DO WE SAY WHAT WE MEAN?


Everyone SAYS that honesty is one of the most important qualities they look for in a mate. But do those of us who purport to covet honesty so much, PROVIDE the truthfulness we demand from others? Relationships are a two-way street. It has been my experience that we often demand quite a bit more than we are willing or even able to give.

Here’s a newsflash: WORDS HAVE MEANING. Seems like it makes sense, don’t it? I get the feeling that we all think that we say what we mean. But how often is that true? I’ll bet you have all heard people say: “Look…love me or hate me…I say what I mean.” It even seems to be a quality to look up to. Or how about this one: “You know…I kind of admire him/her…he/she doesn’t care what anybody thinks.” It sometimes appears that saying whatever is on your mind whenever you want is a trait of being free and speaking honestly. But I have my doubts about that. Is saying whatever you feel like in whatever moment you choose honest? I’m having serious doubts about it.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well…when it comes to some of the women I’ve dated, I’ve been asked in a very straight forward manner: “please don’t say things you don’t mean.” I do my best, but that doesn’t mean I’ve perfected the art of transparency. I’m pretty aware that I am far from prefect.

I can remember one instance where I told a woman I was dating that I cared about her before she was ready to hear it and I was ready to back it up. But, I did legitimately feel that way. And to this day, I’m still operating under the assumption that she probably felt the same way at that time. It just was not the best time. When she pointed that out to me, I thought about it, and never said those things to her again. We continued to see each other, and things seemed to go well. However, a few months later, I found myself telling her the exact same thing. I told her, “you can’t go around telling me you love me if….” I really don’t think this particular “if” matters, because we all have our own “ifs” when it comes to what irritates us in someone else’s behavior, but feel free to insert your own experience after my “if.” Funny enough, this time, she was saying things she couldn't back up.

It seems to me that misunderstandings sometimes come from being comfortable with someone. How many of us have heard or said “don’t ever talk to me again” to or from someone we care about? Now, if we or they took those words at face value when they weren't meant, many of our friendships and relationships would be in serious trouble. The problem comes when we forget that our mates aren’t mind readers. How often can you tell someone things you don’t mean and expect them to think you’re just mad for the moment?

Another problem is this: when you say things that have no meaning because you’re upset, there is no guarantee that those things will fade. When I look back on some of the women I’ve dated, I wonder how much our thoughtless words contributed to our problems. If anything, I at least think back to all of those conversations and think twice before I say things that can’t be taken back. Emotions are not like a faucet. Unless you’re a psycho, you can’t just turn them off and on at will. But then again, being considerate of someone else’s feelings most of the times takes practice. Sometimes, it’s a practice your mate can or can’t work on. If they don’t really care, it’s probably time for some serious decisions.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo