HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

A LOVING FAREWELL TO 2005:

After a rollercoaster year, both emotionally and professionally, I must admit, there's little I would change. With all the lessons we all have been blessed to have endured and experience, it's time to take that wisdom into another year.

May 2006 bring all of you Peace, Love and all the Blessings you have the strength to work for. I wish that 2006 is a year for tremendous accomplishments and blessings.

Peace and love to you all,

nosthegametoo & No_the_game

APPRECIATION:

MORE THAN WORDS?

I always try to look at Holiday seasons as an opportunity to make peace in my life, both with others, and myself. That’s one of the wonderful things about this time of year, these particular Religious holidays can put anyone in a reflective mood. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the many blessings God has brought to my life, and I’ve questioned whether or not I have been appreciative of them. Oh… I SAY that I am, but what do I do to SHOW that I appreciate the blessings in my life?

Words are cheap. It’s easy to get caught up in Semantic games (see December 16, 2005 post) to fool ourselves into believing that we’ve done enough, but in the end, intentions are really just unfinished business. So every now and then it’s important to ask: Have I really done enough to SHOW that I’m grateful for all the blessings and everyday miracles in my life?

The “Just fellow your heart” mentality, as I would call it, is increasing more prevalent. Well, at least it seems that way. But please, don't get me wrong, it's not my attempt to say that you should ignore your heart. But we can't always just do whatever the hell we feel like doing; in relationships, there are obligations and costs, which may even include aspects of personal freedom (oh no... can't do whatever I feel like, that's worse than being "Judged").

Nothing, including the blessings in our lives, is free. In life, so many things need to be paid for, and sometimes, the cost is RESPECT and APPRECIATION. But both of those cost time, effort and sometimes even pride, which is a cost many of us are not willing to pay.

But especially this time of year, there is an excellent opportunity to think of more than ourselves. One of the most difficult aspects of life is to face ourselves in the mirror and reconcile our behavior with our SELFISHNESS. Though, as always, I make a huge distinction between SELF-INTEREST (which is good, because enhancing your own life makes you able to be a better person for yourself and everyone in your world) and SELFISHNESS (which is bad, because taking and not giving leaves a void in your world; you are out of balance with everything/everyone around you).

So during this holiday, I’m going to make some phone calls, and send some letters (hand-written by regular mail) to friends and family who both earned and deserve my utmost gratitude.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… I’m sure we’ve all said and heard the words: “Oh…thank you… I appreciate you (or what you did) sooooo much.” Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard it all before. But, it’s my contention that appreciation has to have substance behind it, and I’ve found that sometimes we really lack a true understanding of WHAT and HOW appreciation really works.

Now don’t get me wrong, with all the variables and X-factors that exist, it’s tough to measure exactly how we can show our appreciation or even our gratitude toward those people around us who have had an impact on our lives. But for me, it’s always good to start out with the basics; keeping life simple has more and more become my most favored modus operandi.

Since it’s my belief that words have meaning, I’ll offer a working definition I think most people would accept. Appreciation: “Recognition of the quality, value, significance, or magnitude of people and things.” This seems like an excellent place to start, because I think we often fail to recognize the value of a whole lot of things around us.

Now, it’s often said that you don’t know what you have until you’ve lost it. Well, I think that’s a possibility, but not necessarily essential to understanding the value of the quality of your blessings. I think that more often than not, putting ourselves first, in a SELFISH manner, diverts our attention from the blessings before our eyes. I guess it’s kind of like the whole glass half-full rather than half-empty thing; looking at life in a manner that exclusively says, "fill this half-empty glass up," rather than taking a moment to smile and think, "I've been blessed to have the strength to fill my glass half-way, though there's more to go."

Showing APPRECIATION is to practice the art of RESPECT (Though I'll discuss "respect" another time). Words are often essential in showing a measure of respect and appreciation, but the practice has to be deeper than that. Words are too cheap; they are not valueless, but they are too easy to come by. Appreciation, much like respect, has to be followed by conduct.

Although we ALL have tough times and tribulations to endure now, and for the rest of our lives, there are countless blessings in our lives, both large and small. There are so many opportunities to enrich our minds, souls and lives, that it’s important to take a minute and recognize that. One of the easiest ways to recognize that is to show your appreciation to not just friends and family, but the world at large. Donate money, donate time, do something beyond yourself for someone you care about, do something beyond yourself for someone you don't know, or maybe just give an act of kindness without expecting a “Thank you.”

How you show your appreciation is your business, but try and make sure that you make a conscious and genuine effort to show that you understand how many blessings exist in your life.

BOTTOM LINE: We are owed, promised or guaranteed NOTHING in this life, so when we receive blessings, whether they are as wonderful as a life-altering opportunity, or as small as a loving hand helping you out of your chair, be grateful. And remember, sometimes blessings can’t be seen with the naked eye, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t been blessed. Even some of our most difficult and painful experiences have blessed us with the knowledge and wisdom to become greater people.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

HOLIDAY NOTE: To each and every person and family, may these days, like all others, bring you peace and let you feel love in its deepest and truest form... whatever that may be. MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY CHANUKAH, and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

From both of us,

nosthegametoo & No_the_game

SEMANTICS: PART I
REPACKAGING REALITY

NOTE: Remember, this posting is about men, women and relationships. Please, don’t get side-tracked with the opening material, or your political sensibilities.

At 10:30 a.m. on January 17, 1998, at the downtown Washington D.C. law offices of Robert S. Bennett, then President Bill Clinton gave a sworn deposition that would soon become the talk of the world. But the real firestorm would not come until January 26, 1998, when he appeared before the nation and uttered these now infamous words: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Monica Lewinsky.”

It’s not necessary to go into detail about the events that followed. However, what I would like to highlight this colourful use of language. This is a fine example of how we can manipulate the definition and meaning of words; and whether or not certain words should be interpreted in a loose and contemporary manner.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… often in life, we walk around under the impression that we communicate clearly. Most of us think we say exactly what we mean, and that those words are understandable. This is hardly the case. There are countless major communication problems when we are dealing with people as a whole, and in relationships in particular.

When we communicate with others, most of the time we have a goal in mind. We want our words to be perceived a certain way. So, we often tailor our words and come up with new designer rhetoric. Sometimes we're trying to fool the world at-large, but other times we're just fooling ourselves, and confusing our own understanding of life or relationships.

I find that people often attempt to over-inflate or devalue terms and words so that they can redefine them in a manner they find personally satisfying.

IS THIS BAD? Not necessarily.

Sometimes fresh ways of stating things leads to fresh thinking. On the other hand, I don’t think it’s a good thing when we seek to take words and terms out of reality and place them into a dream world. I find more and more that it only confuses us and makes it tougher to make decisions based on good and valuable judgments. It’s amazing how many of us are afraid of the dreaded word: “Judgment.” Ohhhh… you can’t do that. Apparently, there’s nothing worse than judging anything.

For instance, consider the “casual” relationship built upon sex. It’s now sometimes popular to call these arrangements “Fuck Buddies” or “Friends with Benefits.” Why are these terms becoming increasing more popular? Your guess is as good as mine, but it seems to me that it’s an attempt to devalue a relationship by attempting to separate reality from function. I’ve found that many people consider the word “Relationship” to be a title, so by attempting to devalue their relationship with coarse language, they fool themselves into believing there’s no culpability for their actions; somehow they’ve fooled themselves into believing that you can have all the privilege you want, but none of the responsibility. Good luck on that. Anybody fooling around like that will need it.

In reality, a casual relationship IS a relationship. If you interact with someone regularly, you have entered into a relationship. Now, whether or not you have committed yourself to fidelity is another story all together. But make no mistake, a casual relationship IS a relationship; like it or not, and even though we find ourselves afraid of being “Judged” as promiscuous or trashy for fooling with people without commitment (and please, let’s not do the whole “double-standard” thing either. I’m perfectly willing to label a man as a slut or a hoe too.).

Now, I’m sure there are people out there that will claim to have the perfect situation worked out. I always have my doubts. For instance, about two years ago, one of my closest friends tried explaining to me how he had the “perfect” casual relationship. Funny enough, for the first month or two, the situation was as “perfect” as anything like that can be. The situation continued for almost a year. By the end of that time, they were all but boyfriend and girlfriend only without the respective titles. But, their uncommitted situation was driving them crazy with jealousy. The situation finally came to a head in a parking lot after an evening event they both attended, separately. A very obscene situation erupted in full-view of the public. Quite hilarious for me, but a horrible embarrassment for my friend.

It seems to me that the best possible situation in casual terms is where one or both parties has no regard for the feelings of the other, and at the drop of a dime, you or they could throw the other party away like yesterday’s newspaper. I don’t know about anyone else, but I hardly see the perfection is misusing someone. That’s not a game I’m willing to play. I've had my share of silly. For those of you who crave conflict and trouble, good luck to you. As for me, I have plenty of stress in this life and I don’t need to manufacture any additional problem(s) which can easily be avoided.

Bottom line: I find that people are serious about a whole lot of silliness. A warm body is never as good as a loving one. Though, some people crave the excitement of continually seeking greener and newer pastures. I wonder how often that grass is really greener. I’m not saying commit to the next girl or guy you spend some romp-around time with. That might not be a solution. But be careful with the RELATIONSHIPS you create. Life is about relationships with people: financial, familial, romantic, business, mentoring, friendly, adversarial or so on.

These days I’m doing my best to cultivate the ones that bring the greatest value to my life. It’s not easy, and I’ve been a fool along the way, but I’m getting better.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

re-LATIONSHIP DIS-functionality

Brain

or

Heart

• Why he calls you when he does not mean it? Is it moment of filling his free time or does it mean he cares?
• S/he shows up once in a blue moon and gives you what you would expect from her/him but never calls back again at least good couple weeks or months. Why does he do it?
• S/he introduces you to his family but never calls you after that or calls you in holidays and never again. What that supposed to mean?
• S/he takes tons of pictures with you but never displays in her/his house? Hmm is it for bragging rights?
• S/he always have some kind of excuses not to be able to attend your special party. Hmmmm Is there a cat in the bag?
• S/he says he cares about you but when you call s/he recommends you take some damn pills with no sympathy. Is s/he that senseless?
• When friends around s/he acts as if you r the last person in his/her list.
• When you out everybody is in the center of attention but you. R u that ugly to stay with her/his ass?
• S/he never remembers your b-day forget about doing something special or even do not try to make up for it. Ha ha it is funny if u still think you will be together a long time. It is not the actual B-day it is all about attention.
• You just meet her/him but she says she is busier than President of United States. Hmm hmm I am still kind naïve about it. Even though I force myself to believe s/he busy. But you know what? A minute phone call can do it in most cases. It just only take “Hello, I just wanted to say hi and hear your voice”

If all these are happening in your relationship start running away from it. There are people who will treat you better than that.

PLEASE EVERYBODY PUT YOUR re- LATIONSHIP STEROTYPING. I just want to know

What to use Brain or Heart when it comes to love relationship? What do you vote ? Brain or Heart.

I vote for Brain will give reasoning for next post

With Love,

No_the_Game

It is a follow up with "If loving you is wrong , I do not want to be right" Originally posted at Saturday, December 03, 2005

Before entering anything I want to thank Prata for bringing a light to my way of thinking. He carefully but very rightly describes essence of relationship. “but a relationship (in romantic terms) is an attempt or creation of relations which draw people closer together”

2ndly after posting it I thought more about open-end relationships. One thing I forgot to mention is that an Open-End relationship is temporary fix someone’s insecurity or person thinks s/he trying to be sleek. Being sleek means one person in relationships, most of the time both involved person, knows that you tried to have all your cake and eat it as well. Unless person is a great player of human emotions it is very obvious one of you really trying to be sleek. People tend to think--let me keep this gal as well as other-- or --let me keep this guy as well as others-- see what will happen.

But believe me, after a while or after a certain age, people want more than a game in life. Open end relationships always close and leave a deep scar one of the involved person’s heart. No good. Stay away before you burn yourself in it. Sometimes, especially if one is young or have no intentions for anything serious, open end relationship seems alright. Actually it feels right because it seems you have all of your cake on your plate. Actually you never had it.

Blueprinces, when person young and bold half is satisfactory sometimes more than satisfactory. When people get older and have certain needs from a man/woman. When they are not meet people start looking at their value judgments. Nothing horrible than look back and say uh oh I wasted such a long time on so and so… I wasted my time. Time is valuable asset but oftentimes we ignore the importance of it when we are young and bold.

Fear of being alone should not lead a person to stay in open-end relationship. Trying to be sleek lead open end relationship but not fear. Sometimes fear can be if person is insecure. B/c it leads more emptiness along the way. Fear can not be filled with emptiness. I look at it this way: If fear makes me uncomfortable then being empty inside creats the same feeling then I am better off having one negative feeling rather than two negatives. I also understand if somebody in her late teens or early 20’s and thinks open-end relationship is OK as Edz described, “discovering yourself.” I would feel bad for somebody in my age, who still thinks discovering herself. After certain age letting others take advantage of us is a silliness. If somebody feels ok with open end relationship and thinks it works for him/her then good luck as long as person does not complain when s/he gets hurt. Remember it is not matter of if it is matter of when. Maybe it is fine in my age to discover yourself but not in love department. Open-end relationships lead a scar in heart, therefore not recommended.

Laselleb I am glad you moved on. It is better move on rather then being stuck to it. A lot of ppl hung on it as long as they can.

Brea I agree with u and blueprinces hurt is not avoidable it is not matter if it is matter of when.

Parata, you said it best “You are having an agreed (sometimes) upon set of interaction terms” So I officially change the name of open-end relationship to Parat’s definition. One thing is noteworthy: most of the time open-end relationship does not have interaction terms. Interaction terms are built under as you go principle.

Aisha, I do not think ppl who r any of those described relationship lacks self respect. I think people have different way of experiencing and learning from life.

Deb, any woman who in those relationships knows what she got herself into. Most women love to give men a benefit of doubt. I am not saying women are wholly molly but women are more emotional. They think if he holds me this way he loves me, he kisses me this way he loves me. I understand sometimes we get emotional need from somebody but a mind blowing sex from somebody that does not care. I look at it from a different angle: a moral & comfort perspective. When it comes to a moral judgment of sexual life I hate to judge people. I rarely will call something immoral unless it is related to me. I live moral judgment to people. It is something I do not do.

Comfort perspective open-ended relationship or mind blowing sex is not healthy if u want to have a log term. A long term it will harm rather than bring joy. If that is what u want go for it. Why not? All I can do is to tell you it will end one day and what will you do? I have so many scenarios to talk about. It is just not advisable for somebody who is looking for a healthy and functional relationship to accept those terms and yet to believe something healthy is going to come out of that mess. If somebody is not expecting healthy, functional relationship then hey, what r u losing, right? Deb feel free to ask any questions and I or my co-bloger will answer it on the next post.

Rell are you type one or type 2 “we are close friends” relationship?

With love,

No_the_Game

“If loving you is wrong I do not want to be right” Bobby Womack

We all know it is arduous, derogating, burning, and humiliating feeling. Awareness of the feeling makes it humiliating. S/he knows closing eyes on a pain bringing aspect of relationship is not solving the probelm.

Name it what ever you want.

• Open ended relationship
• Non decisive-relationship
• We are “close friends”.

Talk about pain and comfort these relationships can bring. Noooo... try to imagine what combination of two,pain and comfort, can bring? I am sure some of us felt "the combination" more than others, but we all have felt at some point in life. If you are one of those a few lucky people who have never felt it, please do your best to remain that way.

If somebody is happy with any of those relationships I wish all luck in the world to that person. If those types are not for you then be proactive. Make decisions and stick to it. Yes stick to it. Have you ever been in the situation you tell yourself “THAT IS IT. I AM OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.” Then the next thing you do when you see that person you tell yourself “LET’S DO IT FOR THE LAST TIME” Are you aware how many last times we have if we do not make that last decisions and stick to it?

There are a lot of reasons people have those relationship.

Open-end relationship, most of the time, is a product of not meeting anybody you would love to have in your life for a life time. Or you are just a helpless sadist who loves an emotional ache. It can also be a product of your blindness. If you keep an open end relationship and you are devoted to it, please seek a professional help, b/c sky is falling (you can tell I watched Chicken Little recently) Open end relationship will be closed one day by one of you or it will destroy your life. I am positive about that.

I do not unnecessarily think it is a horrible thing but for a long haul it is a very dangerous fire to play. However, I do understand why there are lots of open-end relationships. Reasons for it, are bigger than me. I will leave it there or write about it later.

A none-decisive relationship is fine as long as sex is not involved. If sex is involved most likely it will end up “I hate you. Disappear from my life". Non-decisive relationship is also not for a faint-hearted people. You got to realize this type of relationship can take a right or left turn. Because nature of relationship is none-decisive it means you are both free to do whatever you want to do. Even sometimes it means you need to be selfish or aggressive about your goals w/out putting nobody’s feeling into an account.This type of relationship cultivates a strong friendship if people agrees on terms of it as well as understands it can take a right or left turn.

I would not recommend a lot of people to enter a none-decisive relationship. The reason is simple: most men or woman nowadays chose not to be honest. Honesty does not mean you have to tell all details of your life but it simple means you will be honest with significant other anything relates to her/him. A lot of people in this relationship make their own decision to move on w/out other involved person's concent. There is a fine line between to be fooled and having a none-decisive relationship. Because line is so fine, I refuse to recommend it to anybody. Honest people, who know human heart is not a toy a none- decisive relationship is a good option for a person who strangled with life mattering decisions and do not want to be strangled in other departments of life. Sometimes life does not give us all of that in one place and at desired time. It is almost heartbreaking for me when I see people who think they have a none-decisive relationship but in reality it is a one-way love relationship. So be aware of that.


There are two types of “we are close friends” relationships. First is flat out lies. I just hate those. “We are close friends” AKA “We are Fuck buddies” . There are more than handful people who think they are decent by not saying "we are fuck buddies". They will argue with you how wrong it is to say it out loud but they will do it. (I am not judgeing nobody. That is my opinion) Those types I even do not want to give a minute of my time to write or think.

Second type of “we are close friends” relationships is based on a strong personal, emotional and a support bond that is intertwined with sex. This type of relationship is a potential guilt bag that you carry in your heart all the time. You would be surprised to know how many people have this relationship. It is hardest relationship to break away. It is hard because you know a person you are with cares about you. You know if something happens, no matter what, that person will be your support system. This person listens, cares, criticizes, and fights because he/she cares.

Even though this type of relationship is convenient and physically comforting it is emotionally destructive. One of the involved individuals will get hurt end of the “we are close friends” silliness. Because we are all humans we all have issues with jealousy and desire not to share. This relationship can end ugly or can turn into a pure friendship no sex involved. If person truly cares s/he will be there w/out sex. Sometimes this relationship becomes the best marriage life, sometimes the worst marriage life. The question here need to be answered is this: A sex mixture to relationship ingredient is b/c of convenience or b/c of the desire wanting that person in your life more than a friend.


I can sit here and type about possible outcomes of certain types of relationships but everything boils down into this: As an adult you should know what you will/can put up with what you cannot or won’t put up with.

I also want to add one more thing in a serious dating life it is advisable not to have pre-set mind about too much of details. General idea yes, too much details no. This does not imply you should not have any idea and jump on anything passes by. As time passes one should know more about what s/he will/can not put up with. Will/can not put up with list is an incremental list. That is why hurry up and get married. Kidding… kidding.

For example the longer I live more I realize I do not like stress. I try my best to minimize it but I will confront it if I have to. Rule #1 for me is if I have to stress about a person, for one reason or another, I need to get out of it. Remember the purpose of seeking love is to bring joy and calmness into our lives.

With Love,

No_the_Game

P.S. While I was moving I missed all of you. I want to thank all of you guys and my co-blogger keeping it tied. I appreicate all of you. I will also put details and pics of my moving into other blog the next week.

BOUNDARIES: DO YOU KNOW YOURS?

On October 24, 1648, the major European powers signed the Treaty of Westphalia. After years of brutal religious wars in Europe, all the major political players decided it would be in all of their best interests to establish basic rules and territorial boundaries (at least in principle). For instance, one such rule that was derived from the treaty: “cuius regio eius religio,” which is translated from Latin to mean: "whose the realm, his is the religion." I personally found this to be too snooty a translation, so I’ll put it in plain English from the American South: “Ain’t but one rooster in the hen-house.”

The Treaty of Westphalia is a major turning point in Western history because it became one of the corner stones of the “nation-state” system. Even today we are operating under this basic nation-state system (in principle). The purpose of the system is quite simple: If I don’t respect your boundaries, what’s to stop someone else from disrespecting mine?

In terms of individual human relations, I find this philosophy of interaction to be the best words to strive to live by. Though we may all fall short due to: jealousy, anger, “love,” hate, embarrassment, curiosity, or so on… the principle is something I always try to keep in mind when I’m dealing with someone else.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… recently, several conversations have come to mind that remind me of the importance of boundaries. I think many of us live in a self-centered fantasy-land when it comes to the boundaries we should have with one another. Basically, we want our cake, your cake, and everyone else’s cake AND to eat it without being judged. I have my doubts that this is a realistic way to go through life. Like the institutionalized interactions between states, there are implicit agreements in serious and functioning relationships, with respect to acceptable boundaries.

For example, consider the boundaries which should exist between the interactions of you or your mate, and others. A breach of those boundaries can cause serious problems. I think some major problems arise when we have trouble accepting that more often than not, one book must close before another one opens. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS HAVING IT ALL.

It's easy to have trouble accepting that an ending is just that… an ending. For a functioning and respectful relationship, it’s detrimental to reach back to past lovers or romances, OR to create situations (yes, we create them most of the time) where ghosts from the past are free to reappear as they please. In terms of past serious relationships, that “friends” mess, in almost all cases, is highly inappropriate. This is all the more true the more serious that past relationship was. The hard truth is that there are appropriate friendships to have, and friendships that are inappropriate. Which ones are appropriate? Which ones are inappropriate? I can’t draw a bright-line for myself, let alone anyone else. But, I do have some ideas. How about avoiding these kind:

1) If you are still in love with someone else, and you are aware of it (don't kid yourself either).
2) If you still have in your heart/mind that you’ll always be connected to someone else (That's only true if you don't let go. You always have the option of doing so).
3) If you feel that you’re ALWAYS available to someone else, because you have "been through sooooo much together." Uh... yeah. And please, let's not do the whole, "but it's HARD" thing either.

For me, like most other men, another rooster in or pecking around my hen-house is absolutely unacceptable. But given my experiences with women, the same seems to be true for the opposite sex. I’ve never dated a woman who found it acceptable for another hen to peck around at her man's chicken coop, especially while mama hen wasn't home. Isn't that why there is chickenwire around chicken coops?

For those of you who have endured the silliness of an open-ended relationship, of any sort, you’ll probably understand better than others. The major problem that arises because of these open-ended relationships, is that they ARE open-ended, and relationships should not be they way. If someone is retaining an open-ended relationship, during a current commitment, one party is being abused.

Ever received that phone call from a past love while you were beginning a relationship with someone new? Many of us have. But how do you handle it? Do you try to honor a so-called promise that is now untenable and unacceptable? Do you hide it from your new partner? Do you THINK that you’ll always have a “special connection” with someone who is not your current mate? Do you want to?

Do you think any of that is appropriate?

In our relationships, it’s easy to forget that NOTHING IS FREE. Everything must be paid for in some way, shape or form; everything has an “OPPORTUNITY COST.” In economic terms, an opportunity cost is the true cost of something you give up to get what you want, which includes not only the MONEY spent but also the BENEFIT(S) you get in return. In relationship terms, an opportunity cost also includes the emotional price we pay too. Just because you didn't have a physical affair doesn't mean you're free and clear with respect to violating acceptable boundaries. Those benefits are paid for because you bought or did something, and can’t do or get something else because of it. IN PARCTICAL TERMS, THIS MAY VERY WELL COST YOU A MEASURE OF YOUR CURRENT PARTNER’S TRUST OR POSSIBLY THEIR RESPECT, ONCE YOU’VE ENTERED INTO A RELATIONSHIP.

Bottom line: Are you willing to pay for the cost of holding on to a past that can never be a real part of your future, at the expense of your present happiness, which actually has the chance to be your future?

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

HOLIDAY NOTE: To each and every person and family, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

From both of us,

nosthegametoo & No_the_game

ADDITIONAL NOTE: "No_the_game" has been in the process of moving, which is why she has been absent from the blog. As you can imagine, she has had more than a little bit to do. She sends her warmest regards to all of you here in blogworld; she misses you. Her internet connection will soon be up, and she will once again be preaching in the name of love.

ABRASIVESNESS AND TOUGH LOVE: Pt. I
“I feel like I’m being judged.”

One of the most recent blessings in my life has been the addition of an unbelievable older mentor who is a wise grandfatherly figure. I must admit, in the secret and private part of my heart, I’m jealous of all the people who have stories about their beloved grandparents. I only had one grandmother, and my time with her was too short (I still ask God to watch over your soul, lovely flower). Having grandparents is an experience that I’ll never have. Looking back, I’m sure I’ve tried to fill that void with other older and wiser people in my life.

My mentor is a mean old man in his mid-eighties. I have no problem with that. In fact, I love him for it. I grew up around old men, and the men in my family can be quite mean as well. So, I’m plenty used to it. In fact, a whole lot of people in my life want to meet him after hearing me talk about him. He may be mean, but he’s honest. And not that “Brutal Honesty” mess either (In a previous post, I explained why I don't believe in that concept). He NEVER says things to be malicious; he just lacks tact sometimes. He’s so no-nonsense that it’s almost hilarious sometimes. He can use an abrasive language that makes his speech both shocking and entertaining. BUT HE’S NOT JOKING, AND HE IS USUALLY RIGHT ABOUT WHAT HE TEACHES. He’s even funnier when he’s dead serious.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… there are two quotes that I often hear from people around my age and younger. I’m not even sure I can call them quotes, they’re more like insecurities or complexes. To me, I seriously question their wisdom, and the wisdom of sharing these with others when they are in need of guidance and answers from wise people with the knowledge to help them. The first one:

“I feel like I’m being judged.”

First, EVERYONE is always being judged. Time to get over that. Recently, I’ve heard this several times, so it’s sticking out in my head. I have heard several people praise a “friend” in their life for this reason: “What I love about him/her, is that he/she doesn’t judge me. They never have anything to say about what I do.”

To me, this is crazy. I think most people are more afraid of the word “judgment” than they are of its reality. But I guess that also has to do with the fact that most people will never know a True Friend. No True Friend stands idly by while they watch you jump off a cliff because “hey, that’s what he/she wanted.” Obviously, there is only so much a person can do. I’M SPEAKING OF INTERVENING AND EXPRESSING REALITY TO SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT. Whether or not they accept it is a whole different story.

My mentor has done a whole lot to lift the veil from my dream world. He often says, “You’re Dreamin!” Not always in reference to me in particular, but about younger people as a whole. And he’s right, so many of us are living in a dream world, and are completely out of touch with the real world.

For so many people I come across, there is no greater sin than “being told something.” Ewwwww… that’s like the Bogey-Man. They think “being told” is just about the worst thing in the world. Tell them, “don’t cross the street at night without looking,” and they’ll do it, because they THINK they’re being tough or defiant. THEY’RE LIVING IN A DREAM WORLD.

I hate to break it to the folks with that mentality, but we’re judged all the time, and that’s not a bad thing. WHAT’S BAD IS TO BE JUDGED ON BEHAVIORS, CIRCUMSTANCES AND TRAITS THAT ARE OUT OF OUR CONTROL. Sometimes, judgments are very important. Our reputations give others an impression of us before we even meet them. Here are some realities to think about:

Why work with a person with a reputation for being professional? He/she has been judged that way by the people around them. Would you want to work with someone who “didn’t care” about whether or not people thought they were professional?

Would you lend money to someone who had a reputation for not paying it back? He/she has been judged that way by the people around them. Most people, myself included, would say “hell no.” (lending, not giving when someone is in need)

The same goes for our other behaviors. The reality is this: NOTHING IS FREE. This means that the benefits of doing what you want, have consequences. Certain behaviors lead to certain judgments. And people are not necessarily wrong for making conclusions about you from your behavior. YOU'RE LIVING IN A DREAM WORLD IF YOU THINK IT'S WRONG FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR TO BE JUDGED.

BEHAVE HOW YOU WANT, BUT DON’T BE A FOOL AND EXPECT OTHERS TO ACCEPT OR EVEN ASSUME THAT PEOPLE ARE WRONG TO JUDGE YOUR SILLINESS BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE JUDGED DIFFERENTLY, EVEN THOUGH YOUR BEHAVIOR SUGGESTS OTHERWISE.

WORDS MAY HAVE MEANING, BUT SO DOES BEHAVIOR. AND SOMETIMES, YOUR ACTIONS CAN SPEAK SO LOUD THAT YOUR WORDS NO LONGER NEED TO BE HEARD.

NOTE: Understand that I assume (and rightfully so) that everyone here understands some basics. However, I’ll clarify, just in case.

1) This post is not about kissing people’s behinds or living for others.
2) Obviously, it is up to the individual to determine whether the judgment is relevant.
3) Everyone you meet should not be privileged to make such judgments on you.
4) This post is still in the context of relationships.
5) NO… I’m not perfect.
6) Being thinking individuals gave us all the “right” to judge the world and everything in it for ourselves.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

LOVE AND HEKA

The ancient Egyptians believed in a divine magic called: “Heka.” It was believed the creator-God “Ptah” used Heka when creating existence. The Egyptians believed all of existence, and all living things, possessed a measure of that divine force. Even the heavenly facilitator of love used the power of Heka to conjure passion between lovers.

In ancient Egypt, love’s divine inspiration was widely recognized. One of the heavenly embodiments of love came in the form of “Hathor.” She was the Goddess of love, music, singing and dancing. She was also one of the most important and widely worshiped Gods throughout the rise and fall of Egyptian civilization.

Today, the ancient Gods and Goddesses of Egypt are silent. We might even call the worship of these deities silly superstition to explain things they did not know, or could not understand. That may be true, but I must admit, when I think about love, there is an undeniable Heka to it.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… anyone who has ever experienced love, or at least the feeling that we ascribe the term to, can attest to its magic.

There’s so many forms of love magic that come out of relationships of any kind. Even before (and especially after) two individuals make love, they can be bonded in profound ways. But sometimes I think we’re too mystified by the physical magic of sex. It ain’t much. Then again, it does have a special magic to it. My feeling is that it's very easy to get distracted from building a relationship, whey you are mystified by physical magic. For those of you who have had both, think about this one: Given two choices, which feels better: 1) “Great” sex with somebody, or; 2) that special intimacy you have at night when you're alone with someone you love?

When I’m with my friends and I listen to the discussions about “grown folks” business, some form of man/woman issues are bound to pop up. They all have great stories about a lover they say was SOOOOOOO great. They always speak of how important physical magic is. But I know these guys and girls, and I know what they don’t talk about. They speak of sex, but at home when they need the ear of a loving friend, it’s always someone who they once loved that stays in their hearts and on their minds. The loss of a warm body doesn’t seem to have as much impact on someone as ending a once loving relationships does.

It’s crazy magic I tell you. And I have a lot of questions concerning love’s magic.

How is it that we drive ourselves crazy with jealousy?

Why do we covet things in people? Why do we look for ourselves in others and then fool ourselves into thinking we’re getting to know someone? Why is it that so many people don’t understand that humans are not images, and you can’t read your “standards” into someone else?

Have you ever felt yourself being pulled toward someone you’re trying to leave? Have you ever pulled someone closer who might otherwise have left you? Have you ever been in a situation where fire is instantly rekindled, no matter what difficulties you’ve had, whenever you’re in each other’s presence?

If anyone has the answer to any of these questions, or better yet an explanation as to why these things occur… I’m all ears. I may have asked these questions in general, but now that I read over them, maybe there is more of me in these questions than I thought.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

You are my heart and my soul that is not attached to me at all.

Above statement is real and applicable to a lot of love relationships. How many times we loved and adored people that is/was not attach to us at all. Unsatisfied needs (regardless of its nature) in the love department automatically implies that love is complicated, hurtful, joyful, fulfilling. Love can empty our souls and leave a hole in it. Not really. Not knowing what one gets him/herself into leads all above mentioned problems.

We all love the best way we can. We do not love based on the stories we hear. We love our own way. When it comes to deal with love we try to handle it the most socially acceptable ways. Friends start feed us with their 2 cents advice: Oh, you are so cheap. Oh, why would you do that? Oh, do you have low self esteem or something?

Falling in love is the healthiest feeling. However, most of us only know how to handle it unhealthy way. Love does not mean a certificate to marriage. Love does not mean you will get what you want. Mutual love can bring expected outcome or it just simple can make you realize “You are my heart and my soul that is not attached to me at all.”

The conclusion: Love itself is not as complicated. We make it complicated. Just do not try fit love into the most acceptable or accepted box.

WHAT DO YOU THINK LOVE IS?

Happy Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No_the_Game

P.S I am not back to STL yet.

Dear all,

I am , NO_the_GAME , traveling. I have my post on my lab top but can not get it hooked on internet for some reasons. I am browsing people's blogs and leaving comments. I will be back. I will sure have something to share when I come back.

Miss you all,
NO_the_Game

WALKING AWAY FROM LOVE

My favorite male vocalist of all-time is David Ruffin. Although his name may not be that familiar, I’m sure almost everyone in America knows the sound of his voice. Mr. Ruffin was the lead vocalist for The Temptations during their classic line-up. You know his voice from songs such as: “My Girl,” “I Wish it Would Rain,” and “Ain’t too Proud to Beg.” The man was a marvelous talent, and a true “Soul Singer,” in the most accurate since of the word. His tragic death in June of 1991 was certainly a loss to the world of music.

David Ruffin’s vocals tell stories that my words can’t begin to express. For instance, even with corny lyrics penned by Smokey Robinson, he somehow conveys genuine heartfelt emotion on “My Girl.” I don't find that in the popular music on the radio today.

This morning, I woke up and I turned on “Walk Away From Love,” a soulful dance single with a disco flavor, which was a moderate hit on the Pop and R&B charts in 1975. I suppose it’s because I was feeling his words after a long conversation I had with someone last night.

This morning, these were the words Mr. Ruffin sang more eloquently than I can express:

It's not that I don't love you
You know how much I do
And it's not that I've found someone
To take the place of you

It's just the fear that lives within me
Everytime you touch my hand
And a dread that shakes my body
That even I don't understand

So I'm leaving
This time I'm playin' it smart
I'm gonna walk away from love
Before love breaks my heart

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstanding of each other?

Well… perhaps an easily misunderstood letter I considered putting in the mail this morning will tell the tale.

Dear “You,”

They say that forgiveness is divine. I suppose I’m lacking in my divinity these days. I have an unmistakable urge to hate you. But I’m not a hateful man, so I can’t. I have an unmistakable urge to love you. But my heart is cynical, so I can’t. Sometimes I wonder if I feel both at the same time. Which one is stronger?

I want you to hurt when I hurt so I’m not alone. But your pain brings tears to my eyes, so I wish you none; I wish you peace and love. I’ve given you the softest part of me, and that is something that doesn’t come with ease. Do you really think that I consider you a… ? I could never have laid down beside you if that was truly in my heart.

I’ve held your hand as tight as I could. Did I hold it too tight? I know that my grasp has to weaken. I know you have to choose freely. Letting go of a special hand hurts like hell. We’ve both done it before. But I don’t question your judgment. And I do wish you the best.

You met me when my trust was shaken, but I still had faith in you. Faith, trust and hope all have different meanings. My trust hasn’t healed, and my faith has been shaken, but I desperately hoped to be your fool. It may not be enough, but you should know that I still love you.

You're in my heart and mind,

“nosthegametoo”

Peace and Love

I like life, but not all the people I have met along the way….

When I was introduced to you, I knew I would fall in love with you. When I heard you the first time, I knew you will be winning my heart and stealing my soul away. An unhesitant part of me opened doors of my soul wide to let you in my world because I needed you. Since I've known you, you became un-attachable part of me. You travel with me all day. The way you sound it pours joy, power, hope and everlasting last.

You brought inner peace to my life. You made me realize who I am and what I am able to internalize. You made me to be proud of myself because I could understand you. You were always there to sing unbelievable tunes that I will never hear again. You created memories that are sealed in me and will go to the grave with me one day.

You find your way to my inner world through my ears, my eyes and flow in my vein till it touches deep down in me. When you touch my heartstrings I feel sacred, I feel the power, I feel fulfillment and emptiness inside. When you touch me, you bring out the softest part of me. You make me realize I am alive. You presence makes me realize I am living, breathing, understanding, crying, and laughing person.

I do not want to fall asleep because I am afraid I will not dream about you. I am afraid to fall asleep because I will not hear you. I want you too bad in my life. I need you in my life the way I need air to breath. When I hear you it is enough for me to close my eyes and feel your soft touch. I can feel the closeness that can take my breath away. I feel how you can be part of me without me knowing it. You are the best part of me.

Luv,

No_the_game

NOTE : This posting is our 50th posting on the blog. Thank you everybody for visiting and inspiring us to write. Your comments make our blog worth writting.

From both of us,

No_the_game & nosthegametoo

All women are sandwiched between heart and brain/mind. Females are viewed as emotional beings whereas males were always mucho. Heart is a symbol of tender feelings and emotions. Brain/mind is a symbol or product of thorough analysis of situation(s).

It is not fair to tell women are the only ones who are emotional. Everybody is emotional: males, gays, and lesbians, bis. It is a human nature to be emotional. Some of us have done a good job to keep our emotions under control. Emotions are evoked from deeper feelings. Nobody has emotions or feeling toward something we are totally unrelated. It would be even better said if I say humans do not develop emotions for the things we see no value in it.
(I am not using value in terms of worldly or monetarily meaning) I am sure man gets hurt the same amount or more in love department when they get cheated or turned down. I say more because male are more ego driven than most of females. Some women also have ego issues but it is another topic to discuss.

It is true woman can be a bit open about her emotions than men. We can cry, write hundred emails, and call over and over our loved one when they hurt us. We call to hear they feel sorry and understand our emotions. More or so we want our partners to take our feelings into consideration. Actually, it is not the consideration we care but it is a sympathy we seek most of the time. It is more true when said women need more sympathy than women are emotional. We can give people benefit of doubt when none should be granted. We give benefit of doubt with the hope that things will turn around for better. We can be patient to see if things going to be all right. That is why we all seem emotional.

How to eliminate detrimental emotions that affect love or dating relationship?

First of all we all need to enter to relationship no string attached mentality(NSA). We need to know that the fist impression or impression of first month is important does not hold truth at the love department. Somebody who steals your heart at first couple dates can also throw it out of window that easily. First impression is lust that can be fertile ground to grow love. It can also end in your or in her/his bedroom after couple love making sessions. My lovely grandma used to say “What catches the fire fast, burns faster” I ignored the meaning of it a long time. The longer I live the deeper I understand the true meaning of an old saying. (If you have issue with it let me know we will have discussion about it)

The second tack consists of scratching all your man/women of dreams theory. You do not need to give up all your negotiables, but yet be willing to give up some. A man/woman of dream can be very abstract therefore no need to describe him or her. We all have our own motivation and scarifies when it comes to choose mate. Here are some negotiable: s/he got to be this tall, this cute, six packs, big boobs, a nice round ass, and etc. Again it is very personal so I will not go further [insert your own negotiable and non negotiable here]

For a lot of people entering to relationship with preset mind is NO NO. Indeed it is hard to enter to relationship with preset mind. I would agree with people who does not support preset mind of relationships. However, I would strongly support one aspect of preset mind- every and each of us should know before entering to the relationship what QUALITIES we do not want to deal with. Oh boy, that is the life saver right here. [seriously take note]


The third make sure you are not entering relationship not because of lust or need to fill some missing part of you. You have to become a full person emotionally, physically sometimes financially. Note one thing here that all above said applies love relationship not other form of relationships. There are some relationships one should not negotiate even a pinch. Some relationships are even not worse for consideration.

The key factor in relationships is always behind our desire what we want out of it. So, it is up to you to know what YOU want out of your relationships. Be true to yourself, your partner and your expectations. Try to control emotions. Emotions can be so precious at the time can be valued so pricelessly.

Side Note: I have seen when people do not want to deal wiht somebody the call that person emotional. What they really mean by that is this: You are bothering me; just stop telling me all the garbage you were about to spit. Most problems can be fixed if it was listened to and given consideration. Understanding, loving and caring partner most of the time will listen. But please do not abuse that also.

So what is your negotiable(s) at the love department?

THE THINGS WE DO: THE SPEECH IN OUR ACTIONS

In 1984, while the Republican National Convention was taking place in Dallas, Texas, a man burned an American flag in front of the Dallas City Hall to protest the policies of President Ronald Regan and also to protest some Dallas-based corporations. At that time, under Texas law, a person could be found guilty of a criminal offense if he/she, “intentionally or knowingly desecrates … a state or national flag.” A Texas trial court convicted him, and he appealed all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court.

On appeal, the U.S. Supreme Court handed down a landmark ruling concerning a type of conduct called: “Symbolic Speech.” In its analysis of the case, the Court noted: “In deciding whether particular conduct possesses sufficient communicative elements to bring U.S. Constitution Amendment I into play, the Supreme Court has asked whether an intent to convey a particularized message was present, and whether the likelihood was great that the message would be understood by those who viewed it.” Texas v. Johnson, 491 U.S. 397, 404 (1989).

Now, although flag burning is a highly controversial topic, the Court did not specifically address the issue of burning the American flag. Instead, the important issue decided by the Court really concerned whether the man’s conduct, was protected by the First Amendment, as if his actions were actual speech. The case is an interesting example of how conduct can be interpreted, and how it's protected by law.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… I’ve been thinking a lot about conduct lately, and how our actions speak for us. Often in our relationships, we are unaware of how loudly our actions speak for us, and how they are perceived. I think it’s more and more popular for people to praise, and look up to, those who “don’t care what anybody thinks.” Like that mentality is somehow a virtue.

Many of our decisions are based upon reputation, which is literally what others think of us, and what we think of them. Would you ever go to a doctor that “didn’t care” what people thought of him? Don’t men break their piggy banks so that women will say: “Oh, look at his shoes/car/clothes… he must be somebody!! Nice watch too.” Don’t women get all dressed up to convey the message: “Look at me… don’t I look nice?” All of this is conduct to influence what other’s think of us. And in some form or another, it works on ALL of us.

But do you really know what your conduct is saying?

I had a long-term relationship where the woman actually believed that insane jealousy (and it was absolutely NOT reasonable at all) was a sign of love. I guess she believed it meant you cared and you’re protective of the wonderful person you have. In the end, she was more untrustworthy than I could have imagined, and looking back, her conduct spoke volumes. I definately watch out for her brand of conduct these days.

I can remember another woman I dated who constantly spoke of the “celebrities” she had bumped into. She said she knew them, but later I found out it was only bragging; she loved to say she actually "knew" someone famous if they bumped into one another at a party or private house and talked for a minute. This is a small world. She had no clue I knew it either. I also later found out she had been “blessed” to be one or two of those guys, “I'll screw you when I’m in town, but don’t call my real home number” girls. She had no idea her charm was not taken how she assumed it was. For me, it was a telling lesson in how people can mistakenly THINK they are being slick with their conduct, but yet have no clue of what people are actually seeing in them. I'll never forget her for that.

I can remember two or three girls who loved to “demonstrate” their independence by telling me all the men they slept with and showing me their wild actions. How in the world is this supposed to turn me on? These were women that were actually interested in me, but couldn't figure out why I didn't share a mutual interest. Talk about misunderstanding their own conduct. I guess going out and freaking every man in front of me seemed like a good idea at the time. I’m assuming it probably worked for them in the past. But believe me, I took that conduct a different way.

Conduct can be EASILY misinterpreted. For instance, you can’t tell the worthwhile potential in a mate by how much professional success they’ve achieved. It’s not wholly unimportant, but good luck using it as your only measuring stick. You might find a woman who just might be well-mannered/pleasant-spoken and at the same time cruel. There's nothing worse than someone who is "nice" only in speech and manners. A man may ACT “confident” because he's overcompensating for his insecurities. The whole false-confidence thing easily works on a lot of women. How often have you heard a woman say: "Wow... he's just so... confident?"

So my thought is this: Do you really know what your conduct is saying? And do you really understand what your partner is telling you with their actions?

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

As you all know, I am into running. Actually I try run away from my own thoughts. When somebody runs 6 miles under 55 minutes it leaves all kind of pains that there is little room to think about bothersome stuff.

While I was running today a guy came up to me and asked if it was OK he and his dog could join me.

I looked at him and smiled then told him I was listening to the radio. He asked me stop for second. I do not know why but I did. He looked at my eyes and told me: “There is nothing damn interesting in that damn radio” I was WOW. What an ass!!! He was sort of cute!!! If he could know how to handle rejection.

I kept thinking about him the rest of the time while I was running. What would cause somebody to say something like this to a stranger? REJECTION

I thought about the effect of rejection. Knowing how to handle rejection in any relationship is a key for development of it. Most problem of human comes from not knowing how to handle rejection. For example honey I cannot go with you shopping. Hun, I really do not want your boys to hang around house 24/7. I really do not want to get phone call from you between such and such hours. You would be supprised how many people fight over a simple rejection. {put your own story here or put on comments}

We all have our own way dealing with rejection. Learning how to handle rejection can be a useful tool for a person to understand her/himself. Rejection is hard by all means. It sucks when we stand head to head with rejection at the love department.

HOW DO U HANDLE REJECTION?

No_the_Game

An internal complication is not the most pleasing feeling. I donot know if it is the life brings all these or it is my own choice. If it is a choice I want to learn how to avoid complication. I have heard people live by thier own choices. But I do not want have choices that leads to complications.

ME & MY INTERNAL FIGHT

Here is you again. Why are you coming back and leaving whenever you want? The bigger question is why on the green earth I am I letting you in and out of my life as if I have no power over it? When I see your name on my Caller ID my heart pounds. Your phone call evokes unpleasant and strangely joyful feelings.

It brings me anxiety that rushes through my heart and brain. At that second your presence cause a conflict within me. My heart says pick up the phone, my brain firmly alarms me: “Look back and think where is it leading!” If I answer I have ever-lasting conflict in my mind for days, perhaps weeks.

Yes, I find power within myself to ignore your phone call. Whom am I cheating? If do not pick it up, I know I will be returning it. The next second here I am : dialing your number. While I am listening to you I realize I am not that jaded an ironed heart lady. Your have some power over me, which is not pleasant at all. While I am listening to you, I am trying to read between your words. I am not listening to the things you are telling me but I am listening to hear what you are not telling me. Am I in love? I do not think so. Then why I cannot avoid picking up your phone call.

As soon as I hang up the phone I promise myself: "That is it. It is the last time I ever talked to this person" I do not remember anymore how many times I broke my own promises. I have power not to call you but I do not have power not to answer.

You gone now and I do not know what is the next time we will be talking again. It used to take me weeks to get over. Nowadays it takes days, maybe a day, for me to go back normal life. A life where I do not think about you till I see your name on my Call ID. As soon as my internal battle is over here you again knocking my door: Caller ID- Ur name. I am asking myself a same question: "Gosh, Am I going to answer him again?"

Who are you? How come you can influence me the way you do? Where do you get that power? Am I the one who created the power? Now I am a slave of my own creature. When I listen others suggestions it seems doing no good for the situation or for me. It just causes more problems for me. I cannot give all details to others to judge and half information also does not bring a fair judgment. I refuse to accept reality but then where this complication comes from. I know it is not a love because I know it. I know it will not work. I can not find a solution that will resolve my internal complication. I know one thing clrealy I DO NOT LOVE YOU . I do not want to love you.

So question is am I in love?

WHAT ARE YOU MINING FOR?

On January 24th, 1848, James Marshall and his men were building a saw mill in Coloma, California, but they also found something else while they were there: GOLD.

By 1849, the next year, the California Gold Rush had become a craze, with people flocking to the rural Western territory, by the thousands, in hopes of finding what they WANT. The newcomers were aptly named the “49ers.” Thousands flocked to California with hopes of finding their GOLD.

Today, Marshall’s find is so much a part of the history of America, and California, that San Francisco even named its professional football team the 49ers.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… my father called me the other day and we had a really long conversation. I love him dearly. I don’t think I could ever quantify the value of the guidance he has given me in my professional and daily life. It’s been an asset to have someone who gives advice, not only out of love, but also out of wisdom. It’s a tough act to follow. But he also lets me know that the choices that made him the man he is today sometimes came from the lessons learned by the foolish young man he once was.

During the conversation, my father asked me: “Son… you found yourself a little girl out there in Chicago yet?” I skirted around the question a bit, not really wanting to get into the topic. Usually, our recent conversations have been more serious, so it seemed a bit out of the blue. But finally, I answered him: “Naw dad… I suppose I’m not really in the mood to meet someone serious.” So he answered me: “Son… I understand. But you can’t take yourself out of the game.” And we laughed a bit about men, women and dating in general. Then he finally said to me: “Son… remember, I understand how tough it is to find a good woman. But keep one thing in mind…

YOU CAN’T FIND GOLD IN A SILVER MINE.”

So… how does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

After I was done laughing, when I got off the phone I started thinking about the common-sense wisdom and meaning in those words.

His words left me with a more important question I have for myself: Do I know GOLD when I see it?

When I think of the unsuccessful relationships in my life, and those that I have witnessed from the sidelines, I often wonder why we sometimes greatly miscalculated the mettle of our mates.

Sometimes it seems so easy to see the fool in others. But what about the fool in ourselves that can emerge when we're dealing with matters of the heart? I'm sure many of us have asked: “Why the hell is my friend fooling with that woman/man?” I’m sure we’ve all seen a few of those train-wrecks masked as relationships before. And I’m sure some of us have been through one or two ourselves.

I suppose I’m wondering more and more if I’ve been hoping to find GOLD in a saw mill. I suppose it's possible to find GOLD in a saw mill, James Marshall did. But how often does THAT happen? And then again, Mr. Marshall wasn't actually looking for GOLD when he found it, he just knew how to recognize it.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

Addition/Correction: When I talk about attention in this article, I used attention in the context of giving attention to involved people's needs. Not in the context of gaining any attention from opposite sex. I meant if you are involved with somebody it does not matter which way it is delivered to meet your needs. The key here is NEED. Ones needs can be completely different than others.

While I was running past weekend I was thinking if genuine attention is better than attention that is being given out of courtesy in love relationships. When we get into relationship we want to get full package: respect, love, connection, undertanding and etc. I think if there is an attempt to show all that, it is satisfactory. We demand all of that too early, especially if we find the person physically attractive or find something in the person we appreciate. After almost hours trying to find answer the question I found answer relies heavily on the nature of relationship. Sometimes we do things to make people feel happy, respected or feel good. Why cannot we do the same when it comes to a man and woman relationship? Sometimes we feel offended when we think, speculate or conclude that is the case.

If you are just dating or getting to know somebody I think it should be satisfactory if a person is doing it out of courtesy or doing it to make you feel good. People just expect too much or want too much very quickly. For the matter of fact unless you are married or engaged any forms of attention should be acceptable. Let me change it. It should be acceptable in any situation. But for emotional people it might be a dry approach but it works. Because the feeling that is generated is the same regardless how that attention was paid unless one makes him/herself think otherwise. Oh, s/he does it for the sake of being polite… How pathetic!!!

However, it should be more genuine when one is married or engaged under the assumption that person really cares and loves the person they married or engaged. Attention, respect is provoked by the deeper feelings, at least that what I think. When you love deeply attention, respect comes with it.

If one does get genuine attention or attention out of courtesy then why to worry the nature of it. Most of us do not realize we do have an option. It is amazing if we start thinking we can conclude we have an option almost for everything we do but death and taxes.

You have option to deal with anything in love department or leave it. If you leave it is over. If you do not want to leave and stick around and see one ADVICE: Never worry or upset yourself with the thing you have absolutely no power or control over.

I would like to know what you think or which one do you refer?

Luv,
Genuine _Love_Preacher

P.S One clarification . I am not preaching on take what you get. What I am saying is this: You have an option and do not be too demanding. If is it your nature to demand then you should move on do not hang on the things with the hope you will change situation.

THE VALUE OF A JUDGMENT, pt. I

As the days and years go by, I learn more and more how to differentiate my NEEDS from my WANTS. Like any other human-being, my WANTS are potentially limitless. But I have also learned that it’s easy to confuse WANTS with NEEDS. I’ve found that we often desperately, and with our whole heart, WANT all kinds of things that don’t add VALUE to our lives; many of these things are even far beyond the remote boundaries of our most peripheral NEEDS.

Thinking back, I look to the things I so desperately WANTED, which are now so unimportant to me, and I now see the flaws in my systems of judgment. So now, I’m re-establishing, rebuilding and reviewing the manner in which I make:

VALUE JUDGMENTS.

But first, I’ll start with a workable definition. The good folks who give us the American Heritage dictionary define a "VALUE JUDGEMENT" as: “A JUDGEMENT that assigns a VALUE, as to an object or action; a subjective evaluation." However, to provide a clearer view of MY concept of a VALUE JUDGMENT, I’ll add: “…or behavior or trait or quality in another person.”

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… I think most people misunderstand the VALUE we place upon the qualities, traits and images we see in others. It’s a strange and almost overwhelming realization to find that some of the things you thought which once had a high VALUE are not particularly important to your life.

For instance, they say: “You can tell a lot about a man by his shoes.” I often laugh at that. I laugh because the only thing you can really tell is that the guy heard that saying before. NOW, THAT'S NOT TO SAY THAT THERE IS NO VALUE IN FINDING SOMEONE WHO IS DETAIL-ORIENTED IN THEIR LIFE. PERSONALLY, I PREFER SOMEONE THAT HAS THEIR LIFE TOGETHER. SO PLEASE, PICKING A SLOB/BUM IS USUALLY NOT A REASONABLE CHOICE; WE DON’T NEED TO CONTEMPLATE THOSE EXTREMES. Like the old folks say: The devil is in the detail. Details can create an accurate perception and be extremely helpful…or they can be misleading and lure you into misjudgment.

If details are what you VALUE and what impresses you when you see someone, you might need to find out the answer to this question: If this guy/girl is detail-oriented in their appearance (physical or professional or otherwise), are they detail-oriented in the SUBSTANTIVE aspects that build/maintain a workable relationship?

Through my own misjudgments, and by watching people around me, I see how people VALUE and seek details I doubt will enhance the substance of a serious relationship. The mistake comes from the ASSUMPTIONS we THINK we can make based on those things we VALUE. I’ll toss a few out there: 1) He has to be this tall; 2) Her breasts have to be this big; 3) He has to work in this industry; 4) She has to be into that type of music; 5) He has to dance like this; 6) She has to approach life that way; 7) He/She has to identify with these things I’ve been through in my life; 8) He/She has to have this kind of “Stylish-Life” (see my September 04, 2005 posting) …. and so on.

The problem: SUCESSS IN ONE PORTION OF SOMEONE’S LIFE DOES NOT MEAN THAT SUCCESS HAS PERMEATED THROUGH THE REST OF THEIR LIFE. Although, DO NOT take that as an endorsement of seeking failure or finding someone who dreams and doesn’t take care of business. To me, that's not REASONABLE.

Like many of those in the dating pool, I’ve had my share of heart-break because I wasn’t mature enough or experienced enough to VALUE the SUBSTANCE of the things that are important to building a LIFE. I gave too much priority and attention to first looking for the alluring traits and qualities I used to OVER-VALUE.

In a potential mate, I NEED: 1) a woman who has a concept of being in a FAMILY; 2) a woman who will help raise OUR children with OUR shared morals and values in life; 3) a woman who is ABLE to be part of a family; 4) a woman who believes and practices the discipline of FIDELITY; 5) a woman who is REASONABLE; 6) a woman who can be RATIONAL when we have a problem to solve; 7) a woman who is consicous AND respectful of the FAITH and TRUST I give when I am in love... and so on.

There’s nothing like losing someone who once meant the world to you and then finding out you VALUED things in them that weren’t important in the long-run. Often, it’s worse than a death in the family. In death, there is the eventual solace of knowing there was a cause and effect… no matter how unfair that cause may be. When your heart crumbles to pieces, you are often left with questions of “why” and “what happened” that will NEVER be answered with ANY true measure of satisfaction.

It hurts like hell to learn that your VALUE JUDGMENTS are what create a HUGE portion of your unhappiness with your CHOICE in a mate, especially when you THINK you NEED what you WANT to VALUE.

So I wonder… how many of our heartbreaks could have been avoided with a clearer view of what we NEED to VALUE, as opposed to what we WANT to VALUE?

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo