5.25.2006


EROSION:
THE EFFECTS OF THE STORM

“Weathering,” is the natural process by which rock, soil and minerals naturally disintegrate. The key here is that the process is natural, which distinguishes it from Erosion, which is usually associated with wearing down soil due to the movement of rock or the byproducts of the Weathering process.

The key here is that both of these processes diminish what was once solid and tangible. However, one is the result of time and nature, and the other is the result of natural but not inevitable factors. In fact, there are numerous ways to prevent Erosion, and conservationists around the world have made tremendous strides in protecting soil from Erosion.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… when people talk about “weathering the storm” in terms of relationships, I don’t necessarily think of surviving brief or extended tumultuous periods. It should be quite obvious to most of us who have experienced adult relationships that there are times when you can’t stand the sight of your partner. But to me, “Weathering” in terms of relationships, makes me think more of “Erosion,” in terms of nature. And once it’s gone it’s not easy to replenish. Because trust, and emotions in general, are the most fragile parts of any relationship, I think that any effort to replenish them once they have been Eroded is rife with serious deficiencies.

There are so many ways to slowly wear down a relationship I don’t think I could begin to describe them. So I’ll offer an example in two parts. Two very specific relationships come to mind when I think of Erosion.

I had been dating a special little woman off and on for over a year. It was casual, but not really. I suppose it was an attempt to maintain a phony shroud of independence. This was probably due to the fact that both of us had been through traumatic romantic endings; our faith in, let’s say the “goodwill,” of our respective opposite sexes was less than certain, to say the least. But essentially it just wasn’t one of those “causal” relationships, as neither of us was actively dating or seeing other people (At least as far as I know. Though I trust that she didn’t).

I can remember several instances where I cancelled a planned engagement on short notice, or was unprepared in a timely manner. She said to me that over time, this was affecting her opinion of my word. She said that she needed me to be dependable and that canceling on short notice diminished the quality of my word. Now, any cancellation of mine wasn’t anything like two minutes in advance, but it might have been two hours, or a day prior. I can accept her criticism. Although, in my defense, she was ultra-uptight, and these instances were not a common occurrence during our time together. And also, she had a tendency to do the same when it came to leaving the house, rather than meeting for an outside engagement. If she was working or focused on something it was alright for our plans to take a backburner. But either way, over time, my actions had an Eroding effect on her faith in my reliability. Though I think it was a bit excessive and melodramatic (as she tended to be), I made a note of it and I am conscious of it.

Then, there was this lovely young lady I used to date who had a bit of a selfish streak. Well, not a bit, she had trouble considering the thoughts and emotions of others. Ass-kissing is one thing, but a failure to be considerate is the kiss-of-death for a relationship over time. She actually said to me once: “A man’s pleasure should come from pleasing a woman.” Now, I have no problem pleasing a woman (can you hear me tooting my own horn??), but that WAS her idea of intimacy. She believed that any intimacy in the relationship should revolve around her pleasure, in any and every capacity. It was quite demanding.

After a while, I began to feel less and less intimate when I spent time with her. We even began to have contentious episodes over this issue. After each one, I began to realize more and more that she may never understand how she was choosing to degenerate the communication in our relationship into resentful passive-aggressive actions, and how intimacy became a chore. She actually thought it was connected to something physical. I tried to explain it on more than ten occasions, though she would never listen. Because of her upbringing she connected being independent to being defiant, so she was constantly playing outrageous power games. I don't really think she understood that I wasn't playing the same game. She even thought it was cute to mock me when we talked about it and pretend like it was funny. That was a very tough characteristic to deal with, let alone get along with.

Eventually, our physical intimacy suffered dearly. I became less enthusiastic about our romance because I knew that she had no intention of reciprocating any intensity I initiated. Sometimes, she would even go out of her way to avoid any physical pleasure during any form of an intimate moment to deliberately demonstrate her discontent. Funny enough, she really had no idea that by diminishing your partner’s pleasure you inevitably diminish your own. Intimacy is like a dance. One partner can’t just stand still and expect to be whisked around the room all night long.

Ultimately, it’s important to learn to be conscious of the ways that we Erode our relationships. It’s seldom just one partner, but sometimes, one partner is far more culpable than the other. The difficult part is figuring out which one of you is Eroding the relationship. It’s easy to point your finger. But I assure you, sometimes, the problem is YOU. Has the problem been ME before… probably.

My basic question is this: how often do people realize that they are DIRECTLY responsible for diminishing the quality of their relationship? I mean, we all play the victim with our friends and family, but is that always true?

Man, keeping a relationship healthy is no joke. No wonder so many people’s relationships fall apart. That stuff is not easy. Choosing a partner is serious business.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

11 comments:

Åsa said...

Since most of my friends are women, that's what I'm basing my assumptions on. Most of them blame the guy for not tending to the relationship while they are in it, but if it ends: they blame themselves. Not sure if this is a woman thing or an overall way of thinking.

I think if you talk more to each other - you can avoid erosion. Find out what the other person feels and likes and let the other person know you more.

Or maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic

Good post!

amber said...

thank you for visiting my blog and your comment.your blog seems very interesting,i'll be checkin it out regularly from now on :)

Leesa said...

Interesting perspective.

Enemy of the Republic said...

If people are honest, they will take the blame where it is appropriate. Sexual intimacy is a big one: women get upset if the man doesn't go down there and the man gets unhappy if his Richard gets ignored. I know a guy who cheats on his wife simply because she won't give him a blow job; she thinks its gross. I don't want to advertise my fine traits, but I always thought giving blow jobs were just another part of the sexual act. Maybe that's why I'm not divorced.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes it is difficult to strike a balance in all relationships, not only in BGR… I had to keep up with all the expectations of the people around me and at the end of the day, everyone is miserable. But all these effort was done with a simple objective in mind… we juz want the people around us to be happy and proud of us, there’s absolutely nothings wrong with that, but there’s juz gotta be a limit somehow, we haf to noe our personal threshold to stay sane…and that’s exactly what I’m learning to do right now.

S* said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. And I don't *really* hate men.

Prata said...

I personally have on more than one occasion caused the destruction of a relationship between myself and someone because of little quirks I have about things. I am generally a punctual person. I tend to run late when things are put before me that interrupt my typical schedule. I can not handle someone that is perpetually late though, like their entire life revolves around being late. It is such a sticking point that I mention it first thing lol.

And as asa has pointed out a lot of women do blame the men for not tending the relationship but then blame themselves later. Men sometimes (although not always) do this as well. The problem is really as I'm sure nosthegametoo will agree with, men and women communicate for completely different and IN completely different ways a lot of the time and it results in a competitive nature a lot of the times. What occurs then is that once it's over and you're looking back on it (as hind sight is always 20/20) you realize that it wasn't "all them", it as a lot of you too.

Theresa said...

You've captured a fantastic metaphor to illustrate an important part of maintaining a healthy, long-term relationship. I'd add that sometimes a weather-worn facade has richness and character that shiny new things lack. Likewise, a relationship that has stood the test of time, has a deep unique beauty.

Clay said...

relationships are so much work that require overtime ... i think often times we always pass the buck ... many dont want to take accountablity.

Brea said...

I can definitely see some mistakes I made in my last relationship. But I've never been afraid to admit my shortcomings. No one is perfect so there are going to be problems in any relationship. I think the key is how well and how deeply a couple is able to communicate. I talked a lot in my last relationship but it was over before I was ever heard...

nosthegametoo said...

@ Åsa:

I think a certain amount of Erosion is unavoidable. But my thoughts are just that we have to be conscious of the grinding and tedious things that we do to contribute to Eroding a relationship.

There certainly are circumstances beyond our control. But I think that we are often tempted to pretend that there are things out of our control that are really well within our control.

@ amber:

Please, don’t be a stranger. Your views and comments are always welcome here.

@ leesa:

Well, I’m not sure how interesting they are, but it’s something that’s been on my mind.

Thanks for showing your presence, it’s always appreciated.

@ Enemy of the Republic:

I think you are right about honesty, but sometimes being honest with yourself is a tremendous challenge.

Personally, I think that there is no reason you shouldn’t do the little things that make your partner happy. I see that as part of the deal.

Seriously… why would you want to create a situation where your partner is slowly turned off? Not that I approve of infidelity, I don’t. But it seems like that guy you know is like many people, male or female. Just because they don’t get it at home, doesn’t mean they do without.

I do my best to avoid that kind of thing by doing what’s necessary to keep the woman I’m with happy. I mean, come on… how long does it take to make them happy compared to the satisfaction your partner gets? Some people would rather play power games. I think it’s crazy.

Hilarious and excellent comment.

@ charley:

I agree with you. But it seems to me that people are having much more difficulty dealing with their selfishness, rather than their generosity. I’ve found that some of the things we do to make others happy are really self-serving.

But I certainly do agree with you.

@ S*:

It’s good to hear you don’t hate men. That would be a bit too extreme of a position. But I didn’t really think you did.

Thanks for coming by.

@ prata:

As always, you are quite insightful. You have a great talent and skill to be able to recognize your contribution to Eroding past relationships. There are many people who cannot see their culpability.

And yeah, I do agree that Men and Women communicate differently.

Too bad we don’t have 20/20-like vision in the beginning.

@ theresa:

Thank you for making your presence known. I think that a weather-worn facade has its place, but I wonder if durability and Erosion are two different things.

Thanks for the thoughts. As usual, you’ve given me something to think of.

@ clay:

You’re right. I try to take responsibility. But sometimes it’s tough to see yourself the way you truly are.

@ brea:

If we’re willing to learn, we can always see some of the mistakes we have made.

I think communication is important, but it must be productive. If one partner refuses to acknowledge reality, then the communication is tainted and doesn’t really help.