IS THERE SUCH A THING AS BRUTAL HONESTY?

I’ve found a good deal of people who subscribe to the so-called “Brutal Honesty” philosophy of life. But I often wonder if there is such a thing.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… there seems to be far less “honesty” in the concept of brutal honesty than the phrase pre-supposes. I’ve found that the concept seems to be based on an assertion of a power dynamic. By pointing out painful truths, one partner is asserting their brand of “honesty” while striking at the other partner’s weakest point. Of course there are painful truths in life, but it seems that we should rationally exclude those which have to be told, such as: self-destructive behavior, addiction, extreme recklessness, or other behaviors which are dangerous to the health of the individual… from non-imminent threats to our partner’s health and life.

However, before I continue, I want to make sure that I’m not establishing myself as a person who is tacitly approving of “lying.” Compassion and lying are not in the same realm. And more important: Speaking with compassion for the feelings of others is NOT "lying."

To illustrate, I will go back to a bit of lost play-ground wisdom: “if you don’t have anything good to say…don’t say anything at all.” Obviously this is over simplified, especially in an adult’s world, but there is truth in it when it comes to our relationships. People often act without making a quick cost/benefit analysis of the situation. Is there any benefit to this form of “telling it like it is?” And more importantly, what is the purpose of speaking in that manner to your partner?

The concept of “brutal honesty” itself is defined by its first word “brutal.” If you look up “brutal” in the dictionary, you’ll find it: “applies to people, their acts, or their words and suggests a lack of intelligence, feeling, or humanity.”

Now, if words have meaning, those people who believe in brutal honesty as a philosophy of life are already on shaky ground. I’m sure most practitioners of the art of brutality are probably not convinced, because they have a second word to hide behind. So I decided to look that one up too, and I found that, Honesty: “implies a refusal to lie, steal, or deceive in any way.”

Brutality warped in “honesty” is not honest; this sort of “honesty” is as much a lie as anything deliberately meant to deceive.

The practitioner of the art of brutality is always selective in their choice of when to brandish this highly effective weapon of esteem crushing. I’ve found that couples will uses portions of the truth, possibly behavioral flaws or character flaws as a convenient way to punish the recipient of their so-called “truth.” This is especially true when “honesty” is nothing more than pointing out the obvious. For instance: “wow…you really have an ugly hair cut.” There may be appropriate times to talk to a loved one about their appearance, but I often question why people choose the times they do. I once knew a girl who would choose to tell stories about every single detail of her past relationships when she wanted to get attention. The information might have been true, and some even painful truth, but what was the purpose? Was it honesty? Or something else?

Inherent in this selective use of the truth is an underlying dishonesty. The conscious use of factual information for the specific purpose of either causing pain, exercising power (most often this is the case), or using “brutal honesty” as a way to strike back at someone after having feelings of anger, is far from the meaning of honesty. But that’s only if words have meaning. If words have no meaning, then forget all of this.

All in all, I have my doubts about “brutal honesty” and whether or not there is ANY honesty in it. How about another word? Tact: “implies delicate and and considerate perception of what is appropriate.”

I’m talking about mature relationships here. If we can’t successfully express what’s on our mind without pretense of what we actually feel, I think that we are on the road to misunderstanding our partner, and all the problems that arise because of it. I doubt most of us consider being “brutal” a good quality in a mate. So why would we practice something we wouldn’t want done to us?

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo