THE THINGS WE DO: THE SPEECH IN OUR ACTIONS

In 1984, while the Republican National Convention was taking place in Dallas, Texas, a man burned an American flag in front of the Dallas City Hall to protest the policies of President Ronald Regan and also to protest some Dallas-based corporations. At that time, under Texas law, a person could be found guilty of a criminal offense if he/she, “intentionally or knowingly desecrates … a state or national flag.” A Texas trial court convicted him, and he appealed all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court.

On appeal, the U.S. Supreme Court handed down a landmark ruling concerning a type of conduct called: “Symbolic Speech.” In its analysis of the case, the Court noted: “In deciding whether particular conduct possesses sufficient communicative elements to bring U.S. Constitution Amendment I into play, the Supreme Court has asked whether an intent to convey a particularized message was present, and whether the likelihood was great that the message would be understood by those who viewed it.” Texas v. Johnson, 491 U.S. 397, 404 (1989).

Now, although flag burning is a highly controversial topic, the Court did not specifically address the issue of burning the American flag. Instead, the important issue decided by the Court really concerned whether the man’s conduct, was protected by the First Amendment, as if his actions were actual speech. The case is an interesting example of how conduct can be interpreted, and how it's protected by law.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… I’ve been thinking a lot about conduct lately, and how our actions speak for us. Often in our relationships, we are unaware of how loudly our actions speak for us, and how they are perceived. I think it’s more and more popular for people to praise, and look up to, those who “don’t care what anybody thinks.” Like that mentality is somehow a virtue.

Many of our decisions are based upon reputation, which is literally what others think of us, and what we think of them. Would you ever go to a doctor that “didn’t care” what people thought of him? Don’t men break their piggy banks so that women will say: “Oh, look at his shoes/car/clothes… he must be somebody!! Nice watch too.” Don’t women get all dressed up to convey the message: “Look at me… don’t I look nice?” All of this is conduct to influence what other’s think of us. And in some form or another, it works on ALL of us.

But do you really know what your conduct is saying?

I had a long-term relationship where the woman actually believed that insane jealousy (and it was absolutely NOT reasonable at all) was a sign of love. I guess she believed it meant you cared and you’re protective of the wonderful person you have. In the end, she was more untrustworthy than I could have imagined, and looking back, her conduct spoke volumes. I definately watch out for her brand of conduct these days.

I can remember another woman I dated who constantly spoke of the “celebrities” she had bumped into. She said she knew them, but later I found out it was only bragging; she loved to say she actually "knew" someone famous if they bumped into one another at a party or private house and talked for a minute. This is a small world. She had no clue I knew it either. I also later found out she had been “blessed” to be one or two of those guys, “I'll screw you when I’m in town, but don’t call my real home number” girls. She had no idea her charm was not taken how she assumed it was. For me, it was a telling lesson in how people can mistakenly THINK they are being slick with their conduct, but yet have no clue of what people are actually seeing in them. I'll never forget her for that.

I can remember two or three girls who loved to “demonstrate” their independence by telling me all the men they slept with and showing me their wild actions. How in the world is this supposed to turn me on? These were women that were actually interested in me, but couldn't figure out why I didn't share a mutual interest. Talk about misunderstanding their own conduct. I guess going out and freaking every man in front of me seemed like a good idea at the time. I’m assuming it probably worked for them in the past. But believe me, I took that conduct a different way.

Conduct can be EASILY misinterpreted. For instance, you can’t tell the worthwhile potential in a mate by how much professional success they’ve achieved. It’s not wholly unimportant, but good luck using it as your only measuring stick. You might find a woman who just might be well-mannered/pleasant-spoken and at the same time cruel. There's nothing worse than someone who is "nice" only in speech and manners. A man may ACT “confident” because he's overcompensating for his insecurities. The whole false-confidence thing easily works on a lot of women. How often have you heard a woman say: "Wow... he's just so... confident?"

So my thought is this: Do you really know what your conduct is saying? And do you really understand what your partner is telling you with their actions?

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo