FREEDOM, DEVELOPMENT & REALITY,
PART I
NOTE: Remember, this posting is about men, women and relationships. Please, don’t get side-tracked with the opening material, or your economic sensibilities.
In 1998, Amartya Sen won the Nobel Prize in Economic Science. He was awarded the prize for his contributions to “Welfare Economics” and “Human Development,” among other notable accomplishments. Professor Sen has been recognized the world over for his fresh thinking in the field of Economics. He has taught at the London School of Economics and Harvard University, among other prestigious institutions.
I find Professor Sen’s positions on the importance of “Freedoms” in “Development” extremely interesting. Professor Sen has argued that “freedoms are not only the primary ends of development, they are also its principal means.” Now, he is far from the first to promulgate this position, but he is among its most eloquent spokesmen.
Underlying his argument are the roles of various “Un-Freedoms” in restricting both development and Freedom. Among what he describes as an “Un-Freedom,” are those things that hinder development, including but not limited to the: freedom from premature death due to preventable disease, freedom from abject poverty, freedom from political/economic coercion, freedom to earn a basic and adequate primary education, and so on.
This of course made me think of the nature of Freedom and development in a relationship. I mean, what are the things that prevent us from effectively developing a relationship? Do we understand the role of Freedom in a relationship? I mean, maybe most people, myself included, have misunderstood the role of individual Freedom as a means to developing a relationship.
How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?
Well… it seems to me that many of us may be misunderstanding the concept of Freedom, as it pertains to developing a relationship. Individualism is a good thing, but is complete independence the most important thing to bring to a relationship? It makes me wonder if sticking out your chest, bursting with pride, because you’re independent, is part of being Free in a relationship.
It’s not unusual for people to take pride in their independence, but my question is whether or not it is the MOST important position to occupy. If your goal is to be able to tell your partner at the drop of a hat “screw you, I’m independent, and no one can control me or tell me what to do,” you’re probably in big trouble. Life is about relationships. Being alone doesn't work as well as some of us might imagine. People need each other. Men and Women need each other. Friends need each other. While this makes us more vulnerable, it also gives us tremendous strength when we are together.
What comes to mind is a conversation I recently had with my mother. She recently told me that she had dinner with a friend of hers who had what might be considered a whirlwind younger life through her 40's. She was unlike any of the women "Back Home" at that time. She was both as unrestricted and as independent as anyone could be. A career, several graduate degrees, and a slew of selfish and uncompromising relationships later, she is now in her late-Fifties, and alone. She has plenty of memories of fun times with men (married and otherwise), but when she crawls in bed at night, her independence doesn’t hug her and say: “Baby, I can’t imagine having lived this life without you. Through good times and bad, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.” It took her until almost the age of sixty to figure this out. Being independent and alone wasn't all she thought it was cracked up to be.
The difference between medicine and poison is merely dosage. You can have too much of a good thing. Independence in an important Freedom, but like anything else, it has its boundaries. I mean, after all, we aren't free enough to call yelling FIRE in a crowed theatre acceptable, are we?
Is it possible that independence from our mate doesn’t make us as free as many of us are lead to believe? Maybe like many double-edged swords, it is both a Freedom AND and Un-Freedom.
What about the Freedom to grow old with the wrinkled hand of someone who has put up with your bullshit for 50 years? What about the Freedom from being alone? What about the Freedom to feel and be needed so that we are relevant in our intimate and personal life? Do these Freedoms help free the soul from the debilitating burdens of depression and loneliness, or possibly give us a greater purpose in life?
It’s a lot to think about. I wish I had the answer. I wonder how my parents have made it over 35 years, and counting.
Peace and Love,
nosthegametoo
9 comments:
Independence is too lonely. Freedom can also be to choose to follow someone else's rules and to have that choice you're still independent but not lonely.
I don't know if that makes sense :S
My parents have made it 34 years this year. Makes me think of Babs: "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world." My co-dependant anthem. :) Jodi
I think you can be independent in a relationship and still have freedom.
You raise a good point. I think I let my independence go too early. I started a serious relationship at 18 which lasted into my mid-twenties. I missed many important years of my personal development trying to be what the wrong person wanted me to be. Now I feel like I'm trying to get that back. I won't make the mistake your mother's friend did but right now idependence is what I need.
The story of your mother's friend sounds like something a conservative would use to scare young women. You better not go around and have a fun life with lots of sex with different men because after it's all said and done you'll end up all alone and used up. Lol. Not saying that was your intention, but there is no reason your mom's friend can't try to find a partner now. Sixty isn't the end. Someone out there will appreciate all of her life experience. Having someone to hold your hand is great and who has put up with all of your bullshit, but there is something to be said about not having to put up with anyone else's bullshit.
60 is the new 40. And really, independence is only one's ability to think for one's self. You do not go into a relationship following blindly what someone tells you. Relationship (true relationships in the spirit of the word not the definition) are simply coexistence of two individuals. Coexistence is the ability to live with another human being (or within a circumstance with another human being) and compromise so that both parties are pleased. If your significant other is stifling, then independence leads one to seek other avenues of happiness (as in leaving the relationship).
Freedom and independence are not really the same, but they are certainly related. Freedom is the ability to put into action the independence that you have. If you are too weak to assert you indedependence that speaks of a certain character flaw. If you are too weak to assert your freedom despite your independence this speaks again of a character flaw, and you are just as damaging to your relationship as the significant other who is not fostering an environment of independence and freedom.
And as a side note, it's really important that people give up the notion that in order to be happy they must give up who/what they are. It is just this time of immature action and thougth process that skyrockets the divorce rate and the rate of self destructive relationships that people seem to have a penchant for these days and in the not so distant past. If you need assurance from outside of self that you are of some amount of worth (good enough to be asked out..good enough to be in a relationship...good enough to be of interest in any capacity to another person) then this speaks to yet another character flaw that must be overcome. You must be comfortable in your own skin to get by.
A good example of how our society has mixed-up ideas about relationships is this: The Police released a song called "Every Step you Take." back in the 80's. It is a very creepy song about a stalker. I assume you are familiar with it? Well, Sting was quite dismayed to find out that many people considered the song to be soooo romantic and some even used it as a wedding song!
On an aside, I heard a women call into a show one night and dedicate a song to her husband. It was In the Arms of an Angel by Sarah McLaughlin. I mean, how creepy is that, isn't that song about someone who committed suicide? Don't people listen to the lyrics?
I think independence is a mindset. i have felt more independant since I got married, not less independant. Having the rather spouse enables you to take more risks than before because you have a greater support network.
@ ‘liya:
I think choice is an integral part of freedom. We have to be knowledgeable and familiar with ourselves in an honest manner to have to ability to make our choices.
But you’re right. That is certainly one possible choice on the path to happiness.
@ Jodi:
Lol. I’m not so sure about the co-dependence thing. But I definitely believe that people need each other. As they say, “no one is an island unto themselves.”
@ Rose:
I absolutely agree with you. But I would only qualify it with this: do we really understand what “independence” is within a relationship? Many people don’t.
@ Brea:
If you have no sense of yourself, then it’s possible that you won’t have the capability to compliment a healthy relationship.
In your new-found independence, I hope you find the wisdom you need. For me, it has and still does take time.
@ Mizz JJ:
Often, the lives we think are possible for our elder years, when we are young, don’t pan out the way we imagine. I think that is with many things. Building a family at Sixty is not nearly the same as doing it when you’re young. That is what my mother’s friend was sharing with my mother.
I have my doubts that being alone is a fulfilling goal. And whether or not we wish to accept it, putting up with someone else’s non-sense is part of being in relationship. My experiences have showed me that if you can’t accept that, then being in a healthy and nurturing relationship is probably not in the cards for someone unwilling to do so, in the long-term.
@ Prata:
I wouldn’t suggest following blindly. I’m only wondering how the process of building a life with someone works. Being with someone means compromise. And contrary to many popular notions, that means sacrificing a portion of your independence.
My thought is that as long as that sacrifice is not a core fundamental value necessary to maintain your basic happiness, most things should be on the table.
@ Behind Blue Eyes:
Lol. I’m not sure why people take some of the things they do from art. Perhaps it’s in the eye of the beholder??
But I do think you might be onto something about people’s messed up beliefs in relationships. Unfortunately for me, I don’t have any answers either way. Guess that puts me right there with them.
@ Mark:
Sounds like you have much more wisdom on this subject than I do. But I tend to think that being together, as long as it is a healthy and functioning relationship, is not nearly as restrictive as many people claim or fear.
Thanks for stopping by.
Post a Comment