BURNING DOWN THE VILLAGE
NOTE: Remember, this posting is about men, women and relationships. Please, don’t get side-tracked with the opening material, or your political sensibilities.
I’m sure most of us have heard that: “All is fair in love and war.” If that’s the case, then love is truly a frightening prospect. Given the current state of geopolitics today, I’m sure most will agree that war is serious business. But then again, choosing a partner, or making a relationship last is also a serious proposition. So if both love and war are nothing more than a free-for-all, then as individuals we better make sure we have access to the best information possible and develop the skills needed to analyze that information in a matter that provides practical relevance to our lives.
Consider this quote that is widely attributed to the American military during the Vietnam War, which has now become a contemporary cliché: “We had to burn the village to save it.” Quite a confusing oxymoron, isn’t it?
I don’t know the origin of this quote, who it should actually be attributed to, or who was the first to promulgate it, but in any event, it poses an interesting paradox in the nature of war… and consequently, for the purposes of this post, for love.
How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?
Well… sometimes I get the feeling that in relationship terms, we can sabotage our interactions with others in what we THINK is an attempt to strengthen them. This is what brought to mind the quote about burning down the village to save it. I've found that we can fight so hard to protect what we believe is important, that we can unwittingly grip the relationship too tight.
I’ve found that we can sometimes do this unconsciously; I know I have. For instance, you might take space from your partner without helping them understand that the “space” is justified, and in your own self-interest, and not part of some slick, selfish or neglectful act. This can be problematic when it leaves your partner in the dark, because uncertainly in a relationship is a dangerous proposition to flirt with. Leaving things up in the air is damn near sleeping with fire.
Recently, I have taken time to myself to re-assess my life and some of my aspirations. I’ve taken time to be grateful to all the wonderful help I’ve had along the way, and re-direct my energy into becoming a more efficient person. It is my belief that there is always room for improvement, so I am currently under construction. It is also my belief that the greater person I become, the great contribution I can make to those around me, in life and in love.
In relationship terms, this has meant stepping back and taking a less emotional look at how and with whom I am connected with. Since we have such scarce time and resources in life, I’m putting much more effort into using myself, and the things in my life, in the best way possible.
Ultimately, since I'm in a re-orgainzing period at the moment, I don't really have a bottom line... or maybe I just don't have a point at all.
Either way, I'm trying to keep all the important villages in my life from buring. I have my doubts that burning them down will save them.
Peace and Love,
nosthegametoo
14 comments:
One of my favorite quotes:
"I don't think war is noble and I don't like to think that love is like war."
-Ani DiFranco
That pretty much sums up my sentiments.
We sometimes have to take a hiatus to really grasp what we want. I know that breaking up with someone that you were in love with can have either two outcomes: 1. Redirecting your heartache into something positive—ie: your writing and expressing your feelings and whatever positive thing you achieved after the break up. #2. You can live in the past and always carry that large burden of baggage along---so when you’re future partner/lover comes along, they’re blamed for the chaos that was once left behind from the ex.
“The Ex-Files” are tricky. Trying not to focus too much on the past, and not to focus way too much into the future is a strategy. Focusing on the ‘now’---the present time is key.
I think you’re on the right track in your journey to analyze yourself better; to know yourself better and to love yourself better so that when that next person comes along---you have that love within yourself to give.
I’m really impressed with your outlook on this. It puts it in a positive perspective. I really liked this post, because I related to a lot of it. I went through a hard break up three years ago, and I wrote a book that’s being published now—about self-help in terms of healing your heart after a break up.
Good things can come out of a negative situation. Be strong, and keep up the optimistic mindset!
I think this is my favorite post by you!
wow. yeah. you know, i can totally relate to that!!! that s what i ve always thought and thats why i thought that i wouldn't be in a relationship until at least 25 (i didn't want to wait so long but i realized it has a good side to it) but love took me by surprise, and now i am in the middle of finding out myself all these things that you ve been probably already through....but yeah, work is work and i won't shun it. i ll shed my fair share of tears and other bodily fluids ;-) and see what comes from it..... but taking time for yourself is totally worth the effort. what you invest is what you get. in the end, i believe....
happy to know this blog
one love
piranha
That post made me think of Pat Benatar's song...at least I think it's her song..."Love is a Battlefield". It's a battlefield indeed.
Both in war and in love you have to give yourself totally, i.e. you can't go to war without running the danger of being wounded or of loosing your life. You can't be truly in love without possibly getting emotionally hurt.
Your posts are always so deep. You make a sister think hard when I visit here. Yes love is a battlefield like in war you have to give your all to win, same thing in love to me.
I think this was one of your best, honest, heart-felt posts. I really appreciate it. "All's fair in love and war..." yes. and no. I always say, "all is fair until you play with human emotions".
"...We can fight so hard to protect what we believe is important, that we can unwittingly grip the relationship too tight."
Wow. Good stuff. You try so hard to make it work that you strangle your partner and the relationship itself.
I sometimes look back at the relationships I've had where I've fought to protect the state of the union, and wonder why I've been so compelled to do so. I think partially because I don't want to be in "another failed relationship" - kind of that "what's wrong with me that I can't make this thing work?!"
On the flip side, however, is that it takes two people to make a relationship work... and if you are both fighting to protect it, then you are probably working together, instead of against eachother. When you work against eachother is where the stranglehold occurs and the relationship suffers.
And where I've fought and failed, I suppose I can reason that it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe in the right relationship, we don't have to fight so hard?
The thing I love the most about this post is how easily it applies to so many common patterns in relationships. Your example of learning to balance closeness and distance or alone time and together time is a good example. I also thought about one of my own situations where my partner would keep things from me because he was afraid of upsetting me. He truly didn't mean it in a deceitful way, but after the fact, it was always damaging. For him, it was a pattern he had learned in his own family.
I congratulate you on your commitment to self-awareness and becoming the very best you can be. Whenever you do decide to open yourself up to a loving and committed relationship, she's going to be a very lucky woman.
@ brea:
It’s certainly troubling to view love as war. But then again, I wonder if people understand what either is, beyond some of the most obviously evident repercussions.
@ deb:
Strengthening ourselves from the inside out is difficult. We can often become too consumed with introspection that we neglect our world and partner. But we can also be too ignorant of ourselves and continuously repeat the same mistakes; too many of us re-live our themes to our detriment.
But either way, everything can be a lesson. Which is a positive thing. As always, I love your insight and the way that you clearly present your thoughts.
@ piranha:
Thank you for joining this long discussion on relationships and love. We’re always happy to have other share their experiences.
You know, I’m not sure I ever want love to take me by surprise again. My take on romance and love has evolved over the years, as most people’s will. I’ve found that we have a great deal of control over who we love, and how we love, though attraction can occur at what seems to be random.
I don’t have an answer to any of the questions or philosophies I propose, but I’m working my way through them. Good luck on your journey as well. And please, don’t be a stranger.
@ e:
Without a doubt, love can be a battlefield. Hopefully it’s a polite one.
@ emmanuel:
I think you’re correct. I would only add that you need the best information possible in both endeavors. Heart alone is not sufficient, in either case.
@ insanelysane:
Always good to see when you’ve joined the discussion. We all need to take time to know why we do what we do, and how it is affecting us.
@ rose:
I certainly agree that we have to give all. But when and to whom is the difficult question.
@ bougie black boy:
Thanks. It’s honest because this is what’s going on. And believe me, I appreciate the compliment.
@ lauren:
You know, since I haven’t found the “right” relationship, I don’t have an answer. But I’ve never seen a long-lasting couple that didn’t have to fight to stay together. I would say that pettiness is probably at a minimal in functioning relationships.
@ Theresa:
Thank you Theresa. Like everyone else, I’m still a work in progress.
I hate to agree with you, and quote a notable 80's pop singer, but Pat Benetar had it right. "Love is a battlefield"
i think we all need times in our life to just regroup. more power to you!
Hi nosthegametoo: nice blog! One of the hard parts - I think - is that we all come with different interpretations and "frames of references". I'm more amazed of how many good and loving relationships there is out there considering the communication gap when you take your (and your ancestors!) experience and try to relate to another person. Did that make sense at all?
"In relationship terms, this has meant stepping back and taking a less emotional look at how and with whom I am connected with. Since we have such scarce time and resources in life, I’m putting much more effort into using myself, and the things in my life, in the best way possible."
that right there... was exactly what i needed to hear/read. living life guided only by the heart is exhausting... and not always that wise. i think sometimes, for myself anyways, i follow my emotions way too blindly. irrationally. and that leads down roads i don't want to be on. so yeah, without rambling on and on, your words resonated most definitely.
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