SELFISHNESS, SELF-INTEREST & THE GOLDEN-RULE

The First-Century Hebrew sage, Rabbi Hillel, taught the maxim: “That which is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor.” We now call this the Golden-Rule. But when is it important to exclusively take care of yourself, even though it may not be in the best interest of your friend or partner? My thoughts are that acting in self-interest is a good thing, and selfishness is bad. I think there is a difference. When we act selfishly, we are acting in a manner that we would not want to be similarly treated. When we act in self-interest, we are making ourselves greater people, and that will benefit those around us.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… Many people straddle the thin line between selfishness and self-interest. The line between selfishness and self-interest can easily become confusing. Rabbi Hillel also posed the questions: “If I am not for myself, who is for me? But if I am for my own self only, what am I?” I can’t really think of a better way of stating the potential conflict.

All forms of important relationships carry with them a responsibility. Nothing is free. Even the closeness of a friendship or the intimacy of a relationship with someone you love has its price. Hopefully, that price is nothing more than respect, understanding, compassion, empathy or sympathy (when needed), fidelity, loyalty or the other important things that make a relationship last. But your friend or mate must know and understand the cost of each of the important fundamentals, because they all require some reasonable sacrifices and compromises.

I looked up the word “selfish,” and I found that it is: “seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.” That doesn’t seem appealing to me. I find that selfishness is not an attractive quality in a relationship. But still, I have to go back to the wise old Rabbi and ask: “If I am not for myself, who is for me?” We have to take care of ourselves in this life, but to what extent do we do that alone?

This certainly doesn’t mean I would advocate living your life trying to make someone else happy. That isn’t compromise. And compromise can only come from effectively expressing your thoughts, feelings and positions. A failure to compromise, and reach workable and reasonable solutions to situtations, would probably be detrimental to your own pursuit of happiness and consequently against your own self-interest. That is a bad thing. But can you do more than just take? Do we sometimes think only of ourselves when it comes to our needs: emotionally, intimately, financially or when it comes to someone else's much needed personal time? Do we demand more than we can give?

Granted, abuse and mistreatment (physical or mental) are situations that should never be tolerated; that is not the scope of this discussion. What I am speaking of are the draining everyday problems that stem from a close relationship. The kind of problems that exist between two people because they can’t substitute their thoughts, hearts and minds with those of their mate. I am speaking of the workable problems that have the potential to become destructive over time.

There is a tremendous temptation to facilitate the breakdown of a relationship because we are either upset, experiencing tough times or agitated at the prospect of uncertainty. Because of this temptation, it is easy to turn inward and forsake anything that is not to your benefit. To me, that is selfishness. That takes me back to the wise old Rabbi once again, and I ask myself: “If I am for my own self only, what am I?”

Sometimes we all want to say: “My way or the highway.” It’s not always reasonable to think that way, especially in a relationship. I have seen and experienced the downfall of many relationships that could have thrived if it were not for one, the other or both person’s PRIDE. I think pride is the road to selfishness. But pride is a whole different story.

Relationships must have balance. There may come times when the balance leans more one way, then more the other, but the aggregate of the relationship should be balanced. I think we are in trouble in our relationships, when we take paths that lead us to selfishness. Acting in selfishness, which is “without regard for others,” doesn’t seem like a quality that contributes to a lasting relationship. I doubt any of us want our partners and friends to treat us with no regard.

We just might be better off taking a look back at the Golden-Rule. I think those words have some meaning to them.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo