I have heard people live by thier own choices. But I do not want have choices that leads to complications.ME & MY INTERNAL FIGHT
Here is you again. Why are you coming back and leaving whenever you want? The bigger question is why on the green earth I am I letting you in and out of my life as if I have no power over it? When I see your name on my Caller ID my heart pounds. Your phone call evokes unpleasant and strangely joyful feelings.
It brings me anxiety that rushes through my heart and brain. At that second your presence cause a conflict within me. My heart says pick up the phone, my brain firmly alarms me: “Look back and think where is it leading!” If I answer I have ever-lasting conflict in my mind for days, perhaps weeks.
Yes, I find power within myself to ignore your phone call. Whom am I cheating? If do not pick it up, I know I will be returning it. The next second here I am : dialing your number. While I am listening to you I realize I am not that jaded an ironed heart lady. Your have some power over me, which is not pleasant at all. While I am listening to you, I am trying to read between your words. I am not listening to the things you are telling me but I am listening to hear what you are not telling me. Am I in love? I do not think so. Then why I cannot avoid picking up your phone call.
As soon as I hang up the phone I promise myself: "That is it. It is the last time I ever talked to this person" I do not remember anymore how many times I broke my own promises. I have power not to call you but I do not have power not to answer.
Yes, I find power within myself to ignore your phone call. Whom am I cheating? If do not pick it up, I know I will be returning it. The next second here I am : dialing your number. While I am listening to you I realize I am not that jaded an ironed heart lady. Your have some power over me, which is not pleasant at all. While I am listening to you, I am trying to read between your words. I am not listening to the things you are telling me but I am listening to hear what you are not telling me. Am I in love? I do not think so. Then why I cannot avoid picking up your phone call.
As soon as I hang up the phone I promise myself: "That is it. It is the last time I ever talked to this person" I do not remember anymore how many times I broke my own promises. I have power not to call you but I do not have power not to answer.
You gone now and I do not know what is the next time we will be talking again. It used to take me weeks to get over. Nowadays it takes days, maybe a day, for me to go back normal life. A life where I do not think about you till I see your name on my Call ID. As soon as my internal battle is over here you again knocking my door: Caller ID- Ur name. I am asking myself a same question: "Gosh, Am I going to answer him again?"
Who are you? How come you can influence me the way you do? Where do you get that power? Am I the one who created the power? Now I am a slave of my own creature. When I listen others suggestions it seems doing no good for the situation or for me. It just causes more problems for me. I cannot give all details to others to judge and half information also does not bring a fair judgment. I refuse to accept reality but then where this complication comes from. I know it is not a love because I know it. I know it will not work. I can not find a solution that will resolve my internal complication. I know one thing clrealy I DO NOT LOVE YOU . I do not want to love you.
Who are you? How come you can influence me the way you do? Where do you get that power? Am I the one who created the power? Now I am a slave of my own creature. When I listen others suggestions it seems doing no good for the situation or for me. It just causes more problems for me. I cannot give all details to others to judge and half information also does not bring a fair judgment. I refuse to accept reality but then where this complication comes from. I know it is not a love because I know it. I know it will not work. I can not find a solution that will resolve my internal complication. I know one thing clrealy I DO NOT LOVE YOU . I do not want to love you.
So question is am I in love?
14 comments:
Life does not bring you anything. You bring you things. People bring you things, but life does nothing but offer the opportunity to experience all things. Would you not agree?
As far as this internal fight. You refusal to acknowledge something does not mean it is not true. If you love this person, but hate that you love him, well that is something many people go through on a regular basis.
Love does not always work out, love can be a great deal of sorrow. That is the first principle as well. The human condition is sorrow.
GURL I HEAR YA.....I HAVE AN INTERNAL BATTLE GONE ON NOW, ITS BEEN GONE ON FOR A WHILE....I CAN TOTLLY RELATE..
prata
It is not love. If it was not I would not be doing a lot of things I do. But it is somethign occupies my mind. I do not think it is love. I think, something wrong with me. If this person were ask me marry him I would probably say NO NO NO. Then it is not love. I think I hate to see myself confused.
Daniella
I know one thing Internal Battle is something we creat. I am very good at controling a lot of things but in this case I can not. What an ugly sit to be in. I hate to see myself weak. He makes me weak not to feel in love. I am not in love. Maybe it is all ego.. Who knows?.
What you experience is not love..is just an obsession..you love your obsession, not the object of it..
Is almost like an addiction..you know is not good for you but still can't do nothing to avoid it.
Mind and heart are in conflict when the balance between them is broken.
I have been there too..what I manage to learn from this was that is no point in loving your obsession/addiction.And most important that no one can tell you how to get rid of it. You must find your own way of dealing with it.
In life we can take many fights, we can fight the whole world..is not easy but we can do it.
Still the most terrible fight is the internal one..That one is leaving the deepest scars.
Amber7D
I agree with you 10000000000%. I love my obssession. What is funny is that when I loved 1st time I loved exactly same way. I have not learned my own lesson yet.
Loving an obsession/addiction, is similar to saying that a crack addict is feening for his/her obsession of the drug. But that's not correct now is it?
So exactly how is this different from that? Well aside from the fact that we are talking about an obsession of a person I suppose it is different in that respect. Let's be honest though, you obsess over an object/person/whatever, you do not obsess over the obsession.
Obsession is a complusive idea or emotion; often unreasonable. By definition then you can not love an obsession. This is why you do not obsess unless triggered by -someone-, at least in this case. So then, if you take the person away the obsession is gone. If you were in love with the obsession/addiction, it would persist after the individual has ceased to be in your presence. But that's not the case now is it?
So please explain then, why the emotion does not persist without the person's presence. I'm failing to make the next logical step I guess.
Well I just had a thought! What is love? Apparently the dictionary defines it as: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
Or: A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
Looking over the post again I read, "When I see your name on my Caller ID my heart pounds. Your phone call evokes unpleasant and strangely joyful feelings." and then there is this: "While I am listening to you I realize I am not that jaded an ironed heart lady. Your have some power over me, which is not pleasant at all."
What is my point? You do not like being out of control. Your unpleasantness seems to stem from the fact that you have no control. That's really the only unpleasant thing you've indicated. You feel as if you're being controlled and worst of all by this person. You realize that you are not a jaded person. That's certainly not a bad thing. Being jaded is the curse of the world today.
"I know one thing clrealy I DO NOT LOVE YOU . I do not want to love you. So question is am I in love?" At what point does anyone choose who they love? When you fall, you simply fall you look around and there you are in love. Does it typically have a trail leading up to it? Yes, but you rarely see it as it's going on. So ask yourself that question again, and forget that it's not about wanting to love someone, it's about simply loving them. If everyone that didn't want to love someone were able to make that choice and go with it easily, we'd all be married to rich and beautiful people. That's not the case in today's society. What is the case however, is that cheating husbands are still loved by their wives, cheating wives still loved by their husbands for no real good reason other than love and people are fickle. Go figure.
Prata
U r right when you say life does not bring you anything. But life leads us. We do not lead life, right?
U r also right when you say obsession is unreasonable. Do not you think if love of somebody brings complication into somebody's life is unreasonable as well?
I see where you question is leading. Maybe my wording was not as explicit as it could be. I should have said my obsession about the person not for obsession. If this makes a sense?
I think loving somebody a choice. It can be avoided. Oh stop, what I am talking about? I do not think it can be avoided. I guess we love people when we relate. I guess we love people sometimes some part of that person soul, look, emotions, and experiences. I do not know. I know one thing I love strangely. I got to see myself in the person. That means I seek to love myself. Go figure.
I do not think cheating husbands and wife need to be loved. Sometimes ppl just close eye to it due to certain factors. I do not know how that works. I hope I will not need to deal with it ever. But never say never, right?
I don't know that you love strangely. I mean, what is strange in the myriad of people that love in the world? As people we all have a similar definition of what love is, but none of us answer the question of "How do you love someone" the same. Largely I think this is based on the nature of reality, which is subjective. Being that life is largely subjective and rarely objective I think it's a little harsh to say you love strangely. I think a better way to say it would be that you love uniquely, since that is true. You love the way -you- love. Not the way someone else loves. And there is just dandy with everyone else in the world I'm sure.
As far as cheating husbands and wives, well I don't recall saying anything about needing. I do recall saying that they are still loved. I didn't sall -all- either, we're speaking in generalities here.
I don't think you're in love. I agree with prata just because you don't acknowledge it doesn't mean it's not true.
I think we all go through internal battles. But I do not think you are in love. Maybe obsession but if you really loved the person you would say yes if they asked you to marry.
Marriage is not necessarily a sign of love. There are plenty of people who marry and are not in love. And then there are also people who do not marry and are perfectly happy in love.
Marriage is not a true test/measurement of love. My personal stance is that marriage is more a social convention and tradition than an expression of love. Speaking in generalities of course. That is of course a perception that some people have (marriage == love), it's just the subjective nature of life.
Personally, I do not think marriage is a necessity to quantify my love. I have not and do not intend to allow marriage to be leveraged against me as a tool for expression of love. My question really to that would be then, what proof does that offer of my love for you? The true answer to that would be, none.
Rell
You are right. I am not in love. I know that show. But I also know I am in to something :)
Ms Rose
That is at least society would tell me. I also do not believe you have to love somebody to marry that person. Love is one of the components of marriage but not the esential component.
prata
I agree marriage is social convention and tradition than an expression of love. It would be nice if marriage was based on love. The more I learn about how things work the more I realize that love is not the most important component of marriage. Sorry to say but true, reality.
Man, I really appreciate your input. I learn a lot from them. Very thought provoking.
You are right. Many marry for the sake of being married.
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