Merry Belated X-Mass and a Happy New Year!

My Dear all!

It seems like we abonded the blog for a minute. In reallity we have not. We check it every day and visit your blogs. We want to deliver quality here and not to waste your time. We want something back for the love you guys showing us.

For some reason I do not want to come and dump all my negative feelings here. I just want to take all my feelings in and analyze it for the next year. I am coming up with a new plan which is called " 2007 is for me to prosper , to love and be loved and leave the ugly behind and welcome the beauty/happiness with open arm and heart"

I hope you will do the same. God I have some much to say but still feel a stone hanging in my heart and mind not letting me talk.

A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU!!!!


I will be back with startegies not with complains. Those who do not deserve my love and heart will not have it. I have decided I will not give my love away unless the person is really making an effort. Otherwise we all can say GOOD BYE pass HELLO future.

With luv,

NO_THE_GAME

ABSENCE AND THE HEART

I’ve been told, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” I think there may be something to that. Most of the time, at least in my experience, after a relationship matures, it’s easy to be complacent. Taking the people around us for granted can be so natural as we settle into ourselves and edge toward selfishness.

Sometimes it’s enough to want to throw in the towel on the whole thing. But then again, who doesn’t love that feeling of knowing your partner, friend or loved one is coming home, or better yet, coming just to see you. It’s enough to make even love cynics smile, even if only for a minute. There’s nothing like that first kiss, hug, or smile after some you care about has been gone. Isn’t it great?

SO WHY DO THEY DRIVE US CRAZY WHEN THEY’RE AROUND???

How does this pertain to men and women's misunderstandings of each other?

Well… sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Personally, I’d rather not go through a devastating lost to know that I have people in my life worth valuing, but hey, some people don’t know stoves are hott.

It’s the little things in life that makes the world go ‘round. And it’s the little things that can make and break a relationship… or so it seems.

But I don’t think that’s necessarily the case. When you’re fighting with your mate about leaving the towel on the bathroom floor, or setting their purse on the kitchen table, it’s not really about those little things. There are other things bubbling up that have been left unresolved. Those real issues are what you’re really fighting about; they are just manifesting themselves at different times.

It’s the little things we focus on, because it’s the little things that affect us at the moment. Though it’s important to remember that the moment ends, and as time goes on, those little things don’t seem so important. When we think back to the terrible things we say and do to each other, they don’t seem so important when you find out your mate is sick, hurting, dying or in need comfort.

So, I try not to forget that time together is essential to learning how to communicate effectively. I’ve seen one too many person (myself included) jump into a situation they didn’t understand because they lacked the ability to communicate what they NEEDED and even wanted.

Ultimately though, there’s nothing wrong with a little time apart. As some guy in a movie said: “I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you walk away.”

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

Unintentional or Intentional, which one to blame? Part II

Let's me start thanking all of you for supporting me and advising me. I am truly thankful to internet for putting me together with each of you. When I was growing up I did not have my mom in my life, therefore I got to see my sisters once a blue moon. My grandmother was my only confidant till I was 10 then she got alzheimer. So I became a solo care-taker till I hit the late teens. Needless to say I always wanted to ask people opinions and get advice. I never were able to till I figured bloggerland out. I spend endless hours thinking about your comments and humbled.

Now I live in the states by myself and truly do not have any close friends I cannot talk about my intimate feelings to anybody besides the guy I am in love and hate relationship. Isn't that ironic?

In the states there used to be 3 people who knew me well. Not the no_the_game outside but the inside of me, inside of my brain. Out of three only one person knew me the way nobody knew me before with all my imperfection and good qualities, because I started out as friends. I met him very breifly in NYC when he was his way to Europe. So we meet a very short period of time in my hotel room. I remember that day as if it happened couple days ago. (seriously my heart is pounding right now. I do not know why I am nervous) No, we did not have a sex that day. Althought he wanted to. We kissed and stuff. When he tried to reach down I stopped him. So we decided to meet the next day just before he left for Europe.

The next day I tried to call him several times but he did not answer the phone. I even left a message. Yes, he even did not call me before he left. Before meeting in NYC we used to talk over the phone. He sounded a nice guy over the phone. You know after he did not return my call I thought WOW all men were pigs, even nice ones.

Month was passed. I think it was slightly over a month or less than a month, he called me when he returned from Europe. Appoligizing that he was out with his buddies drinking got pretty wasted that was why he did not return my call.

I am sure you are getting bored and thinking what is this have to do Part 2? Stay with me please.

So I was excited to talk to him again and I remember it clearly what I was doing when he called me. I even told him that I did not think he would ever call me again. I talked to him again because he was exteremly an intelligent guy from our phone convesations.

As we talked more I found out his girlfriend cheated on him while he was in Europe. (I did not know about his girlfriend till that point) He was realy upset. I mean words can not describe how upset he was. We talked hours and hours over the phone sometime we would be on the phone 5 straight hours. It went like 5-6 month like that. He used to tell me how much he loved her. While I was listening to him when he described how he loved her and the way he cared about her I would get jealous of her.

Hmmmm are u thinking if he loved her that much then WHY ON THE WORLD HE WAS FOOLING with you in NYC? Yes that is what was my mind then and now. But then I did not tell him that because we were FRIENDS right? It was COOL. Since he came back from Europe we talked over the phone and I start visiting him as much as I could.

So one year I celebrated new years eve with him and bunch of his buddies. One of his friends (they know each other since childhood) acted disrespectifully and my NYC guy did not stand up for me. (Let me insert it here that i did stuff to contribute his friends behavior. But none of that stuff was sexual anything in that context. I just was a biggest COCK BLOCKER that night)

Let me to put side note here that if I were the way I am now I would not even talk to him just because he ditched my while I was in NYC. He destroyed my plans for that day, but I would not be the way I am now if I have not meet him. He is somebody I truelly appreicate and love. I never loved anybody the way I love him. I sometimes think I treasure him. He is the blessing and curse of God in my life. I wish he could let my ugly, unacceptable pass ( read blog 9.14.2006 ) go so we can have someting and wonderful together. If not somebody will really apprecaite ME. A new me. He is a master mind behind a new me. He is somebody he taught me how to love and respect myself. I truelly love him but I have done huge damages to the relationship.

So now fastforward to this thanksgiving.

Yes I was talking about the guy I spended thanksgiving with. Please not here I am not an angel by all standards. I have done serious damages to the relationship. I told my NYC guy (let's call him this from now on) about my serious intentions he started digging up my previouse love life. But he forgets I still remember the day we were in NYC. I know that my pass is very hard for him to handle but I have much more too offer. Since our serious intentions I think he wants to figure out if he wants me to be in his life forever or not. I truelly do not know what is going his mind. He became hard to deal with person.

So we argue a lot. Due to my uncivilized behavior this situation is escalated a little bit more. I feel sorry for my behavior.

We left Chicago a day before Thanksgiving and arguing about everything. Arguement started over the suitcase he supposed to bring for me to pack. He supposed to bring me that damn suitcase on the weekend but here it was Monday night 10 pm I still did not have my suitcase. I started yelling over the phone and telling him I was going nowhere. Then he yelled back FINE and hang the phone on me. So I called back and told him bring it when he can and I am on my way to bed. So our Thanksgiving started on a wrong way anyways. All my way to his parent place I told him we are over and that is it. But only LORD knows how many times I have said that.

To be continued due to the length of post....

So question is do you think should I stick to my words when I say I will leave or should I stop saying it when I do not mean?

With luv,
No_the_game

Unintentional or Intentional, which one to blame? PART I

I generally do not put anything besides our own writing on this blog but it is somehow related even FUNNY!!!
Sexual Consent
















Happy Belated Thanksgiving Everybody!

I was away from home for Thanksgiving and could not access blogspot. You are probably thinking what century are we at ? Funny enough, people I visited had a perfect PC and high speed Internet. I still could not access internet because of their “The secret CIA decktop” I call it “The secret CIA desktop” because it is monitored such a way I was not even able to get my g-mail account. Needless to say I was able to read your blogs and could not respond to any. OK , enough of my “secret CIA desktop”

I had a worse holiday event my life. I will write about it in 3 separate posts ( You are going to hear the horrible stores and how uncivilized I acted). Now, let’s get started.

Neither food nor the people who hosted me were bad. Everything was good but the person who invited me. I just simply have love & hate relationship with this person. I mentioned him on the pervious posts sporadically. He is somebody I used to love with my whole heart and looked forward seeing him whenever I got chance. He is somebody I used to tell a very secret part of my life. (Now he uses them against me) He is somebody who used to give me the peace, love and attention that would make me feel blessed.

Not a long time ago ( 6 months) I told him that I wanted to be serious with him and have a relationship. Since then everything is going down the hill. He mentally abuses me and even worse he thinks nothing of it. He became a nightmare of my life. I do not want to be with him or without him. I have heard people do not change over the time, their true face shows off after awhile. I am in a limbo where I can not tell which one was true him; a caring, loving person or the evil who acts mean intentionally.

I am no angel myself. I am a very selfish person. My selfishness stems from my childhood (He knows it too). I was abused and neglected as a child. I remember clearly that I used to swear that when I get old enough I will not let anybody to take advantage of me or take things away from me. So, sometime this self created trait comes off in my daily life and relationships. When I act selfish I try to compensate it or apologize. He knows I have changed for a better and I am working on my short comings.

The only question I have is it acceptable for him to act mean just because he wants to pay me back?

My mean behaviors are truly unintentional but his are intentional.

He tells me, he will treat me the way I treat him.

Do you think he is right the way he treats me even though he knows I am working on mine ?

With Luv,
No_the_game

I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU ANNOY ME

I had a long lunch yesterday. I don’t think anyone needed it more. I even had a chance to take a few minutes to enjoy Millennium Park, here in downtown Chicago. The new park is a wonderful place. It’s not often that a city uses prime real estate in one of the most expensive parts of the commercial and business district for a public park. It’s a beautiful place to just take a minute and get your thoughts together.

Sometimes, I think it’s important to take a short time out of your day to remember the things that make life important and precious.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… night before last, two very important people in my life called me around the same time. One, a best friend of many years who lives Out East, and another a dear friend who lives much closer. One being male, and the other being female gave me a unique way of taking in all they were inadvertently reminding me of. So I’ll break it down in two seemingly unrelated short stories:

Short Story #1:

I am fairly familiar with a guy who grew up near me and now lives Out East. This guy is such an embarrassment that he has been black-balled by every person he comes into contact with, myself included. It’s not necessary the racism or anti-Semitism that gets people, but believe me, that crap doesn’t help his case. It’s not that he has already been slapped with sexual harassment on the job. Hell, it’s not even the fact that he has a crazed look in his eye. It’s really just the man himself.

So, this all-purpose leper invites my best friend out last night, and my friend accepts reluctantly. After a humiliating evening, my friend calls me up and tells me how bad this poor guy has really become. A full-blown alcoholic, he is now the vying for the Angriest Man Alive award. He’s a complete mess of a man. So much so, that my best friend has reluctantly decided to black-ball him as well (which I told him to do long ago).

Before we got off the phone, my best friend paused just to say thank you for being a life-long friend. I was kind of thrown off guard. But the sentiment really hit me. We talked a bit longer about how rare it is to truly have a best friend.

Short Story #2:

A dear friend of mine has gone through some emotionally tough times recently. She is an extremely special woman who has come further than anyone who meets her would ever guess. She truly is one in a million.

She now faces an extremely trying burden that she must shoulder almost alone. I do my best to allow her the emotional freedom to do what she must, but she still sometimes needs me to do nothing but hold the phone, so that my presence is there while she tries to sleep.

Now, although she has been edgy most of the years I’ve known her, and definitely a pain in the butt, she’s come a long way even in that. She’s been like a member of the family, even at her most difficult. But because I love her, she knows she gets away with things no one has before or probably ever will. And in that, she knows she has my love.

How do these stories relate to each other?

Well… you can’t have a best friend, mate or lover without the tumultuous times. Sometimes, the last thing we want to hear is the crap spewing out of the mouths of the people around us. Sometimes, we just want to be consumed with ourselves.

But you know what, after hanging up from two of the most important people in my life, I realized how lucky you are if you can find someone to put up with your shit and still want you. It makes me realize that if I’m putting up with all their crap, what in the world must they be putting up with from me???

So ladies and gentlemen, enjoy the weekend and give thanks. The people that truly care in our lives are rare. Respect them. Compromise when it’s reasonable. And don’t forget the blessings you have been lucky to receive, even if for a short time. Sometimes, just having them for a moment is a gift that lasts a lifetime.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

Am I playing dating game?

Dear You,

I meant to write you this letter a long time ago. I know we both love and hate each other. First, I was not ready then it was you. This letter is not about blaming you. The intent of the letter is to let you know how I am feeling. I know probably you are shaking your head and thinking “ Here we go!!! She is talking and it is all about her”

I am also not trying to play dating games here as you always say.

I am aware that I am not good considering your feelings. But haven’t I made progress on this? You know at least I tried. I am trying my best, sometimes even more than best. But I am scared that I am loosing myself in between. I was in relationship where I gave up who I was. And it ended up taking more than 6-7 years of my life. It took me a long time to be me again. It lowered my self-esteem and took me place where I shouldn’t have been at the first place.

Do you know why I loved you? I loved you because you knew where low self-esteem took me but you stick beside me. You hold my hand & walked with me. You taught me things that I would have not learned by myself. You showed me how to love myself and respect myself. You have changed my life the day you stepped in. I can tell with certainty that I am a different person today than I was before.

But…

You even didn’t think your words would hurt me as much, did you? It took a long time for me to get comfortable with you. It took longer than I thought it would take my heart to warm up and extend wings of my soul so it can be a guardian of your feelings. In meanwhile you called me a person who plays dating games? You kept telling me you were not sure if I was tired of dating games or ready to give up my dating games. I've never played any dating games with you or with anybody else.

It took me really a long time to value you. It took me a long time to realize you are made out of a different material than I was used to. I took me a long time not to scale you in the same way I was scaling everybody.

Boy, wasn’t I wrong? I thought you are special and a person who truly loved me. You insulted me with your words the way I was not insulted before. I feel like you grabbed my heart and dragged over the rough stones and mud. My heart is bruised, it is in pain. But my mind keeps telling me I will be able to put all these behind and move forward.

What is in your mind?

With luv,
Tired of dating games
No_the_game

Dear readership I would like to ask you to respond this letter as if it was written to you.

LOVE ON A DISTANT ROAD

When someone goes away, it’s hard. Distance is often a tremendous drain on relationships. Personally, I’m not a fan of long-distance relationships, I’ve been there before and the results have been terrible.

But physical distance is one thing, and growing apart is another. There’s nothing worse than growing more distant from someone: emotionally, professionally, mentally, spiritually, intellectually…or any other life changing ascensions that can distance you from another person.

There’s no sense in holding a candle for someone who will never need that light to return to you. I’ve often heard that: “Life is what happens while you’re planning for it.” All I need to do is think of all the unintended and unpredictable happenings in my life to know that mapping out reality in our own terms isn’t always as successful as we hope.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… often we choose to avoid dealing with the practical circumstances of our relationships. You know, that whole elephant in the living-room thing. Maybe it’s because our hearts lead us in directions our bodies sometimes should not go. Our hearts sometimes prevent us from saying goodbye because we want to hold on and try to mend the cracks we see in a failed relationship. While it’s possible to work on problems, if the problems are at the core of the person, it’s time to say goodbye.

There’s nothing worse than growing close to someone who is almost perfect. Now, obviously, the concept of perfection in a mate is a bit of a fantasy, but I’ll share ONE my definitions of perfection in a mate:

PERFECT: A person who shares, believes, practices and accepts the core fundamental values to your life, and holds those higher than personal pride.

Personally, I’ve seen problems arise in my relationships when I’ve been unsure about what my core fundamental values are. What are the non-negotiable in your life? And do you understand why those things are non-negotiable to you?

I took me a while to start understanding the difference between a fundamental core quality and some of the nice things I like about a woman that makes me happy. For instance, one of my fundamental non-negotiable is a person that is reasonable. We all carry with us remnants of anger we’ll held onto along the way, but as we get older, it’s important to realize that some pain must simply be released. It’s unhealthy to hold onto it like a child holds a comfort blanket.

My question is this: When did you learn that ALMOST perfect was far from it, or not good enough? How long did it take you to get over it?

Peace and love,

Tired of Dating Games
nosthegametoo

A couple days ago around 6:59 pm Earth shattered for me. I felt as if massive water washed soil under my feet. Yeah, my feet were sweating, my hands were getting cold, my heart started racing. Honestly, time stopped for me for a second.

I was about to go to the gym when all these madness took place. If you wonder whether I got to the gym that day, I did not. I don’t know how you all would deal with STRESS but for me running would take care off it. Not this time!!! I even did not have any energy to think. I felt like I am pleading for my life.

I could do only one thing: Put shoes on and go out to walk. It took me more than 20 minutes to realize I was not wearing socks and had no jacket on. It was 38F in Chicago. Suddenly I realized my head was down and I was bending a bit over as if I wanted to hide.

I was wondering if I would be able to communicate my feelings to people who care about me. All of the sudden communicating felt hard to do. All of the sudden emptiness of my heart left me wordless.

I picked the phone and dialed while my hands were shaken “Hello it is me and I need to have you here with me now.” 30 min later person showed up. While holding hands I told the reason why I needed to be with someone at that moment. All of the facial expression froze a minute then silence took its place. Then we have decided to hit one of the neighborhood bars.

Conversations were carefully designed such a way it was not dumping more emptiness in my heart. I felt all the love in the world to share my feelings. While music was playing on the background our conversation was dancing around the topics we supposed to talk.

I was wondering how on the world I take people in my life for granted. I also learned very valuable lesson from that day. I learned how to be less selfish and shut the hell up when talking is not necessary.

Needless to say, I almost question of my existence in the world. I have learned more from that Earth shattering day than my entire life. 23rd of October made me realized what matters most in life. Have you ever had the moment where the entire your life is animate in front of your eyes? Yes I could see entire my life in black and white movie. I became very judgmental of me. What have I done to myself? What can I do to correct it or what can I do right in the future.

I also realized how lonely I am in life. I felt the emptiness in my life because I do not have anybody for sure in my life that I can claim with certainty. I was questioning the essence of love. What is love anyways? I wonder if all of us have our own definition of love.

What is your definition of love? What kind of relationship advice would you give if somebody would come to you and ask WHAT IS LOVE?

With Luv,

Tired of dating game
No_the_game

IN THE BEGINNING…

It seems to me that beginnings and endings are some of the toughest parts of life we can endure. Maybe it’s the uncertainly that makes them difficult to digest, or maybe it’s the other elements of the human condition that beginnings and endings provoke, like Pride. For instance, take the movie Cocktail. The entire movie is about pride. From foolish pride, to stupid pride, I feel like the movie tells a nice little story about how our beginnings and endings can be manipulated by pride.

In the movie, Brian Flanagan (Tom Cruise), after being treated like a one-eyed whipping boy by his ultra wealthy super high-class middle-aged mommy dearest, finally wises up and puts an end to his puppy-dog status. In response, she pleads with him to reconsider ending their relationship, and says, “Please. I don’t wanna end it this way.” To which he replies, “Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn’t end.”

Looking back on the end of more than one relationship, it’s kind of hard to say that things end well. That doesn’t mean that things can’t end amicably and in a civil manner (or as “friends”), but when all is said and done, the relationship is still over. Now, another relationship may take its place, either with that same person or with someone else, but the bottom line is that the relationship that once was is gone forever.

I know we all learn from this, and we learn from that. And I also recognize all that other jazz about how each failed relationship teaches us something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm not talking about life lessons, I'm talking about dealing with beginnings and endings.

My question is this: Is it important to recognize when an ending is an ending? Does that mean we should celebrate the promise of new beginnings more often when we have them? Do we know the difference between the beginning and the end? Does it matter?

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… it’s a painful truth that all relationships will end. We are parted from our friend and loved ones by distance, or time, possibly hurt feelings, maybe even growing apart or eventually death. To me, these are not necessarily reasons for great sadness, because they are normal and predictable aspects of life.

All of this comes to mind because I’ve been thinking a lot about beginnings and endings lately. For instance, over the course of the last few weeks, I’ve lost one family member connected to me by marriage, and gained a wonderful new family member through marriage. Maybe it’s because both events happened over the same weekend that makes me think so much about beginnings and endings.

When we deal with each other, especially with our mates, we are constantly experiencing beginnings and endings. Sometimes to the relationship itself, and other times we may just experience the beginning or ending of an aspect of that relationship. Sometimes it’s scary. Great changes in life and in our interactions often stretch us to the breaking point. But I always take comfort and solace in knowing that all of us are far more durable than we may think, and we don’t break so easy.

But on the other hand, it’s important to give thanks to those people who help make our lives a bit easier to live. Life is fragile. One morning you’re laughing and joking with your mate over the coffee you share every uneventful morning, and the next moment you can receive a phone call from the authorities telling you your mate will not survive the night so you better come quickly.

The small things hurt us so greatly. Sometimes seemingly insignificant details can corrupt trust. Sometimes selfish behavior can break someone’s heart. Sometimes taking care of our own selfish needs places those around us at great risk.

But it’s also important to remember that the small things in life must be outweighed by the fundamentals. Can a marriage survive infidelity? Maybe. Can a relationship survive distrust? Maybe. Can we live on after we lose a loved one. Yes, we can.

A few days ago, I walked down to Lake Michigan before sunrise to take some pictures and also capture a private moment for myself. Watching the sun rise over the lake brought back memories of some of the best and worst times in my life.

But you know what? I can’t help but smile. I’m still here. And I’m lucky enough to have almost all of my loved ones still in this life with me. When I put things in that context, the small things don’t seem so important.

Here’s to the saddest endings, and the sweetest beginnings.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

RELUCTANT TRICKSTERS IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING

“The character of Iago…belongs to a class of characters common to Shakespeare, and at the same time peculiar to him – namely, that of great intellectual activity, accompanied with a total want of moral principle, and therefore displaying itself at the constant expense of others, and seeking to confound the practical distinctions of right and wrong, by referring them to some overstrained standard of speculative refinement.”

–William Hazlitt

Now, truth be told, when I actually had to read Shakespeare, I sure as hell wasn’t all that interested in what the guy had to say. But I have to be honest, there’s a reason why his characters are so timeless and we still study them today. I suppose as I get older and read books I should have read when they were assigned, I’m finally starting to understand why I should have read them in high school.

If you haven’t had the chance to read Othello, I recommend it. I’ll bet all of us know someone like Iago, even if they’re not nearly as smart. But if you don’t have time for all that, pick up one of the more recent movie adaptations, like the one starring Lawrence Fishburne of Matrix fame. It’s not bad.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… they say “misery loves company”, and you know what, I think that’s pretty true. I’m sure we all know that person or persons who is/are perpetually negative or always trying to find the worst in everything. What a drag!

How are you supposed to take the advice of someone who is constantly finding evil in everything? Answer: you seek a second opinion, maybe even a third or fourth.

But what of the people who have this disposition and mask their negativity with smiles, sweet-talk, and a “non-judgmental” approach to life?

Without ruining the story of Othello, Iago, one of the main characters, is about as manipulative as they come. Lies, deceit and maneuvering people is his game, and he’s damn good at it.

All of this comes to mind because of a conversation I recently had with a friend. My friend is having some serious doubts as to whether or not he’s found the right woman. She’s displaying signs of being overly demanding, ungrateful and downright childish. Personally, I’m starting to have my own doubts, but hey, I care too much to stick my nose in his business (even when he asks me to), so I just listen.

I don’t know what motivates dishonesty. What I try to do is look at myself and see when I’ve mislead those around me. Sometimes my own motives aren’t as crystal clear as I’d like. Maybe after a while it becomes a defense mechanism? I mean, if you practice being untrustworthy, I’m sure you’ll take to it like a fish to water soon enough.

I suppose my thought is this: if you know you have trouble trusting people, why lie and say you’re ready when you’re not? When you’re aware of something, and you mislead, deliberately omit, or outright lie, you’re doing a terrible disservice to yourself and your mate. It’s not a good quality.

It sucks to lose someone because you’re not ready. I’m sure by the time we reach adulthood the vast majority of us have lost someone to foolishness, or been the primary facilitator of the end of a perfectly good relationship. Or if that’s not the case, perhaps you’ve been the recipient.

The most egregious manipulations and lies come from the sweetest people; the nicest people we never suspect. It’s disturbing to know that people believe the truth makes them vulnerable. Perhaps that’s why we say “yes” when we mean “no”; or why we say “I love you”, when we only mean “I care”; or why we say “I’m fine” when it’s obvious we are not.

Games are silly. The games we play and don’t even know we are playing are destructive. But the worst games are the ones we play when we know we’re in the wrong. And by early adulthood, we all know manipulation, in all its harsh and soft forms, is not cool. I mean, who wants to be manipulated?

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

Note: The following post pertains to patterns of behavior over extended periods of time, not simply instances of indescretion here and there.

ARE WE WHO WE THINK WE ARE?

Seems like everyone’s favorite mantra seems to be: “I am what I am”. Even Allen Iverson got into the mix with a shoe campaign using the same slogan. But my question is this: If we are so quick to accept that we are what we are, how are we so sure that we KNOW what we are?

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of one another?

Well… seems like everyone wants respect without judgment. It’s always, “don’t judge me”, but “please judge me a good person”. To me, it doesn’t seem like that’s all too possible. Especially when you consider that the people around you have to JUDGE you as respectable for you to be respectable. Honesty, respectability, truthworthiness... these are not attributes we give to ourselves, they are things that others attribute to us through their JUDGMENTS. Or maybe we believe that people should only JUDGE us positively, never anything unflattering, even if it’s true.

To me, the rationalizations that people come up with are sometimes amazing. Sometimes, we even come up with our own redefinitions of words and phrases that are quite clear.

I was once told by an older and wiser man that people have to convince themselves that their lies are true in order to do some of the more reprehensible things they do. From infidelity to unreliability, doesn’t your partner always have an excuse?

DON'T WE ALL USE THESE EXCUSES???

It takes a cold hard look at yourself to go through the pain of making yourself more transparent. But first, we have to go through the pain of letting go of the lies we tell ourselves.

Do you lie, but don’t consider yourself a liar?

Do you deceive, but don’t consider yourself deceptive?

Do you cheat, but don’t consider yourself to be a cheater?

Do you whine, but don’t consider yourself a whiner?

Do you argue, but don’t consider yourself argumentative?

Some people say that “perception is reality”. I doubt it. Reality is reality. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you “consider” reality to be. Cheating, deception, lies… if these are part of your dealings with others, then hate to break it to you, but you’re a cheater, a liar and a deceiver. And last time I checked, these weren’t good qualities in a mate.

The choice is clear and obvious: Choose truth or lies in your relationship. And yeah, it’s just that simple if you make it that way. Generally, you can work out almost every problem under the sun with your mate. But once you think of them as unworthy of trust, that’s when the REAL problems begin.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

A Private War

“I’m crying everyone’s tears. And there inside our private war, I died the night before.”

Sade, “King of Sorrow”

I must admit that Sade has an amazing and uncanny ability to sing words and emotions straight from my heart. Honestly, she really resonates with me.

I was listenting to the song, "King of Sorrow" and it made me think of relationships. I suppose the above lyrics must have really caught me at the moment. Guess I've been thinking about the private wars that we all struggle with in terms of our relationships.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… I had the great and unexpected pleasure of seeing one of my two best friends this weekend. We’ve been through a lot together. You know, it’s difficult to explain to someone what it’s like to have a BEST-FRIEND especially if they’ve never had the experience. When you’ve grown up with someone, and been close with them upwards of 15+ years, you understand parts of each other that sometimes surprise one another.

The occasion that brought him to town was a wedding. His girlfriend’s close college friend will be getting married.

I was excited not only to see him, but to see his girlfriend. Both of my family and his family are close, and our respective opinions carry weight with one another. He was eager to find out my opinion of the woman he had been dating a year. The verdict: Solid.

Now, that may not be a resounding endorsement, but I have a reason for my reluctance. These are two individuals are from two ENTIRELY different belief systems in both religous and cultural terms. Now, I know there are people out there who are in the “just as long as you love each other” camp, but I’m not sure that’s enough. Reconciling incompatable pieces of your culture with someone elses is not an easy thing to do, and maybe an impossible thing to do if you can't reach common ground.

Personally, I’ve gone through the whole private war thing, in religious and cultural terms, more than once. Honestly, I’d like to forget about it. But the truth is, I always have to ask myself what’s most important to me. Truthfully, I’m not afraid to make judgments, I just wanna make the right ones. Obviously, I'm not of the opinion I need to choose FOR him, or even that I should offer my opinion if it's unsolicited. But, if he asks, I'll be the friend that he was to me when he once warned me about the danger of a relationship I had entered long ago.

My best friend genuinely loves his lady, but what do you do when you can’t reconcile spiritual issues, or cultural ones? Their respective positions on religon and culture are dear to both them, it's not some sort of "who cares" deal, because both of them care dearly.

Damn, it’s something to wonder about. Suppose it's just one of those private wars you have to wadge alone.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

All right !!! Raise Up and Open your ears!!! Here come my thoughts bloggerland!!!

WHEN THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP DISCUSSED and No RESPONSIBILITES WERE TAKEN as GIRL/BOYFRIEND it is called

F U C K E R S H I P.

My co – blogger have never put anything that was this passionate. This topic belled the rings too close to home. He reminded me one of the relationships I used to be in.

I used to date a guy for 5 years. I gave him 110% of me in return he acted out off ordinary one day and withdrew. 6 month later he got married to a normal looking girl. I do not consider myself “the world beauty princess” but I never had anybody to turn around and throw up. Needless to say she was not even close to me. So he got married and moved on so did I.

After him I was so hurt, I have decided not to date to anybody but not exclude sexual life. Without getting into details, those years I meet a few people. Anyhow, all these times I also meet a guy who was hurt almost the same way I was. We become friends and later on much more. I used to tell him things “as is”(sexual life of mine) but once he recommended me not tell him about my FUCK life because it made him to loose respect for me. So, from that point on I was careful of his feelings.

In between we used to talk about how it would be nice to be with each other exclusively. But we would never make to that point because every time one of us would back off. I admitted my own wrongdoings and he sort of admitted his. ( He was not an angel. Because he never told me his side of story that did not mean they were not there)

Brefily to say we were in an OPEN- END relationship. We both knew it. Actually it was him who named our “friends” relationship “AN OPEN-ENDED” relationship. He used to feed me with little piece of info about how he is trying to date. And LORD knows he mastered KEEP IT SECRET shit before anybody else did in the world.

We had our “friendship” for almost 3 years. We never had a problem till the day I told “friend” I wanted to be serious with him, because I developed strong feelings for him and I wanted to give LOVE a try again. I knew this guy years and I truelly appreciated him. He made me a better person for sure.

As soon as he heard my intentions that I wanted to be in a serious relationship he started accusing me and calling me names. He did not exactly call me names but he would describe me as if I was the last street-walker on the streets.

The most fundamental thing he kept forgetting was that he never gave me even a title of GIRL FRIEND or never claimed he was my BOY FRIEND. I was a friend and that was how I was known around his circle. When he accused me, it seemed he forgot that HE used to be O.K with “OPEN-END” fuckership . For some reason he kept forgetting that. He forgot that it was him who used to tell me "I AM EMOTIONALLY HURT and cannot move on." ( I am not trying to be an ANGEL here)

Needless to say he took a huge pride to dirt my name and walk all over my pride and act as if he Just jumped off Jesus Christ's arm.

When we he decided to broke up with me he accused me with the following:

- Cheater and lier


I yet to understand how one can cheat when there is no EXCLUSIVITY or word of GIRL/BOY FRIEND or RESPONSIBLITY discussed or agree on.


I think romantic relationships should be agreed on and discussed. Once it is agreed on then it is a BOND. That was why I brought up EXCLUSIVE relationship to him and that was when all troubles started.


The question I have to all of your guys

1. DO you think ONE SHOULD BE held responsible for a relationship that was not discussed and nobody took responsibility for it or nobody claimed it?
2. DO you think people, who are in I DO NOT WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE or TIED DOWN relationship, deserves to demand RESERVE YOURSELF FOR ME claim?
3. Or blame each other for adultry??????????

IT WILL CONTINUE....

WITH LOVE,

NO_THE_GAME

Note: The following post is focused on the untruths told between partners. The post proceeds under the assumption that we all know we stretch the truth sometime, and nobody is “without sin”.

THE LYING GAME

We all hear about the “Dating Game.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re suppose to play this and play that. We’re supposed to hedge our bets, because there are no guarantees in life, and you don’t wanna be left holding the bag. But tell me… when is the “Dating Game” not a game at all, and just a lie. Should those lies be forgiven?

Do you have to be in a commited relationship to tell the TRUTH? Isn't that a bit sick? Is it ok to be a LIAR (that's someone who tells things that aren't true, you know, someone who lies) because you don't "consider it formal"?

I just wonder why people lie to themselves and others by pretending that as long as you're not FORMALLY commited to a person it's ok for you to LIE and cheat them, and ultimately yourself.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… throughout my dating life, I’ve had some strange experiences. Maybe not any stranger than what everyone else goes through, but strange to me.

Sometimes, I have no idea why people do and say the things they do. For instance, if you are seeing someone and tell them that there is no one else in your life, and they tell you the same, is it “cheating” to have sex with someone(s) else because you don’t wanna give your relationship an “official” title? Is it worse if it's a one-night thing, or is it worse if they're having regluar sex with other people? Is it even worse if that person puts your health at risk (regardless if they care about their own), even after you've let them know that you take your own health serious?? How bout if they keep on doing it behind your back??

I wonder what people’s take on this is. I’m a bit confused. I don’t like semantic games or that whole “well… you never asked” crap. Telling your partner things that aren't true is called LYING, plain and simple. And if you do this, hate to break it to you, but you are a LIAR, you know, someone who lies. No, you're not a "Player", or someone who is "playing the game", you're just a LIAR.

I’m gonna have to give this some more thought, but my question to blogworld is this: Why is LYING a normal part of dating, and why do we tacitly and overtly encourage those around us (friends, buddies and such) to lie, though we call it a "game"?

If possible, please share some of the greatest, most shocking and most pathetic lies you've been told by a parter. Better yet, if possible, please include the LIES a partner "doesn't consider" LIES.

My favorite lie is when others pretend that their bullshit is a matter of unclear semantics, which according to them, you cannot hold them to, even if it's a blatant lie.

Damn, no wonder my father still asks me if I'm dating a "little lady" here in Chicago. Sorry Pops, your son was born under a bad sign. One of these days, I'm gonna find a LOYAL woman.

Oh well...

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

Update Question: If you are the LIAR, do you have the right to play the victim, or pretend to be hurt by the truth????

This article is devoted to the people who are in relationship which does not envolve mind games. If you are in mind games relationship this would not pertain your case.

Enjoy the ride!!!!!!!!!!


I mean DAYUM Baby!!! That is how you do things?


How would you lie to yourself over and over again? DO you think you are the key to my heart? Then astalavista!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will claim I am heatless and I want to move on. Guess what else I can do? I will delete your number off my heart/soul/memory and will never call and answer your phone call. I do not care what the hell is going on in your life unless you show some support or understanding towards my life. Yes I do it just like that. You say I abuse you. Ha what that supposed to mean?

How many times I am going to tell your sorry ASS don’t do certain SHIT because it ticks me off. Yeah it makes me to get on the TV like Beyonce and GO MAD ( I am referring her CD where she is acting out of character as if she is a mad cow which was just release to wildlife ) You know what I am into you but I can pass by you as well.

After couple minutes or hours you settle down and come to your senses. Hold up!!! This is the person I deeply care and I am sure s/he also cares about me. I call you because I do not want to lose you to a moment of anger. I still hope that we can work it our. We can make each other a better person. How can I scratch all that happy times move on just because you act irresponsible, oblivious and with slightly “it-is-payback time” attitude? I thought we were in agreement talk thru everything till we come to conclusion. Then you pick up the phone again and call. S/he talks to you so sweet and becomes so understanding almost makes you feel guilty raising Hurricane or making an ELEPHANT out of an ant.

YES baby!!!!!!!!!! It is called HATE & LOVE relationship. It is very hard to draw a line in Hate & Love relationship but I bet you line is going to be drawn. Will it be drawn for favor or against it will depend. It will be heavily depend on both parties ability to balance dosage of LOVE & HATE. That is the dilemma of all strangled/toxic relationships. One of the classical sign off H&L relationship is both parties can meet each others standards in a half way or some fundamental MUST HAVE match some do not.
The biggest question is that IS a half way ENOUGH for both of you. How long coaching and teaching are you willing to take from each other?


Have you ever known anybody or have you ever been in LOVE & HATE relationship? What is your recommendation?


With love and passion
NO_THE_GAME

APPRECATION: EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED?

By the time we reach adulthood, we should have figured out two things: 1) Words are cheap; 2) Even though words are cheap, they have tremendous value.

Now, that sure seems like a contradiction to me, but I guess it’s one of those absurdities of life we have to deal with. Perhaps relationships aren’t always about finding a perfect match, but more like dancing to the same tune, even if you both have trouble remembering all the words correctly.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… I don’t think know anybody who doesn’t revel in being appreciated. I mean, come on, who wants to think of themselves as irrelevant. But it’s not a one-way street. The truth is: appreciation without expression is not appreciation.

The man in the dictionary tells me that Appreciation is: “Recognition of the quality, value, significance, or magnitude of people and things.” That makes sense to me. So I have to wonder, do I express my appreciation to those who have earned it? The answer, quite sadly, is not as often as they have earned it.

In my experience, I’ve found that expressing appreciation is very big when dealing with women. I’ve seen other men try to purchase tokens of appreciation. I’ve seen women solicited material and emotional appreciation they haven’t earned. And I’m sure we’ve all seen variations of expressing and soliciting appreciation from our own unique perspectives.

But the question remains: How do you choose to recognize the significance of your mate?

It’s so easy to be selfish. It’s so easy to be thoughtless. It’s so easy to play the perennial victim because “I’ve been hurt in the past,” and all that crap. But the truth is, we can’t maintain a functioning relationship with our current partner if we are penalizing them for some loser WE OURSELVES choose in the past. Caution is paramount in life, but timidity and non-action can be just as detrimental as any other poor choice.

I wish I could say I’m sorry for all the times I forgot to tell my partner how special they are. But I can’t go back. However, I can go forward. It takes time, but I’m working on it.

But I have to ask: Is it just me, or does anyone else see that they need to do a better job of letting the important people know how special they really are?

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

It has been a year since nosthegametoo and I start blogging.

What a wonderful year: full of joy, personal and professional changes , sharing love, hate, and concerns.
I want to thank everybody who checks our blog regularly and shares opinion.
I also want to thank everybody who just checks the blog and moves on. You are appreciated more than you would ever imagine.

What a year!!!!

Blog world opened my eyes to the things I would never would have heard off or learned by myself.

Blog introduced me to people who became my support system when I was unemployed. You guys just came to tell me “Hang in there!! U will be just fine.” Many years to come I will think about you guys when I will relive the memories of last year.

Thank you very much for being part of our lives and sharing your love and wisdom. And last but not the least stay tuned for the better analysis of love relationships.


With Love,
No_the_Game

Additional Note: Thank you for helping us to keep our interest in this blog for an entire year. I am appreciative to all of our wonderful blog-readers for contributing and sharing your perspectives on the way people relate to each other. All of your comments and e-mails are always greatly valued and appreciated.

Peace and Love to you all,

nosthegametoo

HAVE A LITTLE FAITH

Recently, I attended a bachelor party held for a guy I knew from years ago. The event was supposed to be extravagant. The host flew in from overseas to organize it here in Chicago. Personally, I wasn’t particularly excited. This guy wasn’t a real friend of mine, and I’m not a fan of the host, in the least. In fact, I predicted the host would come here in a thinly veiled and vulgar attempt at self-aggrandizement; it was a plain and predictable consequence of his financially successful year overseas. He did not disappoint.

While the bachelor party was terrible, it was great to see my best friend. He came in town because the future groom is a former close friend (or rather jealous friend) of his who fortunately has drifted from him in recent years. He stayed with me, and as individuals, we actually had a great time. Then again, no matter where we are on the planet, we're gonna have a good time.

The party itself was a different story. The host was an ass all night long. I must admit, I do feel a bit sorry for the future groom. That was THE worst send-off a guy could have. But hey, when you rely on a Little Big Man to organize your bachelor party, mostly in his own honor, that’s what you get.

No wonder I skipped all the events for Friday and Sunday, and most of Saturday’s.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… in my experience, women are not all that fond of The Stag Party. At least the women I know. That might be with good reason, but based on my experience at these things, the future groom usually doesn’t cross that line from raunchy fun to actually doing something he should regret. And if he has TRUE friends, they keep an eye on him.

But then again, it’s still kind of hard for some women to handle. I guess the same can be said for men. I’m not all too enthusiastic about the prospect of an erect penis gyrating in my lady’s face… or worse.

Yup, I can do without that.

But come on, these things are suppose to be “Send-Offs”. The truth is there’s nothing that happens at a bachelor party that can’t happen on a business trip, a day off work or a night out with some mischievous buddies. We have to have faith in our partners. Otherwise, the relationship is doomed anyway.

For instance, my best friend has a wonderful wife. She is definitely a sweetheart. But she spent far too much time worrying over nothing when it came to him attending a bachelor party. She was greatly concerned he would do two things she deems outrageous:

1) Sex/A sexual act with another woman.

2) Smoking cigarettes (yeah, she puts smoking almost on the same level).

Neither of these things happened. She worried and worried over absolutely nothing. I’ll bet she didn’t sleep a wink that night. I hate to think that she troubled herself over nothing. It's bad for her piece of mind, and it's bad for his.

I though it was a bit excessive, so I talked to a woman who knows me well. She agreed with me that the concerns of my friend's wife were unfounded... at first. Then, she abruptly began interrogating me about the party. She tried to be nice about it, but her curiosity was too much. I laughed a bit, because I realized she had the same concerns. She was actually concerned about what we were doing at the party. I was a bit surprised.

I suppose my question is this: Ladies, how much do you REALLY worry about bachelor parties? And if you have concerns, why are you fooling with a guy like that in the first place?

Perhaps it’s fear of the unknown, but generally, a bachelor party is only a reflection of the guys there. If your man is shady, then he’ll most likely be shady during the party, after the party, and after you break up too. If your man isn’t, then the chances are heavily in his favor that he won't become a shady dude. But hey, nothing is guaranteed, and I can’t speak for what ALL men do.

But now that I think about it… I’ve never been to a bachelorette party. What’s goes on at those things??? Maybe I should find out.

Time to break out the trench-coat and funny glasses.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

Note: The following post is about men, women and relationships, please do not get side-tracked by any political sensibilities due to the opening material.

MAKING PEACE, PART I:
DICTATING THE PEACE

World War I formally ended in 1919 with the signing of the Peace Treaty of Versailles. After the Allies defeated the Axis powers, the world was more than sick of war. Legions of innocent millions died in the tragic events of World War I. Humanity even witnessed the use of chemical weapons as an unpredictable tool of war.

As the Axis powers, lead by Germany, learned painful lessons about losing a modern international conflict, the Allied powers learned very important lessons about the burdens of peace-making.

In hindsight, Winston Churchill, in Volume 1, “The Gathering Storm,” of his Six Volume account of World War II, “The Second World War,” in reference to the terms of the Peace Treaty of Versailles, explained:

The economic clauses of the Treaty were malignant and silly to an extent that made them obviously futile. Germany was condemned to pay reparations on a fabulous scale. These dictates gave expression to the anger of the victors, and to the failure of their peoples to understand that no defeated nation or community can ever pay tribute on a scale which would meet the cost of modern war.

Over the course of the two decades that followed the end of World War I, a humiliated German people looking to recapture their dignity and rebuild their economy under impossible economic constraints, and legendary Hyper-Inflation, found themselves seduced, spell-bound and smothered under the crushing boot of the Nazi regime.

In retrospect, many historians have attributed the demands of the Peace Treaty as creating fertile ground for Nazi radicalism.

All of this comes to mind because of a conversation I remember having with my father. He once told me: “Son… you never take a man’s dignity. You always leave enough change on the table for him to catch a cab home. You don’t need to have life-long enemies.”

Although I try to life my life by those words, even when I’m angry, I still find that I’m a work in progress.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… It’s important to understand how we make peace in our lives. Sometimes, the conditions we set to make our world safer and happier have unintended consequences that do just the opposite.

I find that sometimes, people use “being hurt” as an excuse to poison or attempt to control/put constraints on future relationships. Some costs are too burdensome to demand, even if there are reasonable explanations for the demands; and even if that hurt was so bad that it left your world burnt to the ground.

After being hurt, sometimes we are seduced into the “Independent” fantasy. Though a good deal of personal autonomy, and a healthy sense of self-interest, is a good thing, there is no real “Independent” person. We all need each other in some way. The goal of being TOTALLY INDEPENDENT is a self-defeating goal, life is about cooperation.

In relationships between people, unilateral demands and attempts at control will only last for so long before they foment resentment and anger; and soon, in some way, that anger will find its expression in actions, either passively or actively. And those actions are sometimes more destructive than we could predict.

The pain of World War I caused the Allied powers to impose constraints that were untenable in the name of Peace and safety. In relationship terms, after we’ve been hurt, we can sometimes impose conditions on future relationships that are neither viable nor practical.

For instance, I have once or twice had the unfortunate displeasure of being the recipient of the past pain of a young lady or two who believed that since she had been hurt in the past, the way to prevent pain was to be in “control.” So unfortunate. In life, we prepare ourselves to deal with as many foreseeable eventualities as possible, we control very little. Vowing to never be vulnerable is not the Golden Bullet many of us may assume it might be.

When I think to myself, I wonder if I have made demands upon women I have dated based in past hurt. I wonder if in my attempts to be my own peace-maker in my relationship-world, that I have made impossible demands.

Mercilessness, in any relationship, has unintended consequences that are far from foreseeable. The people with whom we deal (the same goes when we are the offending party), who trespass against us, be they a former partner or a current one, have to atone for their actions when they have done wrong. But no matter what they have done, if the choice is to continue a relationship, the burden placed upon them cannot be impractical; they cannot be asked to pay for their indiscretions or violations in perpetuity.

Now, I’m not advocating a position that would let someone walk all over you. What I’m asking is whether or not we understand the way we choose to make peace in our lives. Sometimes, our attempts at peace, lead us into greater peril than we imagined.

Bottom line: Of course it’s possible to gain great strength from defeat. But truth be told, I wonder if we really understand the impact of our well-intentioned efforts at protecting ourselves through peace-making, and more importantly, their unintended consequences.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

Note: Due to the fact that I have no children, the following post does not even attempt to account for relationships where children are involved.

A HAUNTED HOUSE

I’m not completely sure if I believe in ghosts. I mean, once, some years back, I had an experience that really moved me. I can’t forget it. But that’s in the literal sense.

Figuratively speaking, we all deal with ghosts. There are people who were once in our lives who are no longer with us. There are loved ones who have gone beyond the living world. There are friends who have fallen out of touch, some due to conflict, others due to the failure to maintain a proper relationship. And there are past loves that are no longer there.

Ultimately, these ghosts are much like living memories that sometimes haunt us and our relationships.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… As time goes on, I see more and more that relationships are absolute. They either exist, or they do not. While we may sometimes use various euphemisms to denigrate and qualify the definitions of our conflicting conceptions of a "Relationship," it's important to remember that we are even in a relationship with that "Buddy," we see off and on. Perhaps it's a mind game to try and justify abusing others, or an attempt to keep from offending our own dignity. Who knows the true motivation? These days, I'm trying to organize life in a manner that is a bit more simple.

Only the nature of relationships vary, not whether they exist. There’s good ones and bad ones… weak ones and strong ones… superficial ones and spiritual ones… loving ones and hateful ones… life-long ones and good ol' one-nighters, but they are ALL relationships.

Letting go of the past is tough, we all know that. But come on, that old ghost of a girlfriend/boyfriend (or person briefly dated) we are tempted to hold on to probably isn’t going to be there in 15 years (maybe not even in 2), especially after family, children and life take root. But a true friend or mate, who is part of your life and has a future, will certainly be there if humanly possible.

So what of ghosts? What of the memories that permeate through our lives of people, places and things, long after the events/people that created them have now passed into the distance?

I wholeheartedly recognize that there are some serious realities to accept. I mean, come on, it’s unreasonable to think that our mates, friends or loved ones have no ghosts. For instance, the mother of a friend of mine had a boyfriend murdered by organized criminals. His memory is still there, though he has been dead for decades, and she has been married for over 30 years. His ghost is still with her.

I don’t have a problem with the existence of ghosts. What I have a problem with are “GHOSTS” who come back from the dead. Unless the Messiah has come, then spirits that have passed-on, should remain passed-on. Ghosts interfere with the business of the living. And relationships, like life, should be centered in the living and the current, not memories and fantasies. Clinging to these destructive apparitions is often founded in a false sense of security and a fear of being alone or unwanted. These feelings can allow us to create situations that allow ghosts to appear.

There are other tough realities to accept as well. Some ghosts are more unreasonable than others. I don’t think it’s reasonable to maintain ties to old lovers, especially when those ties are still strong. Life has to have purpose. And sometimes, we have to ask ourselves: WHAT IS THE PURPOSE? I have my doubts that “feelings” or “just friends” or possibly that worn-out “been through SOOOOO much” excuse, are adequate explanations to stay connected to a ghost.

Ghosts do funny things to people. Sometimes they make people feel safe, like an angel. Sometimes they are just restless souls who have not been allowed to fade into the past. Sometimes they represent a hope for something that can never be. Either way, I think they are MOST problematic when we hide them. Because when we act alone, and in secret maintain ties to the past, ghosts can push us to do things we later regret, or maybe even place us in situations that cannot be healed.

Have I hidden a ghost before… yes. Have I found that ghosts were hidden from me… yes. Was there always an excuse as to why there was a need to maintain these useless ties… HELL YEAH there was, and plenty of them. Should there be any excuse (of course, mine included) for not disclosing that kind of information… HELL NO!!!

My best friend’s mother is a brilliant psychologist. I still call for free advice when my heart is heavy. She once told me that when you hide things from those you love the most and know you the best, you often do it when you’re afraid of the truth. This couldn’t be more true when you hide secret ghosts who haven’t really vanished.

Relationships require sacrifice. That’s obviously not a one-way street. Both people have to endure the pain of severing ties with ghosts. There is nothing unreasonable about that sacrifice. It's tough to not be selfish by clinging to a past safety-net. Relationships are often like walking a tightrope. And sometimes, you have to work without a safety-net. It’s hard, because nothing is promised. But there are things we can do to cut down on the risk. Most notably, practicing physically and emotionally healthy habits.

WHY MAINTAIN A DOOMED RELATIONSHIP WITH A GHOST?

Why damn a potential future, with a broken past? Fear? Loneliness? Selfishness? Manipulation? Inability to move forward? Want to eat your cake, and as much cake as you want to eat too? User of people? Foolishness?

If those relationships weren’t meant to end, they wouldn’t have. Perhaps sometimes, we are not as ready to move forward as we think.

Bottom Line: Let the sleeping rest. Life is for the living.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

Since the last posting I have changed jobs and had a surgery. I am almost recovered. Besides thanking all of royal readers and my co blogger, I actually have something to talk about: Falling in and off of love.

During my recovery I had enough time to rule a lot of things out of my life, such as keeping in touch with people who had or have nothing but a negative impact in my life.

Then I had time to think about my love life. How many times I felt in love for wrong reasons?! I felt in love with the person whom I could identify with, most of the time if they had a rough life then I was hooked. Not a good reason to fall in love. What’s even worse, I felt in love with the image of the person I created in my mind.

I also realized I have being used as an old pair of jeans. I also had my own share of using others. Disgusting , horrible isn’t it? I sort of set the hurt a side with the feeling that I have used others more than enough. Knowing what I know now I can tell that is not a healthy way of dealing with life.

My first love left me emotionally bankrupt with some good and bad memories.
My second love left me with a couple of thousand dollars short and emotionally strong. I will give him a credit. Although, he knew I would give up everything to please him and have him in my life, he did not abuse my love. He did not do anything to check if I was emotionally O.K He taught me how to help a person to fall off love. Very clever and witty way , I should admit. Wait a minute I should give myself kudos for learning my lesson.

And here is another guy I started as “a friend”, lets try to see if it will work kind a deal. My so-called “friend ” relationship really developed to a strong emotional support system & bond. It also helped me to find out weaknesses in my personality. This person became somebody I actually would listen to. (It is a huge deal for me. I am exteremly an independent person I do not listen) Sometimes I would act as if I am not listening but I would take all his criticisms and advise. I slowly but surely implement-ed/ing most of them. He is somebody I want to have in my life one form or another.

Needless to say, recently (maybe a last couple of month) I start to realize I did not fall in love with him the way I felt in love before. In my own way I let him know. That is when things got complicated. As soon as I wanted to have more out of so-called “friendship” relationship it became less conversational and duller. Nowadays a lot of our conversations starts with conditional clause. I am gonna do this if you did that. Oh, you are selfish, you are not pleasing me. I am not going to play your games.

Games???? I asked myself several times. What are they? All my desire to be pleased, pampered, romanticism, extra attention, now has being called GAMES. Now there is a new behavior popped up. My phone calls are not answered or not returned timely fashion. All of the sudden he stated spending time with "his boys."

I am no angel by any standards but I am older now. I understand a lot of things. There are a lot to be altered in my behavior and he has to alter some of his. Then this “a friend ” relationship might work.

One thing scares crap out of me though. In my first love I altered a lot of my behavior and it lead nowhere. After my first relationship I had this slogan : If I have to give up who I am to retain relationship it is not worse it because stake is too high.

Now I have the same dilemma and indication of having the same results.

Question of the day is how do you fell off love ? How did that happen? What would you recommend me to do?

Thank you so much for reading!!!!!!

Love,

No_the_Game

FREEDOM, DEVELOPMENT & REALITY,
PART I

NOTE: Remember, this posting is about men, women and relationships. Please, don’t get side-tracked with the opening material, or your economic sensibilities.

In 1998, Amartya Sen won the Nobel Prize in Economic Science. He was awarded the prize for his contributions to “Welfare Economics” and “Human Development,” among other notable accomplishments. Professor Sen has been recognized the world over for his fresh thinking in the field of Economics. He has taught at the London School of Economics and Harvard University, among other prestigious institutions.

I find Professor Sen’s positions on the importance of “Freedoms” in “Development” extremely interesting. Professor Sen has argued that “freedoms are not only the primary ends of development, they are also its principal means.” Now, he is far from the first to promulgate this position, but he is among its most eloquent spokesmen.

Underlying his argument are the roles of various “Un-Freedoms” in restricting both development and Freedom. Among what he describes as an “Un-Freedom,” are those things that hinder development, including but not limited to the: freedom from premature death due to preventable disease, freedom from abject poverty, freedom from political/economic coercion, freedom to earn a basic and adequate primary education, and so on.

This of course made me think of the nature of Freedom and development in a relationship. I mean, what are the things that prevent us from effectively developing a relationship? Do we understand the role of Freedom in a relationship? I mean, maybe most people, myself included, have misunderstood the role of individual Freedom as a means to developing a relationship.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… it seems to me that many of us may be misunderstanding the concept of Freedom, as it pertains to developing a relationship. Individualism is a good thing, but is complete independence the most important thing to bring to a relationship? It makes me wonder if sticking out your chest, bursting with pride, because you’re independent, is part of being Free in a relationship.

It’s not unusual for people to take pride in their independence, but my question is whether or not it is the MOST important position to occupy. If your goal is to be able to tell your partner at the drop of a hat “screw you, I’m independent, and no one can control me or tell me what to do,” you’re probably in big trouble. Life is about relationships. Being alone doesn't work as well as some of us might imagine. People need each other. Men and Women need each other. Friends need each other. While this makes us more vulnerable, it also gives us tremendous strength when we are together.

What comes to mind is a conversation I recently had with my mother. She recently told me that she had dinner with a friend of hers who had what might be considered a whirlwind younger life through her 40's. She was unlike any of the women "Back Home" at that time. She was both as unrestricted and as independent as anyone could be. A career, several graduate degrees, and a slew of selfish and uncompromising relationships later, she is now in her late-Fifties, and alone. She has plenty of memories of fun times with men (married and otherwise), but when she crawls in bed at night, her independence doesn’t hug her and say: “Baby, I can’t imagine having lived this life without you. Through good times and bad, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.” It took her until almost the age of sixty to figure this out. Being independent and alone wasn't all she thought it was cracked up to be.

The difference between medicine and poison is merely dosage. You can have too much of a good thing. Independence in an important Freedom, but like anything else, it has its boundaries. I mean, after all, we aren't free enough to call yelling FIRE in a crowed theatre acceptable, are we?

Is it possible that independence from our mate doesn’t make us as free as many of us are lead to believe? Maybe like many double-edged swords, it is both a Freedom AND and Un-Freedom.

What about the Freedom to grow old with the wrinkled hand of someone who has put up with your bullshit for 50 years? What about the Freedom from being alone? What about the Freedom to feel and be needed so that we are relevant in our intimate and personal life? Do these Freedoms help free the soul from the debilitating burdens of depression and loneliness, or possibly give us a greater purpose in life?

It’s a lot to think about. I wish I had the answer. I wonder how my parents have made it over 35 years, and counting.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

EROSION:
THE EFFECTS OF THE STORM

“Weathering,” is the natural process by which rock, soil and minerals naturally disintegrate. The key here is that the process is natural, which distinguishes it from Erosion, which is usually associated with wearing down soil due to the movement of rock or the byproducts of the Weathering process.

The key here is that both of these processes diminish what was once solid and tangible. However, one is the result of time and nature, and the other is the result of natural but not inevitable factors. In fact, there are numerous ways to prevent Erosion, and conservationists around the world have made tremendous strides in protecting soil from Erosion.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… when people talk about “weathering the storm” in terms of relationships, I don’t necessarily think of surviving brief or extended tumultuous periods. It should be quite obvious to most of us who have experienced adult relationships that there are times when you can’t stand the sight of your partner. But to me, “Weathering” in terms of relationships, makes me think more of “Erosion,” in terms of nature. And once it’s gone it’s not easy to replenish. Because trust, and emotions in general, are the most fragile parts of any relationship, I think that any effort to replenish them once they have been Eroded is rife with serious deficiencies.

There are so many ways to slowly wear down a relationship I don’t think I could begin to describe them. So I’ll offer an example in two parts. Two very specific relationships come to mind when I think of Erosion.

I had been dating a special little woman off and on for over a year. It was casual, but not really. I suppose it was an attempt to maintain a phony shroud of independence. This was probably due to the fact that both of us had been through traumatic romantic endings; our faith in, let’s say the “goodwill,” of our respective opposite sexes was less than certain, to say the least. But essentially it just wasn’t one of those “causal” relationships, as neither of us was actively dating or seeing other people (At least as far as I know. Though I trust that she didn’t).

I can remember several instances where I cancelled a planned engagement on short notice, or was unprepared in a timely manner. She said to me that over time, this was affecting her opinion of my word. She said that she needed me to be dependable and that canceling on short notice diminished the quality of my word. Now, any cancellation of mine wasn’t anything like two minutes in advance, but it might have been two hours, or a day prior. I can accept her criticism. Although, in my defense, she was ultra-uptight, and these instances were not a common occurrence during our time together. And also, she had a tendency to do the same when it came to leaving the house, rather than meeting for an outside engagement. If she was working or focused on something it was alright for our plans to take a backburner. But either way, over time, my actions had an Eroding effect on her faith in my reliability. Though I think it was a bit excessive and melodramatic (as she tended to be), I made a note of it and I am conscious of it.

Then, there was this lovely young lady I used to date who had a bit of a selfish streak. Well, not a bit, she had trouble considering the thoughts and emotions of others. Ass-kissing is one thing, but a failure to be considerate is the kiss-of-death for a relationship over time. She actually said to me once: “A man’s pleasure should come from pleasing a woman.” Now, I have no problem pleasing a woman (can you hear me tooting my own horn??), but that WAS her idea of intimacy. She believed that any intimacy in the relationship should revolve around her pleasure, in any and every capacity. It was quite demanding.

After a while, I began to feel less and less intimate when I spent time with her. We even began to have contentious episodes over this issue. After each one, I began to realize more and more that she may never understand how she was choosing to degenerate the communication in our relationship into resentful passive-aggressive actions, and how intimacy became a chore. She actually thought it was connected to something physical. I tried to explain it on more than ten occasions, though she would never listen. Because of her upbringing she connected being independent to being defiant, so she was constantly playing outrageous power games. I don't really think she understood that I wasn't playing the same game. She even thought it was cute to mock me when we talked about it and pretend like it was funny. That was a very tough characteristic to deal with, let alone get along with.

Eventually, our physical intimacy suffered dearly. I became less enthusiastic about our romance because I knew that she had no intention of reciprocating any intensity I initiated. Sometimes, she would even go out of her way to avoid any physical pleasure during any form of an intimate moment to deliberately demonstrate her discontent. Funny enough, she really had no idea that by diminishing your partner’s pleasure you inevitably diminish your own. Intimacy is like a dance. One partner can’t just stand still and expect to be whisked around the room all night long.

Ultimately, it’s important to learn to be conscious of the ways that we Erode our relationships. It’s seldom just one partner, but sometimes, one partner is far more culpable than the other. The difficult part is figuring out which one of you is Eroding the relationship. It’s easy to point your finger. But I assure you, sometimes, the problem is YOU. Has the problem been ME before… probably.

My basic question is this: how often do people realize that they are DIRECTLY responsible for diminishing the quality of their relationship? I mean, we all play the victim with our friends and family, but is that always true?

Man, keeping a relationship healthy is no joke. No wonder so many people’s relationships fall apart. That stuff is not easy. Choosing a partner is serious business.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

NOTE: I have so many musical and artistic heroes, I couldn’t begin to name them all, so I’ll only mention one: ALICE COLTRANE (The widow of another musical hero of mine, John Coltrane). If you have the opportunity, check out the album: “Ptah the El Daoud.” One of my all-time favorite songs is “Turiya & Ramakrishna.”

ROMANCE, PT. I
MUSIC

I love music. There’s nothing like music. As a young man, I was obsessed with music. I could ignore the whole world and sink into a music-induced daze. Now that I’m older, and understand the concept of Escapism and how it detracts from practical life, I know this isn’t a proper way to behave. But damn it, I still love music.

I love music that makes me think. I wonder if that makes me a Romantic. According to the man in the dictionary, one definition of a Romantic is someone whose thoughts are, “marked by the imaginative or emotional appeal of what is heroic, adventurous, remote, mysterious, or idealized.” If that’s the case, then music can be extremely Romantic.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… yesterday morning, I ran into a friend and walked with him for a bit. It was nice because I was in a great mood, the sun was shining, and I left home after listening to Prince’s new single, “Black Sweat,” which had me upbeat.

We reminisced about how MTV used to actually play videos and expose people to music (at least popular music). And how it’s now just a janky “reality” station/24 hour commercial, and almost never plays entire videos.

Why isn’t there a show on MTV that showcases up and coming talent from every genre of music at different local venues around the world every week? I don’t know. You tell me.

I guess I’m just dreaming. Although it seems to me that they don’t even give respect to established artists who are no longer under 25 years old, like Prince (a one-time MTV darling), whose last three albums: The Rainbow Children, Musicology, and now 3121, have been entertaining and worthy of popular airplay.

Maybe it’s me, but I sometimes look at popular notions of Romance and music in the same light. Musical taste and artistic taste in general seem to be far less sophisticated than even three decades ago. Similarly, it seems to me that people's basic views on Romance are more crude than some of the most recent previous generations (excluding of course the debachery of Antiquity and the Greaco-Roman era). But maybe it’s just a change in trends. Sometimes these things are generational. I wonder about it though.

Now, I’m not all caught up in the nose-in-the-air connotations connected with the word “sophistication,” or anything like that. By sophistication, I mean an appreciation and understanding of the level of skill, originality, inventiveness, dedication and mastery it takes to produce a piece of music.

Today, it seems that the greatest skill is found seldom in the music itself and more in advertisers and marketers. I must admit, promotion companies are more sophisticated than ever before, and they’re getting even better. Though I’m not sure that’s a compliment to our tastes.

To me, I think Romance can be similar. It takes skill and imagination to be a competent Romantic. I’m a firm believer that Romance can be divested from sexuality. I can think of women I never have and never will touch physically that arouse my spirit, not in a carnally sexual way, but in a loving way. Perhaps that’s why Romanticism is considered impractical; there can be too many contradictions.

I guess the conversation with my friend yesterday morning brought this to mind. My buddy is a cool guy, a true Romantic at heart. That might be one of the reasons he’s a musician. Hell, he carries his guitar around with him everywhere he goes like Linus and his blanket, or maybe Tommy-lee with his groupies.

But here’s the thing…

I wonder if I’m over-thinking this one. I asked him that. We both kind of agreed that sometimes artistic snobbery is at play when people that have art and music obsessions discuss their conception of "Art."

Though I think I have a decent appreciation for music, I wonder if I take time to understand what others are experiencing when they listen music. I wonder if I could learn something from their experiences. Many times, people aren’t listening to music at all, they’re simply gyrating and feeling the back-beats. And if that’s the goal of most popular music, then it’s successful, and worthy of praise.

Hmmm… this is just one of many things I’m not sure of.

All of this vaguely reminds me of Romance, I suppose. I’ve found that most people aren’t really interested in Romance, or practicing it as an art. Most people are just going through the motions, unaware of whether they are genuinely reaching their partner on a challenging level (intellectually challenging as opposed to confrontational).

On a superficial level, I can think of many popular songs that invoke memories; songs that touch me not because they provoke my concept of art, but because they were to soundtracks to important moments in my life.

I'm gonna have to think about this one some more.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

Romantic Memory Note: I could put a million songs on here for a million reasons. But I tried to find a few popish songs that give me genuine and serious emtional memories.

The song “Boulevard of Broken Dreams,” by Green Day, will forever remind of my good friend. I wasn’t surprised to find out that she loved this song. I figured she did. There’s something about the “feel” of this song that reminds me of her. It also reminds her of herself. Weird, how we both knew that before discussing it.

Then, there’s “Cry Together,” by the O’Jays. Apparently, my late Uncle, who passed when I was an infant, loved this song. I think it was playing on the radio when him and my Aunt feel in love, or something to that effect. It reminds my Aunt of him, so she prefers not to hear it. But because of that, I always think of my Aunt when I hear it. And my friends think of me when they hear it, because they know about my Aunt, and that she never remarried.

I love the song “Under the Bridge,” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I met one of band members when I was younger, he was cool. This song also reminds me of one of my best friend. We’ve been through life together since the age of six, there’s a lot behind this song.

I laugh every time I hear “Sweat (A La La La La Long),” by Inner Circle, which reminds me of a vacation my friends and I took south of the border. Ah, the shameful stories I can and will tell at my friends’ weddings. Though I won’t break the Man-code and put it ALL on the table.

There’s “Tuesday’s Gone,” by Lynard Skynard. Aside from my memories of the close relationship I had with my first roommate, this song played before a very important milestone in my life. I can derive a lot of emotion from this song.

And finally, "Ain't No Fun (If My Homies Can't Have None),” by Snoop Doggy Dogg (presently, “Snoop Dogg”). This reminds me of a very close buddy of mine. We have since drifted apart, but this time in my life was fun.

While writing this, I listened to each of these songs, and I smiled a bit, just because they can all still make me feel something.

Ah... nothing like pleasant memories.