Let's me start thanking all of you for supporting me and advising me. I am truly thankful to internet for putting me together with each of you. When I was growing up I did not have my mom in my life, therefore I got to see my sisters once a blue moon. My grandmother was my only confidant till I was 10 then she got alzheimer. So I became a solo care-taker till I hit the late teens. Needless to say I always wanted to ask people opinions and get advice. I never were able to till I figured bloggerland out. I spend endless hours thinking about your comments and humbled.
Now I live in the states by myself and truly do not have any close friends I cannot talk about my intimate feelings to anybody besides the guy I am in love and hate relationship. Isn't that ironic?
In the states there used to be 3 people who knew me well. Not the no_the_game outside but the inside of me, inside of my brain. Out of three only one person knew me the way nobody knew me before with all my imperfection and good qualities, because I started out as friends. I met him very breifly in NYC when he was his way to Europe. So we meet a very short period of time in my hotel room. I remember that day as if it happened couple days ago. (seriously my heart is pounding right now. I do not know why I am nervous) No, we did not have a sex that day. Althought he wanted to. We kissed and stuff. When he tried to reach down I stopped him. So we decided to meet the next day just before he left for Europe.
The next day I tried to call him several times but he did not answer the phone. I even left a message. Yes, he even did not call me before he left. Before meeting in NYC we used to talk over the phone. He sounded a nice guy over the phone. You know after he did not return my call I thought WOW all men were pigs, even nice ones.
Month was passed. I think it was slightly over a month or less than a month, he called me when he returned from Europe. Appoligizing that he was out with his buddies drinking got pretty wasted that was why he did not return my call.
I am sure you are getting bored and thinking what is this have to do Part 2? Stay with me please.
So I was excited to talk to him again and I remember it clearly what I was doing when he called me. I even told him that I did not think he would ever call me again. I talked to him again because he was exteremly an intelligent guy from our phone convesations.
As we talked more I found out his girlfriend cheated on him while he was in Europe. (I did not know about his girlfriend till that point) He was realy upset. I mean words can not describe how upset he was. We talked hours and hours over the phone sometime we would be on the phone 5 straight hours. It went like 5-6 month like that. He used to tell me how much he loved her. While I was listening to him when he described how he loved her and the way he cared about her I would get jealous of her.
Now I live in the states by myself and truly do not have any close friends I cannot talk about my intimate feelings to anybody besides the guy I am in love and hate relationship. Isn't that ironic?
In the states there used to be 3 people who knew me well. Not the no_the_game outside but the inside of me, inside of my brain. Out of three only one person knew me the way nobody knew me before with all my imperfection and good qualities, because I started out as friends. I met him very breifly in NYC when he was his way to Europe. So we meet a very short period of time in my hotel room. I remember that day as if it happened couple days ago. (seriously my heart is pounding right now. I do not know why I am nervous) No, we did not have a sex that day. Althought he wanted to. We kissed and stuff. When he tried to reach down I stopped him. So we decided to meet the next day just before he left for Europe.
The next day I tried to call him several times but he did not answer the phone. I even left a message. Yes, he even did not call me before he left. Before meeting in NYC we used to talk over the phone. He sounded a nice guy over the phone. You know after he did not return my call I thought WOW all men were pigs, even nice ones.
Month was passed. I think it was slightly over a month or less than a month, he called me when he returned from Europe. Appoligizing that he was out with his buddies drinking got pretty wasted that was why he did not return my call.
I am sure you are getting bored and thinking what is this have to do Part 2? Stay with me please.
So I was excited to talk to him again and I remember it clearly what I was doing when he called me. I even told him that I did not think he would ever call me again. I talked to him again because he was exteremly an intelligent guy from our phone convesations.
As we talked more I found out his girlfriend cheated on him while he was in Europe. (I did not know about his girlfriend till that point) He was realy upset. I mean words can not describe how upset he was. We talked hours and hours over the phone sometime we would be on the phone 5 straight hours. It went like 5-6 month like that. He used to tell me how much he loved her. While I was listening to him when he described how he loved her and the way he cared about her I would get jealous of her.
Hmmmm are u thinking if he loved her that much then WHY ON THE WORLD HE WAS FOOLING with you in NYC? Yes that is what was my mind then and now. But then I did not tell him that because we were FRIENDS right? It was COOL. Since he came back from Europe we talked over the phone and I start visiting him as much as I could.
So one year I celebrated new years eve with him and bunch of his buddies. One of his friends (they know each other since childhood) acted disrespectifully and my NYC guy did not stand up for me. (Let me insert it here that i did stuff to contribute his friends behavior. But none of that stuff was sexual anything in that context. I just was a biggest COCK BLOCKER that night)
Let me to put side note here that if I were the way I am now I would not even talk to him just because he ditched my while I was in NYC. He destroyed my plans for that day, but I would not be the way I am now if I have not meet him. He is somebody I truelly appreicate and love. I never loved anybody the way I love him. I sometimes think I treasure him. He is the blessing and curse of God in my life. I wish he could let my ugly, unacceptable pass ( read blog 9.14.2006 ) go so we can have someting and wonderful together. If not somebody will really apprecaite ME. A new me. He is a master mind behind a new me. He is somebody he taught me how to love and respect myself. I truelly love him but I have done huge damages to the relationship.
So now fastforward to this thanksgiving.
Yes I was talking about the guy I spended thanksgiving with. Please not here I am not an angel by all standards. I have done serious damages to the relationship. I told my NYC guy (let's call him this from now on) about my serious intentions he started digging up my previouse love life. But he forgets I still remember the day we were in NYC. I know that my pass is very hard for him to handle but I have much more too offer. Since our serious intentions I think he wants to figure out if he wants me to be in his life forever or not. I truelly do not know what is going his mind. He became hard to deal with person.
So we argue a lot. Due to my uncivilized behavior this situation is escalated a little bit more. I feel sorry for my behavior.
We left Chicago a day before Thanksgiving and arguing about everything. Arguement started over the suitcase he supposed to bring for me to pack. He supposed to bring me that damn suitcase on the weekend but here it was Monday night 10 pm I still did not have my suitcase. I started yelling over the phone and telling him I was going nowhere. Then he yelled back FINE and hang the phone on me. So I called back and told him bring it when he can and I am on my way to bed. So our Thanksgiving started on a wrong way anyways. All my way to his parent place I told him we are over and that is it. But only LORD knows how many times I have said that.
To be continued due to the length of post....
So question is do you think should I stick to my words when I say I will leave or should I stop saying it when I do not mean?
With luv,
No_the_game
So one year I celebrated new years eve with him and bunch of his buddies. One of his friends (they know each other since childhood) acted disrespectifully and my NYC guy did not stand up for me. (Let me insert it here that i did stuff to contribute his friends behavior. But none of that stuff was sexual anything in that context. I just was a biggest COCK BLOCKER that night)
Let me to put side note here that if I were the way I am now I would not even talk to him just because he ditched my while I was in NYC. He destroyed my plans for that day, but I would not be the way I am now if I have not meet him. He is somebody I truelly appreicate and love. I never loved anybody the way I love him. I sometimes think I treasure him. He is the blessing and curse of God in my life. I wish he could let my ugly, unacceptable pass ( read blog 9.14.2006 ) go so we can have someting and wonderful together. If not somebody will really apprecaite ME. A new me. He is a master mind behind a new me. He is somebody he taught me how to love and respect myself. I truelly love him but I have done huge damages to the relationship.
So now fastforward to this thanksgiving.
Yes I was talking about the guy I spended thanksgiving with. Please not here I am not an angel by all standards. I have done serious damages to the relationship. I told my NYC guy (let's call him this from now on) about my serious intentions he started digging up my previouse love life. But he forgets I still remember the day we were in NYC. I know that my pass is very hard for him to handle but I have much more too offer. Since our serious intentions I think he wants to figure out if he wants me to be in his life forever or not. I truelly do not know what is going his mind. He became hard to deal with person.
So we argue a lot. Due to my uncivilized behavior this situation is escalated a little bit more. I feel sorry for my behavior.
We left Chicago a day before Thanksgiving and arguing about everything. Arguement started over the suitcase he supposed to bring for me to pack. He supposed to bring me that damn suitcase on the weekend but here it was Monday night 10 pm I still did not have my suitcase. I started yelling over the phone and telling him I was going nowhere. Then he yelled back FINE and hang the phone on me. So I called back and told him bring it when he can and I am on my way to bed. So our Thanksgiving started on a wrong way anyways. All my way to his parent place I told him we are over and that is it. But only LORD knows how many times I have said that.
To be continued due to the length of post....
So question is do you think should I stick to my words when I say I will leave or should I stop saying it when I do not mean?
With luv,
No_the_game
4 comments:
Once you make empty threats, it seems like you are just making threats to see how he will react. And now, does he believe you?
I agree about the empty threats. You need to decide once and for all how you feel and what you truly want...
It sounds like your 'relationship" has potential, but it's going to need change from you (and probably him). Are you prepared to change? Will it be worth it?
With all due respect, you sound like an interesting and worthwhile challenge... If only I was closer and/or a little younger... sigh.
Greg :)
No the game! What would you like someone to do to you? Say they want to break-up with you all the time or would you like them to not say it unless they mean it? That should answer your question.
From what you tell about your past life, it seams like it would be good for you to find a nice, loving and understanding person. Someone who gets you to like you like yourself. And I’m not talking about someone who will give up their life and values for you. Rather the opposite. Someone whose life and value validate all of you. Have you ever met a person who you notice that you become the person you want to be when you are with him? Without faking it so to speak. When the true you are allowed to bloom. Don’t settle for less.
It sounds like you have spent way too long time of your life to take care of others and not being able to be a child and young adult with support from loved ones. Have you thought about talking to someone professionally? I’m asking because I know if you want to be a good skier, you can only reach so far by training yourself. If you want to be really good you need a coach. Same thing in life I think. If there where difficult times when we were young, it could be good to talk to someone who will help us to find out what it did to us and why we are reacting to things the way we are. And when that is done: do things in a way which is kinder to us.
Lots of hugs to you! You are a tremendous person.
Like it or not, we all play games in relationships. However, when we care about developing strong, loving bonds with others, we make efforts to be honest, constructive and aware. We try to avoid manipulations in favor of genuine affection and support.
Here's a starting place: SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY
It cuts down on a whole lot of confusion and in the long run, you're more likely to get what you want.
Good luck.
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