ARE WE REALLY LISTENING?

I once asked a neuro-surgeon: “what’s the secret to women?” He was an opinionated and confident guy, and he definately has a bit of wisdom (I’m distinguishing “wisdom” from “knowledge” here). Actually, I love talking to this guy, and every time we get a minute to hang out, he’s always funny too. So take his comments with a bit of sugar, though he was serious when he said them. This was his response, as best I can remember it:

You know…the secret to women is in their ears. A woman
believes what she hears. Women often learn through their ears. Now,
every woman is different, but if there IS any secret, it is to speak to their
ears.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… I’ll offer some personal anecdotes dealing with listening to illustrate.

I can think of several relationships or situations I have been involved with, dating back to my earliest forays into this quagmire we all call romance. In one situation in particular, the short-lived relationship feel apart because she told me I wasn’t able to share my REAL feelings with her. She wanted me to tell her all kinds of things I thought were already there. We were close, and good friends too, but I now wonder if I was really listening to what she was saying rather than acting on what I thought I was hearing. Apparently, there is a difference.

When I think back to it, it’s probably something I should work on. I’m pretty expressive when I let someone in my life, so I might just be under the assumption that my expressions are understood. It’s something that I’m seriously considering these days.

In another situation, it wasn’t me who didn’t listen. I had a woman once break a promise to me about visiting a man she said she wouldn’t. She knew I was familiar with him, and I had told her that it wasn’t respectful to meet someone (whom she was romantically interested in) while she was visiting me. Although we weren’t yet in a committed relationship, we really were (it was a stressful and tough situation due to distance). The conversation was clear as could be, and she PROMISED not to meet the guy. She met him anyway, while she was visiting me and before we were to take a special trip together that same day. An argument ensued, and a wonderful morning was ruined. She actually never acknowledged doing anything wrong. She refused to acknowledge that she broke a promise because she did not plan on seeing him.

Whatever excuses we make for not listening to our mates often doesn’t help the situation. Truly listening and hearing our loved ones takes patience and skill; it's not a selfish art. But like a lot of things, the cover-up is worse than the crime. If words have meaning, maybe we should listen a bit better. When someone tells me things like, “I’m afraid of hurting you,” I more than listen these days. The truth is…they might be trying to tell you something they haven’t shared yet.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo