3.06.2006


THE PILLARS OF A RELATIONSHIP: AWARENESS


The fundamentals, as I call them, seem to be the most difficult to find. By “fundamentals,” I mean those things that cannot be negotiated, because they are so important to your life, that you would end up compromising an important and necessary part of yourself if you gave them up. Now, while these non-negotiables may vary in form and substance, there are some that I think are timeless. There are some that are so important that without them relationships seem to fall by the waste-side.

But when I think about it, I suppose that sometimes I forget that someone has to be aware and conscious of the pillars in your relationship, or it just plain doesn’t work.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… I’ve been a bit down lately, so I called my mother for some of that good ol’ “Mama, we need to talk” talk. You know, the kind that always seems to make it just a bit better? I’m very lucky to have the kind of family that loves as unconditionally as anyone can. They’ll always comfort me when I need them, but they won’t give me that “Just follow your heart” B.S. when I’m pulling something that might not be in MY best interest. I love them for their honesty, and their caring.

So, I’m talking to "Mama nosthegametoo” and telling her about what’s going on in my life, and she tells me a story about a former friend of hers, one who is continually becoming more distant. She told me that looking back on their relationship, nothing had changed. Essentially, her former close friend was always an inconsiderate person. She just wasn’t aware of it. Well, I guess neither of them was; though my mother is now. Even though her friend still has no clue.

But the most important part of our conversation, that I took from it, came from our talk about awareness. IF SOMEONE HAS NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING IS WRONG, OR REFUSES TO ACCEPT THAT IT IS, THEY MAY NEVER UNDERSTAND. It’s one of those strange things about human behavior. We all sometimes have trouble looking in the mirror. But funny enough, in all too many cases, we're just not aware of it.

This in turn made me think of a situation my best friend had with a girl who was one of his only platonic female friends, at least one that close. She was deeply troubled. The death of her father, coupled with self-esteem issues always left her in a perpetual state of negativity and depression. Even so, he emotionally took care of her for years. He did so many little personal things that helped her in life, I couldn’t begin to make anyone appreciate it. I’ve known the guy since we were both playing with construction-paper and glue; she was lucky to have help from him and his family.

Strange enough, after at least 7 years of this, the moment she started to feel good, which ironically was during a tough period in his life, she turned her back on him. It was unbelievable. You really would have had to see it to believe it. I know that I was damn disappointed at that kind of selfishness. I was mad.

She had done this before, but never when he needed her friendship so much. He didn’t need money, a place to stay, or anything like that, just the love and compassion of a friend. But much to his surprise, it was inconvenient for her to be a good friend at that moment, so she didn’t give a damn. He let me listen (actually he was so PISSED he WANTED me to hear it) to the voicemail, and read an accompanying e-mail that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. Horrible. That's all I can say about it.

Funny enough, after her moment of strength and bliss feel apart, as it usually did, and she went back to her depression, which ironically happened to be about the same time that some fantastic things began happening in his life, she actually wondered why the door was closed to her. To this day, if you were to ask her, she would tell you this one-sided story about how my best friend turned his back on her in her time of need. It’s almost unreal that she really didn’t/doesn't see what she was doing/did.

Really, you’d have to have seen how much time he took out of his life, when he had important things to do, just to make sure she wasn’t lonely; he was there with nothing but friendship when she would call at night with tears in her eyes. From basic whinning to outright depression, he was there through it all (and I was too, because he would bitch to me about it; though he always respected her private secrets). He was the most impressive friend she'll never find again. I can't help but be shocked by her foolishness.

In my opinion, he might have been too considerate. He set more things aside for her than she'll ever know, just so they could talk. Hell, he even did it to me when I went to visit him. We had to bring this steaming pile of depression along one time too many for my liking.

I faked my goodwill and didn't show my aggitation, out of consideration for my friend. We're so close, that before I left, he gave me a hug and said; "Thanks for being understanding with the situation. 'Nos,' I'm sorry, but you know she doesn't have anybody." I did, and I know what he was tring to do. So, it wasn't much of a deal. Terrible she began the process of turning her back on him a few months later.

I suppose what I am saying is that people are strange when it comes to relationships. Sometimes, all someone knows how to do is take. Even their giving is self-serving. If things don’t go the way they want them, then it's: "Piss off, asshole!! You're not doing anything for ME at the moment. I have no use for you now. What do I need YOU for???"

It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, how long you’ve done it, or even if you're doing something to help them, if an ungrateful person feels any situation is not what they are normally entitled to have. In reality, they just plain couldn’t care less.

I've found that sometimes this can be apparent from their pattern of relationships. They always have the same problems with people, and they truly believe that it’s ALWAYS the other person. Fortunately, I'm actually learning from my experiences these days when I come in contact with this stuff, instead of "following my heart."

It's tough to accept that you've befriended someone like that, but I guess realizing it is part of growing up. Life is not always cute, and it's seldom loyal. But I'm sure most everyone has gone through this with at least one person, maybe plenty more. I know I have.

The scariest part: This isn't the first time both my mother and my best friend have offered stark warnings concerning this type of behavior. They waited for their friend, mate, or what have you, to be considerate simply because being considerate is part of who they are. They were living in a dream-world. Things never changed.

The saddest part: Those former close friends are still sailing further and further away, and they have no idea why. They’ll never know that they betrayed people who stood firm during the tough times. They will alway have an excuse for why close people keep sailing in and out of their lives.

Thank God it doesn’t rain forever. But when the sun starts shinning again, that doesn’t mean we forget what happened in the rain. That kind of reminds me of New Orleans. Is that strange?

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo

14 comments:

Deb said...

Oooh, first of all, get rid of these pesky spammers....this blog is way too good for that crap!

Anyway, I personally feel this is my FAVORITE post of yours.

I have to say, I can relate to this one. I've been drifting...wait...my friend has been 'sailing' away from me further and further....we both have actually, ... but the thing is, when she found a girlfriend (partner)...she got into this serious relationship and hardly ever calls anymore. My girlfriend and I would call her to hang out with us and each and every time we hung out, it was just ~strange~.....something in the air was off. It felt as though we were so inconvenient for them. So we are no longer friends anymore by mutual choice.

I also experienced dating a girl who never knew she was a very inconsiderate person, until I told her. (So wrong of me) but I was curious....so I asked her...and she wasn't aware.

It is SO true. I think it has a lot to do with the way people are brought up in life. They don't realize how much they may be hurting the other person.

Sorry about your mother & her friend. It's so sad to see such good friends part slowly. It happens though.

The same friend that I am no longer close to showed me this quote...(when we were buddies)

"People come into your life for a reason, a season, and/or for a lifetime..." ~unknown

Interesting that she would give that to me. Just thought I would share that with you.

Great post!!! (as usual though!!!)

o.flory said...

People change through life. Feelings change also.There is nothing permanent in life,not love,friendships,not even our lives aren't permanent.

So I think that what is done is done,and nothing can rewind the past and undone the hurt.
We suffer most when people that we are emotionally attached to hurt us.We don't get hurt when someone we don't care about do something wrong to us.

And yes,there are people who might say if you offer them an "ocean":"oh,just more drops please,this is not really enough".
And if you say sorry but is all I can give,turns back to you saying "yeah,you never done anything for me".

It is a fact.That is the human nature.

And is not our fault that people we care about and we would do almost anything for them,don't appreciate and turns back on us when we are down.

Friendship or love is not about I do this for you now and later you should do same for me.Is not like a contract or something.What I wanna say is that we shouldn't expect reward on love or friendship.

But when someone you care about hurts you and turns back on you on hard times,this means the person is a fool and doesn't deserve the friendhip,love or loyalty.And must be left behind like a dead end road.And no regrets.

Is no use to ask yourself why did I spent so much time and energy with someone that didn't deserve all that.
Why is no use?Because if is in your nature to do all that for people who you care,you couldn't possibly do other way.Is like doing the right thing accordingly to your nature and soul.

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

first of all the taker is always the taker! sometimes people give in the hopes that they will receive what they want in the end. these folks end up sorely disappointed when the taker continues to be who and what they are.

secondly. i drifted from a good friend over the holidays. i can see where and how my own emotional muck played into it, but at the same token as much as i miss this person, i hold the belief perhaps our separation has brought them peace, and peace is what i ultimately want for myself as well as anyone whom i've ever loved...

Chronicles Of The Sexy Fat Chick said...

Great Post. I am going through that with a person I thought was my best firend. Its seemed he use to be there and now I see it is impossible for him to be considerate. I have told him several times his actions are not of a friend. Now, we don't really talk. I realized I was his rock and he was nothing for me. He is going through a huge issue that had me depressed for a while, but I finally understand you are not meant to be friends with some ppl forever. I think we meet certain ppl to learn things and move on. Its up to you to get the lesson. Our time has passed, but I dont think he has learned anything.

lauren said...

I think what your friend did in that situation, and what your mom is allowing to happen, is absolutely the right thing to do. It is hard for us to recognize that a dear friend is toxic to us. It is harders still for us to consciously make the effort to cut them out of our lives.

When it comes to friendship, it can be easier for us to let our inconsiderate friends suck the life out of us than it can be to just let them go on their way. Probably because our fond memories and "what ifs" get in the way.

Awareness can be difficult to obtain and difficult to overcome. Sucks, doesn't it?

chele said...

In relationships, those involved tend to take on certain roles. Someone is the listener, someone is the talker, someone is the nurturer, someone is the giver, someone is the taker, etc. Very rarely will you find a relationship that is truly 50-50.

No, it's not fair.

Hopefully, if you have an open, honest relationship you are able to go to that person and say, "Hey! I need you to listen for a change!" and the person will listen. Your friend's friend was so surprised when he turned his back on her because for so many years she assumed the role of taker and he assumed the role of giver. It worked for them. In her eyes, nothing was wrong and nothing should have changed. Unfortunately, for your friend he didn't have another relationship with someone else where he could be the taker.

Piscean Princess said...

Great post. I agree with all of the previous commenters - people show you who they are very early in relationships. It's up to you to honestly open yourself up to see what they're showing you.

Another thing I think is important in the context of these often toxic friendships, is why this happens. I realized several years ago that I was REPEATEDLY entering into relationships with people that were extremely emotionally needy, had low self esteem, and always seemed to depend on me to make things happen in their lives. Someone pointed out to me that I was not at all a victim in these scenarios & that I needed to explore why I kept gravitating toward these people; what did I get out of the situation.

What great advice - that made me realize that I had inherited my mother's need to be needed. So when I ran across some pitiful soul that needed to be saved, I was right there, trying to pick up the pieces of their lives. Fortunately for me (after 11 years of friendship) the most destructive and painful of this series of friendships ended and I have been "toxin-free" ever since.

The journey continues...

Rose said...

I see life as a series of changes. Our emotions, attitudes, tastes, friends, jobs all change with time. But we keep going anad growing and meeting new folks and during new things. You can not undo the past just remember it. Remember people are really in our lives at different times for different reasons...

TTD said...

1st time here.. good post! i have one of those kinds of friends... it came to the point where i told her.. if she ever needs a friend.. im here for her, but im not going to break my neck or go out of my way to show her how good of a friend i am.. she'll have to realize that on her own

Brea said...

Great post as always. I have to disagree with you on one point. We SHOULD listen to our hearts. Our own intuition often tells us when it is time to move on, unfortuntely we sometimes have this need to hang on regradless. I believe if we listen closely, we'd avoid a lot of bad relationships in our lives.

Waddie G. said...

I'm actually with ms. ahmad on this...

nosthegametoo said...

@ ~deb:

I think you’re absolutely right Deb. People do come into our lives at different times for different reasons.

You know, distance in space and time can be a barrier, but not an insurmountable barrier. It’s when we find ourselves emotionally, spiritually, morally or perhaps with a completely different outlook in life, that the chasm in a relationship becomes too great to manage.

@ amber7dragonfly:

Though nothing may be permanent, we do try to take our deepest commitments with us throughout our entire lives, which include loyalty and fidelity to our relationships.

And though I agree that relationships are not quid pro quo endeavors, nothing is free. I think functioning relationships differ from selfless acts of charity in that respect and caring must be reciprocated. I haven’t seen a healthy and functioning relationship that existed without these mutual gifts to one another.

@ miss ahmad:

I agree that peace is what we all ultimately want for those who have received our love. I’m simply working on better assessing who is most deserving of receiving it.

And you’re right, you can’t change a taker or selfish person. They only return when they need to take again. Most have no idea what they are doing. Even their attempts to comfort are selfish. They really don’t understand.

@ chronicles of the sexy fat chick:

Unfortunately, someone has to be receptive to learning. Any school teacher, parent, pastor, professor, or so on... can tell us that. If your friend learned nothing by now, there’s a great possibility that he may never learn. It’s a crappy realization, especially when you have given the best of you to someone.

@ lauren:

You’re right Lauren, the inconsiderate can suck of life out of you and think nothing of it. But the great problem is that they feel entitled to do so because they have been allowed to do so. It’s something we should be aware of in a relationship.

@ chele:

Well Chele, their relationship never worked for them. My best friend was tolerant out of compassion. I think the inconsiderate are constantly surprised because they believe things are working when they are not. But fortunately, since he has been blessed with genuine friendship and a stable family, he has a point of reference, which is why their friendship had to end. It wasn’t healthy for BOTH parties.

Sometimes people simply have no reference, which is why they continuously poison their own relationships. Even some people with stable families just don’t get it.

@ Piscean princess:

We all live our lives on themes. It’s not a coincidence that the same things keep happening to us. We generally choose most of the things that happen to us, for good or for bad. But when you recognize and change broken patterns and relationships, you’re on a road to a healthier life.

At least, that’s what I’ve found. It’s a constant process.

@ rose:

Very true Rose. But like most people, I struggle to make change after the lesson learned. If you don’t change your behavior, then the knowledge we get from the past is useless.

@ TTD:

Sucks to have people like that around. Personally, every few years I “purge” those around me. I’ve let some close people go over the years. But strange enough, I don’t truly miss any of them. It just keeps me thankful for the ones who are still here.

@ brea:

I think of the heart as a guide, or an indicator; I don’t think we should ignore our hearts.

But the really hard work comes from the brain. The heart only points us in a general direction. I can recall countless excuses I, and others around me, have made for our poor decisions because we “followed our heart.” The heart can lead us in dangerous and unhealthy directions; the brain is needed to balance us and makes us learn from the failures of the heart.

Often, the heart wants to keep making the same mistakes. And while making a mistake is part of life, continually making them is a fool’s game.

@ professor GQ:

Personally, I’ve had enough with people who are continuously taking.

I feel you on that.

E said...

Really, spammers are bad!

It is sad how so-called friends only come around when they need something. I have that situation happen a lot, which is why I don't have many friends today.

In life, we'll always have a need for help from others. As independent as I pride myself on being, there are times when I do need help.

At the same time, though, it's nice to call once in a while when you don't need something. Just to see how a person is doing in general and talk the b.s.

E said...

By the way, I'm still waiting to hang out with you...what's up with that? *LOL*.