THE PILLARS OF A RELATIONSHIP: AWARENESS

The fundamentals, as I call them, seem to be the most difficult to find. By “fundamentals,” I mean those things that cannot be negotiated, because they are so important to your life, that you would end up compromising an important and necessary part of yourself if you gave them up. Now, while these non-negotiables may vary in form and substance, there are some that I think are timeless. There are some that are so important that without them relationships seem to fall by the waste-side.

But when I think about it, I suppose that sometimes I forget that someone has to be aware and conscious of the pillars in your relationship, or it just plain doesn’t work.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… I’ve been a bit down lately, so I called my mother for some of that good ol’ “Mama, we need to talk” talk. You know, the kind that always seems to make it just a bit better? I’m very lucky to have the kind of family that loves as unconditionally as anyone can. They’ll always comfort me when I need them, but they won’t give me that “Just follow your heart” B.S. when I’m pulling something that might not be in MY best interest. I love them for their honesty, and their caring.

So, I’m talking to "Mama nosthegametoo” and telling her about what’s going on in my life, and she tells me a story about a former friend of hers, one who is continually becoming more distant. She told me that looking back on their relationship, nothing had changed. Essentially, her former close friend was always an inconsiderate person. She just wasn’t aware of it. Well, I guess neither of them was; though my mother is now. Even though her friend still has no clue.

But the most important part of our conversation, that I took from it, came from our talk about awareness. IF SOMEONE HAS NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING IS WRONG, OR REFUSES TO ACCEPT THAT IT IS, THEY MAY NEVER UNDERSTAND. It’s one of those strange things about human behavior. We all sometimes have trouble looking in the mirror. But funny enough, in all too many cases, we're just not aware of it.

This in turn made me think of a situation my best friend had with a girl who was one of his only platonic female friends, at least one that close. She was deeply troubled. The death of her father, coupled with self-esteem issues always left her in a perpetual state of negativity and depression. Even so, he emotionally took care of her for years. He did so many little personal things that helped her in life, I couldn’t begin to make anyone appreciate it. I’ve known the guy since we were both playing with construction-paper and glue; she was lucky to have help from him and his family.

Strange enough, after at least 7 years of this, the moment she started to feel good, which ironically was during a tough period in his life, she turned her back on him. It was unbelievable. You really would have had to see it to believe it. I know that I was damn disappointed at that kind of selfishness. I was mad.

She had done this before, but never when he needed her friendship so much. He didn’t need money, a place to stay, or anything like that, just the love and compassion of a friend. But much to his surprise, it was inconvenient for her to be a good friend at that moment, so she didn’t give a damn. He let me listen (actually he was so PISSED he WANTED me to hear it) to the voicemail, and read an accompanying e-mail that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. Horrible. That's all I can say about it.

Funny enough, after her moment of strength and bliss feel apart, as it usually did, and she went back to her depression, which ironically happened to be about the same time that some fantastic things began happening in his life, she actually wondered why the door was closed to her. To this day, if you were to ask her, she would tell you this one-sided story about how my best friend turned his back on her in her time of need. It’s almost unreal that she really didn’t/doesn't see what she was doing/did.

Really, you’d have to have seen how much time he took out of his life, when he had important things to do, just to make sure she wasn’t lonely; he was there with nothing but friendship when she would call at night with tears in her eyes. From basic whinning to outright depression, he was there through it all (and I was too, because he would bitch to me about it; though he always respected her private secrets). He was the most impressive friend she'll never find again. I can't help but be shocked by her foolishness.

In my opinion, he might have been too considerate. He set more things aside for her than she'll ever know, just so they could talk. Hell, he even did it to me when I went to visit him. We had to bring this steaming pile of depression along one time too many for my liking.

I faked my goodwill and didn't show my aggitation, out of consideration for my friend. We're so close, that before I left, he gave me a hug and said; "Thanks for being understanding with the situation. 'Nos,' I'm sorry, but you know she doesn't have anybody." I did, and I know what he was tring to do. So, it wasn't much of a deal. Terrible she began the process of turning her back on him a few months later.

I suppose what I am saying is that people are strange when it comes to relationships. Sometimes, all someone knows how to do is take. Even their giving is self-serving. If things don’t go the way they want them, then it's: "Piss off, asshole!! You're not doing anything for ME at the moment. I have no use for you now. What do I need YOU for???"

It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, how long you’ve done it, or even if you're doing something to help them, if an ungrateful person feels any situation is not what they are normally entitled to have. In reality, they just plain couldn’t care less.

I've found that sometimes this can be apparent from their pattern of relationships. They always have the same problems with people, and they truly believe that it’s ALWAYS the other person. Fortunately, I'm actually learning from my experiences these days when I come in contact with this stuff, instead of "following my heart."

It's tough to accept that you've befriended someone like that, but I guess realizing it is part of growing up. Life is not always cute, and it's seldom loyal. But I'm sure most everyone has gone through this with at least one person, maybe plenty more. I know I have.

The scariest part: This isn't the first time both my mother and my best friend have offered stark warnings concerning this type of behavior. They waited for their friend, mate, or what have you, to be considerate simply because being considerate is part of who they are. They were living in a dream-world. Things never changed.

The saddest part: Those former close friends are still sailing further and further away, and they have no idea why. They’ll never know that they betrayed people who stood firm during the tough times. They will alway have an excuse for why close people keep sailing in and out of their lives.

Thank God it doesn’t rain forever. But when the sun starts shinning again, that doesn’t mean we forget what happened in the rain. That kind of reminds me of New Orleans. Is that strange?

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo