foolishly believe that we are all such individuals that many of the interactions other people have to deal with don’t exist in our world. I’ve found that people really aren’t so different, maybe they are in the details, but overall, people are doing the same things with a slightly different twist; and I do emphasize SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT twist.

It’s important to know that for the creation AND maintenance of a successful and functioning relationship, there are certain things that really aren’t up for negotiation. There may be varying degrees, and possible debate concerning the level of abundance of certain “fundamentals,” but nonetheless, they have to exist. These pillars are the timeless foundations of relationships.

In economic terms, think of “capitalism.” In his most recent book, the world-renown Peruvian economist, Hernando De Soto, wrote: “Capitalism stands alone as the only feasible way to rationally organize a modern economy. At this moment in history, no responsible nation has a choice.” Comparatively speaking, in the context of a relationship, no rationale, responsible or reasonable person can believe that a meaningful relationship can exist without... SACRIFICE.

But to what extent do we sacrifice? I think the ultimate goal is not our willingness to sacrifice, but to find someone who is willing and able to sacrifice to the same degree. Now, that doesn’t mean that our sacrifices must be MATERIALLY equal (and by that, I’m not exclusively referring to the goods/services we can provide). Often it will be impossible for both partners to contribute equally in that manner. However, sacrifice is a matter of making reasonable concessions. This should be mutual. And it’s something both parties can do.

On the other hand, I still try to keep in mind the words of the First-Century Hebrew sage, Rabbi Hillel: “If I am not for myself, who is for me? But if I am for my own self only, what am I?”

Sacrifice is something that is REASONABLE. It must be understood: I’M NOT SPEAKING OF SACRIFICING YOUR SOUL FOR THE BENEFIT OF SOMEONE ELSE. OBVIOUSLY, THAT IS NOT REASONABLE. Besides, a relationship like that is doomed to either failure or perhaps worse, unbearable success (i.e., a lifeless marriage, or parasitic friendship).

One thing that does not have to be sacrificed is our own self-interest. It is good to act to the benefit of ourselves. The more we grow in life: spiritually, financially, philosophically, and so on, the more we can help those around us grow.

The great pitfall is to look a bit deeper in ourselves and to find out if our concept of “self-interest” is really ego wrapped in selfishness. Selfishness is NOT self-interest, although we often make excuses for our selfishness so that we can justify it as though it were.

Ultimately, I think the first sacrificial offering we can make at the great alter of our relationships is our selfishness.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo