IS JEALOUSLY A GOOD THING?

When you’re jealous over someone, does it mean you care? I wonder about that. I get the feeling that jealousy is often a manifestation of selfishness. Or even worse, it’s a verbalization of distrust. In my opinion, either of these qualities is potentially relationship ending. Neither is the foundation of something lasting. Selfishness in a person may just be a signal that they are unable to be considerate; but more than being inconsiderate, maybe they are unable to think of ANYTHING but themselves. And of course, I think most people would agree that there isn’t much there if distrust is part of a relationship.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… I once dated a woman that thought that jealousy was a sign of affection. She always wondered why I didn’t get jealous over her. Then, she would feel ashamed of her obvious mistrust (which by the way, was without merit), cry about it, and do that whole dance all over again. If that wasn’t bad enough, she even had her “friends” telling her that she should be worried about my lack of jealousy. Funny enough, their relationship experience, even in their early twenties, was limited to episodes of Sex & The City, and the teen-oriented magazines they read. Also, I shouldn’t forget to throw in everyone’s favorite modern-day household surrogate parent and model for stable relationships: MTV. Although, none of her “friends” had ever had the opportunity to connect with someone on a serious level at that time. But of course, like many lonely people, they were never short on advice.

The honest reason I was never jealous is that I was confident that she cared deeply, so I never thought anything about it. Now, that doesn’t mean I took it for granted. I went out of my way to SHOW I cared at every opportunity. But I had more friends than she did (she never had a true friend, and only one or two shady female buddies), and even some life-long friends from my early childhood (who are still around to this day, and still as close as family), so when she got the opportunity to go out without me, I was happy for her. I always encouraged her to go out with her friends and even go dancing. I never felt that I should be worried. In fact, I would go to bed and tell her to call the next day and tell me how much fun she had. Now, some might say that makes me a fool, but I had faith and trust.

Since that situation, I have talked to women who have said that jealousy means that someone really cares about you. But I wonder about that. I know some people look at jealousy as the ability to arouse anger in someone, which means that the person must have feelings toward you. If you look at it from that perspective, then you’ve got something positive on your hand that reassures you that you’re with someone who has feelings for you.

On the other hand, if you’re with someone who doesn’t share that philosophy of life, you might just have a problem. I’m of the opinion that jealousy occurs from a lack of trust and faith…but most often sheer insecurity. I can understand if someone is constantly giving you reasons not to trust them. To me, that seems to be a natural reaction to fearing for the stability and fidelity of your relationship. But, what if the person is intentionally doing things to try to provoke that reaction out of you? I once dated a woman who loved to talk of past intimacies with other people to provoke a reaction out of me. I suppose she thought this was a fool-proof way of determining if I really cared. But what it actually did was make me wonder. Why speak of these things? How seriously could she really have taken me? If she was so wrapped up in those past intimacies, how was I to know if they WERE past intimacies? From my perspective, I used to wonder to myself: “if she speaks so openly and nonchalantly about these things, am I to believe that she doesn't still have those intimacies?” She always said no, but you can never be certain when it comes to people. But caring for someone can sometimes make you a fool. I’m sure most of us have been there.

If I could impress anything on all those super-jealous souls out there, it would be this: Hearts are often unpredictable, and provoking a reaction out of someone might yield unintended consequences. I think we’ve all tested boundaries out of curiosity, but it’s a dangerous game. It’s a game that leads to misunderstandings, and the potential downfall of something that might have stood.

Since these situations, and other experiences, I’m mindful of my own insecurities and cautious about the level of reassurance I need from a mate. Ultimately, it was their insecurity that taught me to be more secure in myself.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo