THE PILLARS OF A RELATIONSHIP: CONSIDERATION

It’s nice to be back in the Windy City. I’m back in town, and since I have spent a lot of time with older and wiser men and women, I thought I would begin my post with a bit of ancient wisdom.

In Islam, there are five pillars which hold up the foundation of the faith. Roughly in English, they are:

I. WITNESSING: (SHAHADA) THERE IS NO GOD BUT GOD, AND MUHAMMAD IS HIS MESSENGER
II. PRAYER: (SALAH)
III. OBLIGATORY CHARITY: (ZAKAH)
IV. FASTING: (SAWM)
V. THE PILGRIMAGE: (HAJJ)

Recently, I’ve been thinking more and more about the pillars of a relationship when it comes to dealing with our mates. I think we can save ourselves a whole lot of grief by keeping some of our wild and childish expectations to a minimum, and focusing on the important pillars that support our relationships.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… normally, when I think of the important things necessary to maintain a working relationship, I think of the “non-negotiables.” By “non-negotiable” I usually mean the choices in a mate that we make which are indispensable to the establishment of a life with our significant other. I mean the things we are absolutely not willing to compromise. Although many of those are the things we WANT … I’m under the allusion that they should be based on the things we NEED.

However, when I really think to the things that matter in a relationship, be it: platonic, romantic, friendly or otherwise, I feel like there are fundamental pillars that must exist in order to hold up the foundation of the relationship.

FOR INSTANCE: CONSIDERATION

From one end of the spectrum, I can think of several women in my dating life who must have never HEARD of the concept of being considerate. These women generally thought only of themselves, regardless of what the consequences of their actions might be. I suppose they were used to “dishing it out,” but in the long-run, none of them could take the same inconsiderate attitude they always dished out. It’s down right interesting.

How about this for an example: I once had a woman say to me, “I won’t do [this, that or the other thing], because a man’s pleasure should come from pleasing a woman.” But the most interesting part is that she DEMANDED all of the things she would not do. She even thought they should be part of her daily dose of pampering. I’m not paraphrasing that either, she said that in the context of a genuine dating relationship.

On the other end of the spectrum, I can think of my own hard-headedness. In one particular circumstance, I waited to disclose some information that should have been discussed earlier, until I was upset. After I was mad, then I spit it all out. Just to emphasize, I’m NOT talking about infidelity. This caused a whole heap of problems. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that coming, does it?

Now, let’s be serious. I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT STEPPING ON EGGSHELLS ALL DAY LONG OR KISSING SOMEONE’S BEHIND. I really really hate it when people take a reasonable discussion to the extreme and use all or nothing examples to avoid thinking about the topic. I’m talking about taking someone else’s REASONABLE thoughts into mind before you act. I will concede that sometimes our demands on one another are not resasonable, but: I'm talking about REASONABLE boundaries of respect. I'll have to spend more time in the not too distant future talking about a more precise definition for "reasonable boundaries."

All forms of relationships are meetings of the minds. That means there are two or more minds that have to reconcile their thoughts, emotions and various idiosyncrasies in order to sustain a viable and functioning relationship. And as we all know, as we get older, we become more and more stubborn and unwilling to deviate from our long-developed personality quirks.

Most of us have a million excuses and thousands of reasons why it’s ok for us to get defensive about our thoughtless actions or inconsiderate behavior. But in the end, I would bet that a little bit of consideration would prevent a whole lot of grief. WE CAN AVOID THE PITFALLS OF A FAULTY FOUNDATION BY ESTABLISHING CONSIDERATION AS ONE OF THE IMPORTANT PILLARS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP .

Like the old folks say: "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo