A Private War
“I’m crying everyone’s tears. And there inside our private war, I died the night before.”
Sade, “King of Sorrow”
I must admit that Sade has an amazing and uncanny ability to sing words and emotions straight from my heart. Honestly, she really resonates with me.
I was listenting to the song, "King of Sorrow" and it made me think of relationships. I suppose the above lyrics must have really caught me at the moment. Guess I've been thinking about the private wars that we all struggle with in terms of our relationships.
How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?
Well… I had the great and unexpected pleasure of seeing one of my two best friends this weekend. We’ve been through a lot together. You know, it’s difficult to explain to someone what it’s like to have a BEST-FRIEND especially if they’ve never had the experience. When you’ve grown up with someone, and been close with them upwards of 15+ years, you understand parts of each other that sometimes surprise one another.
The occasion that brought him to town was a wedding. His girlfriend’s close college friend will be getting married.
I was excited not only to see him, but to see his girlfriend. Both of my family and his family are close, and our respective opinions carry weight with one another. He was eager to find out my opinion of the woman he had been dating a year. The verdict: Solid.
Now, that may not be a resounding endorsement, but I have a reason for my reluctance. These are two individuals are from two ENTIRELY different belief systems in both religous and cultural terms. Now, I know there are people out there who are in the “just as long as you love each other” camp, but I’m not sure that’s enough. Reconciling incompatable pieces of your culture with someone elses is not an easy thing to do, and maybe an impossible thing to do if you can't reach common ground.
Personally, I’ve gone through the whole private war thing, in religious and cultural terms, more than once. Honestly, I’d like to forget about it. But the truth is, I always have to ask myself what’s most important to me. Truthfully, I’m not afraid to make judgments, I just wanna make the right ones. Obviously, I'm not of the opinion I need to choose FOR him, or even that I should offer my opinion if it's unsolicited. But, if he asks, I'll be the friend that he was to me when he once warned me about the danger of a relationship I had entered long ago.
My best friend genuinely loves his lady, but what do you do when you can’t reconcile spiritual issues, or cultural ones? Their respective positions on religon and culture are dear to both them, it's not some sort of "who cares" deal, because both of them care dearly.
Damn, it’s something to wonder about. Suppose it's just one of those private wars you have to wadge alone.
Peace and Love,
nosthegametoo
10 comments:
My partner and I of 12 yrs have cultural differences. The most important aspect of our relationship, and the thread that held us together for so long is that we had the same faith in Christianity. It helped us a lot, and we spoke a lot about it. I have to say, I would find it hard to date someone of another religion---YET---I would never judge someone or shun someone for believing in a different faith. I just can't spend the rest of my life knowing my partner believes something else. That's just me though.
Cultural issues are in my opinion more important to worry over than spiritual ones. Maybe I speak out of ignorance, and that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that. This is however how I have viewed and experienced relationships, some good some bad. Cultural issues tend to create tension. The reason for this is because cultural issues pervade your everyday life, how you function on the most basic levels.
How do you live with someone that offends your senses on a daily basis and likely on a minute by minute basis? For instance, someone that thinks it is okay to wear shoes in my house presents a problem for me. I find it offensive and dirty. I will continually find this to be a burden. I would also find it offensive and demeaning if this individual found it just peachy keen to fondle my katana. Their spiritual beliefs are very much not my concern, that is something they need to deal with on their own.
I no longer speak to a person that was once my very good friend. Why? Because his spiritual beliefs insisted upon demeaning me as a human being. People may not realize it, but you can not be someone's friend and in the back of your head believe they are ignorant because they do not believe the same things you do. You know there was a whole group of people killed off following that paradigm. I'm just sayin'. Speaking of no longer speaking to people, I'll be blogging about that today.
Prata said: "Cultural issues are in my opinion more important to worry over than spiritual ones."
I think it depends on each partner's value system. If you are not terribly religious, then you may agree with Prata, if you are more religious, then you may see things ~Deb's way.
how did you find my blog? I am Sade's biggest fan since 7yrs old...(is that sad?) anyway...thanks for the comment
I am going to be the big bitch, but I will simply say if those differences were really that important they wouldn't have started fucking around with each other in the first place. For real. My cultural is important to me so I am not going to hook up or date a man who doesn't come from or understand my culture. Not happening. Why would I do that to myself? One person always ends up compromising and I don't want it to be me.
09 27 06
Wow NTG: What an interesting post. I think that spiritual issues might be the most difficult to reconcile because of the question of possible children being raised in a particular faith tradition. But even without children it can be hard. What if you are a not so orthodox Jew dating a Hmong person? As I understand it, the Hmong diet has tonssssss of pork! And that diet has evolved over many, many generations. Now what about the Jew who is prohibited from consuming this food, which was a staple for their partner's culture?! I have seen things like this happen and I think the faith traditions sort of mold culture, so in a sense they are one in the same.
I hope your buddy and his lady are able to work out their differences. However sometimes, they cannot be worked out because the frames of reference are tooooo different. I suppose only time will tell. You have posed some very good questions.
09 27 06
Speaking of Sade: I have realllly been feeling her lately, particularly
"Hang on to your Love."
Nosthegametoo: why did they hook up in the first place if they are so different? If things are good and the party is on, you can fall in love with anyone. What matters are the hard times. Have they gone through rough times yet? I also think that if it’s just two adults: it might work despite the differences. But if they have kids the real test starts. Your values will be more important when it comes to raise children I think. Also when there is chaos (which seams normal for parents of small children) the only thing you have to hold on to is your base values.
just wanted to say i came across your blog and i like your writing. i'll def. be back.
and on the topic: i avoided a relationship because of cultural differences once. mostly out of fear of not knowing what to expect. and i vowed never to do that again. i think it's worth a try cause you never know if you'll be able to work those things out until you try it.
I'm a social scientist at heart, so this type of topic peaks my interest.
"Birds of a feather flock together" OR "Opposites attract" ... If you look around, you might notice that both are true. However, over and over again the data demonstrates that "birds of a feather" have a greater chance of long-term success. Couples with similar educational attainment levels are more likely to stay together. Couples within 7 years of each others age are more likely to stay together. Couples with similar religious, cultural ethnic, and socioeconomic backgrounds are more likely to stay together. The more you have in common, the more likly you are to have a long and happy partnership.
However, I'm also a big romantic. Love is a powerful force. Sometimes it's big enough to create a new way of acceptance.
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