LOVE ON A DISTANT ROAD
When someone goes away, it’s hard. Distance is often a tremendous drain on relationships. Personally, I’m not a fan of long-distance relationships, I’ve been there before and the results have been terrible.
But physical distance is one thing, and growing apart is another. There’s nothing worse than growing more distant from someone: emotionally, professionally, mentally, spiritually, intellectually…or any other life changing ascensions that can distance you from another person.
There’s no sense in holding a candle for someone who will never need that light to return to you. I’ve often heard that: “Life is what happens while you’re planning for it.” All I need to do is think of all the unintended and unpredictable happenings in my life to know that mapping out reality in our own terms isn’t always as successful as we hope.
How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?
Well… often we choose to avoid dealing with the practical circumstances of our relationships. You know, that whole elephant in the living-room thing. Maybe it’s because our hearts lead us in directions our bodies sometimes should not go. Our hearts sometimes prevent us from saying goodbye because we want to hold on and try to mend the cracks we see in a failed relationship. While it’s possible to work on problems, if the problems are at the core of the person, it’s time to say goodbye.
There’s nothing worse than growing close to someone who is almost perfect. Now, obviously, the concept of perfection in a mate is a bit of a fantasy, but I’ll share ONE my definitions of perfection in a mate:
PERFECT: A person who shares, believes, practices and accepts the core fundamental values to your life, and holds those higher than personal pride.
Personally, I’ve seen problems arise in my relationships when I’ve been unsure about what my core fundamental values are. What are the non-negotiable in your life? And do you understand why those things are non-negotiable to you?
I took me a while to start understanding the difference between a fundamental core quality and some of the nice things I like about a woman that makes me happy. For instance, one of my fundamental non-negotiable is a person that is reasonable. We all carry with us remnants of anger we’ll held onto along the way, but as we get older, it’s important to realize that some pain must simply be released. It’s unhealthy to hold onto it like a child holds a comfort blanket.
My question is this: When did you learn that ALMOST perfect was far from it, or not good enough? How long did it take you to get over it?
Peace and love,
Tired of Dating Games
nosthegametoo
10 comments:
What a great piece on perfection. Our hearts' are a powerful influence on our relationships, and core values tend to fly out the window. A lot of things suddenly become negotiable when the "heart" feels threatened.
So...having said that, how do we find the "perfect" person? Is there really such a thing? Is life doomed to be a series of compromises? Is "perfect" something we should strive for?
Core fundamental values seem to be an area of confusion for many. Perhaps it's the heart (and the psychic pain it can produce) which masks those all important core values.
I am, unfortunately, ending a marriage where "almost perfect" turned into "nowhere near perfect". I learned a good ten years ago that almost perfect can be as bad as not perfect at all. My grieving for that portion of my life is pretty well over now, but it did take time....
@ Greg:
Thank you for stopping by and commenting.
I couldn’t agree with you more on the power of the heart to influence our relationships. Sometimes I question the nobility of using the heart over the mind. Why is that so romantic? Can romance be rational? I don’t know, maybe I’ll write a post about it.
And believe me, though I’ve never been married, I’ve done the whole “almost perfect” thing. It’s horrible. I liken it to trying to touch a mirage that just seems so real.
Please, don’t be a stranger. Thanks for your contribution.
My Grandmother always said, "Almost doesn't count."
This is true in everyday circumstances often so, of course, it's true in relationships which, when in one, is the core of our existence as your relationship should ground you.
But...more importantly "almost" being who you want to be is a factor too. You have to ask yourself if you're the person you want to be RIGHT NOW because THAT is who WHOMEVER is going to be attracted to. If you're "almost" where you want to be then you're gonna find someone who "almost" should be with who you will eventually be when you fully evolve.
Heck...I'm rambling. I hope you know what I meant. LOL!
@ CreoleInDC:
I think your grandmother gave you some valuable advice. I’ve found that almost really doesn’t count in my own experiences. Someone almost perfect just isn’t enough.
You make a great point about knowing who you are and who you want to be. There’s nothing like watching your partner wake up one day and finding out they’re a different person. Some of it is foreseeable, some of it isn’t. But I guess that if you’re not happy with yourself, you probably won’t have the ability to contribute your fair sharing of bringing happiness to the relationship.
Thank you for sharing. And don’t worry, I’m sure we all got what you meant, because I know that I heard you loud and clear.
Your contribution is very much appreciated.
My 2nd boyfriend was perfect. Or so I thought. It took him leaving me for me to discover he wasn't perfect. He made me feel insecure and unhappy with myself.
@ Miz JJ:
I think by the time we reach adulthood, most of us have had that girlfriend/boyfriend that we thought was perfect. I know I certainly have.
And I think you’re right. Most of the time we don’t realize it wasn’t so perfect until after it’s done. I mean, if it was so great, why did it end? Right?
Thanks for contributing.
My partner and I grew apart. It was rough, because it was definitely that white elephant in the room. But, the thing that I realized was, I didn't want to waste her life...or mine, on not being with that 'almost perfect' mate.
It depends on what someone considers 'perfect' in my belief.
Great post!
@~Deb:
I wish I had an explanation as to how and why people grow apart. It comes so slowly and over such an extended period of time that one day you just kind of realize it.
I also think it take a measure of wisdom to recognize when the time has come to acknowledge that there is too much distance. It’s a blessing that you had the wisdom to recognize it.
As always, your thoughts are well-received.
Perfection is only an illusion.
We are not perfect, so why can we think we can find perfection in our mates?..
In life we can find beauty, brief happiness, sorrow but perfection never, we just try to find it and lying ourselves we found it. At least this is what I think.
When we find what we believe to be the perfect man/woman, we forget that in time we change, what we like now we won't like in five years or so..and exactly is the case with our mate, who changes through time, like all humans do.
Is pretty sad but that's the reality, which "bites"..
Learning that almost perfect is far from it, can take a lifetime or maybe some years. It depends only on how much we can dellude ourselves and not see the reality.
Getting over it..that's a terrible thing to do if you put your heart and soul on something that is an illusion.
I don't have any answers to the questions in your post..I have only more questions about the whole thing in life we call "Love"..and the search for it.
@ dragonfly of the night:
You are certainly correct to say that we are not perfect. My thought is that rather than seeking perfection in the form of someone else, perhaps we should focus our energy on making our interactions closer to perfect. Interactions will also fall short of perfect, but we can definitely work on making them better.
Learning about finding “almost perfect” in a mate is tough. But it teaches us lessons. It educates us. From that, we learn what illusions we can and cannot accept the next time around.
Thank you, you’ve given me something to think about.
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