Sexual Consent
Happy Belated Thanksgiving Everybody!
I was away from home for Thanksgiving and could not access blogspot. You are probably thinking what century are we at ? Funny enough, people I visited had a perfect PC and high speed Internet. I still could not access internet because of their “The secret CIA decktop” I call it “The secret CIA desktop” because it is monitored such a way I was not even able to get my g-mail account. Needless to say I was able to read your blogs and could not respond to any. OK , enough of my “secret CIA desktop”
I had a worse holiday event my life. I will write about it in 3 separate posts ( You are going to hear the horrible stores and how uncivilized I acted). Now, let’s get started.
Neither food nor the people who hosted me were bad. Everything was good but the person who invited me. I just simply have love & hate relationship with this person. I mentioned him on the pervious posts sporadically. He is somebody I used to love with my whole heart and looked forward seeing him whenever I got chance. He is somebody I used to tell a very secret part of my life. (Now he uses them against me) He is somebody who used to give me the peace, love and attention that would make me feel blessed.
Not a long time ago ( 6 months) I told him that I wanted to be serious with him and have a relationship. Since then everything is going down the hill. He mentally abuses me and even worse he thinks nothing of it. He became a nightmare of my life. I do not want to be with him or without him. I have heard people do not change over the time, their true face shows off after awhile. I am in a limbo where I can not tell which one was true him; a caring, loving person or the evil who acts mean intentionally.
I am no angel myself. I am a very selfish person. My selfishness stems from my childhood (He knows it too). I was abused and neglected as a child. I remember clearly that I used to swear that when I get old enough I will not let anybody to take advantage of me or take things away from me. So, sometime this self created trait comes off in my daily life and relationships. When I act selfish I try to compensate it or apologize. He knows I have changed for a better and I am working on my short comings.
The only question I have is it acceptable for him to act mean just because he wants to pay me back?
My mean behaviors are truly unintentional but his are intentional.
He tells me, he will treat me the way I treat him.
Do you think he is right the way he treats me even though he knows I am working on mine ?
With Luv,
No_the_game
12 comments:
I think we all have a certain degree of putting up a self-defense mechanism when we feel hurt or intimidated by someone. By him saying that he’ll treat you the same as you treat him- he’s basically believing that you may fear the treatment you get, if you react in a way that’s unpleasing. He’s trying to prevent it from happening. Is it right? No. But it’s the way some people tick unfortunately. We all try to protect ourselves, and sometimes hindsight is 20/20; it’s then we start realizing how bad that worked. If he truly wants you to see that people can treat you nicely, then he would be extra patient and cautious with his words and actions.
It’s what “you” can handle. Can you tolerate this treatment? I know you say you love him, but there’s a fine line between hate and love. (Hence the hate/love relationship.) Do what’s best for you, and do what makes you feel okay about yourself.
Hang in there!
It seems to me you already know the answer to your question. The more important question is, what are you going to do about it?
If half of him is "He mentally abuses me and even worse he thinks nothing of it. He became a nightmare of my life. I do not want to be with him or without him. I have heard people do not change over the time, their true face shows off after awhile." then is the other half really worth it?
A love-hate relationship only works (I think) when you love him so much that you hate him because of that.
I am not sure I would want to be with someone who is unkind. Bad things happen in a relationship, and it is nice when your spouse is kind in spite of the way he feels about you at any given moment.
They say two wrongs don't make a right, just like you can't badger your significant other to lose weight by making fun of them. Encouragement gets you the results you want, not being mean. If he wants a better you (since you admitted where it stems from) then he has to be a better him.
Treat people the way you want to be treated sweetie.
No the game: Why do you want to spend time with this person if he treats you bad?! And why do you want to be with a person who thinks you treat him bad? You had a loving relationship and now it’s changed. My advice would be to work on healing yourself instead of spending energy on healing a bad relationship. Easier said than done – I know. But exposing yourself to someone who treats you bad will eventually break you down and you’ll end up believing this person is right. Don’t go there. You are worth to be with a person who makes you feel special and who appreciates your love.
How he treats you say more about him than it does about you. The golden rule: treat others like you want to be treated. And with that said: don’t hang out with people who don’t treat you well – they are not well.
Take care of yourself!
Thanks you guys for responding and sharing your thoughts with me. I read all of them several times. I know at the end of the day I need to find what I want from my life.
With luv,
No_the_Game
I was thinking more about this post. It seems to me that if you have to ask if someone is treating you right, 95% of the time, they probably aren't.
About a year ago, a guy I broke up with told me that I was "high maintenance". Most of my friends were really shocked at his feedback, telling me that it wasn't true. Still, I took it to heart and thought about it WAY too much. Fortunately another friend reminded me that it's not "high maintenance" to be self-aware, to know what you want, and to expect to be treated well. THAT's what I see in you. I see a young woman who has grown a lot in the last 15 months. You are stronger and healthier than ever. Don't let someone else take that away from you.
Theresa,
I agree with you that if one starts to ask around if certain things in a relationship right then there is a problem. I know it is natural to ask around about relationship issues but once the issue starts hurting and emotionally daunting then it is time to decide. I had 3 serious relationship. One of them I had no issue whatso ever and all of the sudden problems started and ended the 4 yrs relationship. The second relationship I had way too many arguments over little things. So I decided to walk out of it. I kept a good relationship with that person and I still love him as a friend.
The 3rd one i am now and i must admit I had done serious damage to this relationship. I adimit that but still I think I should not be treated badly because I have a lot to offer and at the same time I am working on myself.
Now I gave myself a year to 6 month window to see if things can be sorted out. If not I will be my own and I promised myself I will not date ever till I am 32 or something. Then when I will start dating I will look something for marriage. Meaning no a long term let's get to know each other for 4 years before I say ' I do"
Theresa, what do you think about this idea?
He mentally abuses me-get out. All abuse is the same to me whether it is hitting, belittling, menatl or what..I don't think realtionships and being with someone you love should hurt and pull you down. If a person is not making you better you don't need them. Please know that you are too good for someone who hurts and menatlly abuses you. I too think you know the answer, make the decision and start anew..
No_The_Game,
I don’t want to imply that I think your current relationship is completely doomed. It sounds like you’re still hanging in there and I hope the best for you.
However, since you’ve mentioned the possibility of things not working out, I’m curious about your plan.
Why take such a big break? If you do that, it almost seems like you must really think it’s all about YOU being the one at fault, that you’re the one who can’t handle a relationship right now.
Listen, it’s reality check time.
Most relationships don’t last forever. They aren’t supposed to. If they did, we’d all be with our first girlfriend/boyfriend. (Yuck! If you knew who that person was for me, you’d be very happy that I improved my standards.) The thing is, we learn and grow with all our partners, even with the relationships that we label “failures”. However, I want you to look at this as a success. Whether this relationship lasts another 6 days, 6 months, or 6 decades, you should pat yourself on the back and take credit for having the courage and the strength to get back in the game and try again ... but, sweet girl, don’t give up. And don’t think you have to go into hiding for 4 or 5 years and establish strict rules for your future self. After a break-up, taking some time off from dating is very wise, but maybe you should think about why you’re taking a break, then decide how long that should be.
Be gentle with yourself. You deserve to be happy RIGHT NOW, not just in 5 or 10 years when you create the “perfect” you, and find the “perfect” guy and make the “perfect” relationship.
Love you ~ T
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