Note: The following post pertains to patterns of behavior over extended periods of time, not simply instances of indescretion here and there.
ARE WE WHO WE THINK WE ARE?Seems like everyone’s favorite mantra seems to be: “I am what I am”. Even Allen Iverson got into the mix with a shoe campaign using the same slogan. But my question is this: If we are so quick to accept that we are what we are, how are we so sure that we KNOW what we are?
How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of one another?
Well… seems like everyone wants respect without judgment. It’s always, “don’t judge me”, but “please judge me a good person”. To me, it doesn’t seem like that’s all too possible. Especially when you consider that the people around you have to JUDGE you as respectable for you to be respectable. Honesty, respectability, truthworthiness... these are not attributes we give to ourselves, they are things that others attribute to us through their JUDGMENTS. Or maybe we believe that people should only JUDGE us positively, never anything unflattering, even if it’s true.
To me, the rationalizations that people come up with are sometimes amazing. Sometimes, we even come up with our own redefinitions of words and phrases that are quite clear.
I was once told by an older and wiser man that people have to convince themselves that their lies are true in order to do some of the more reprehensible things they do. From infidelity to unreliability, doesn’t your partner always have an excuse?
DON'T WE ALL USE THESE EXCUSES???
It takes a cold hard look at yourself to go through the pain of making yourself more transparent. But first, we have to go through the pain of letting go of the lies we tell ourselves.
Do you lie, but don’t consider yourself a liar?
Do you deceive, but don’t consider yourself deceptive?
Do you cheat, but don’t consider yourself to be a cheater?
Do you whine, but don’t consider yourself a whiner?
Do you argue, but don’t consider yourself argumentative?
Some people say that “perception is reality”. I doubt it. Reality is reality. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you “consider” reality to be. Cheating, deception, lies… if these are part of your dealings with others, then hate to break it to you, but you’re a cheater, a liar and a deceiver. And last time I checked, these weren’t good qualities in a mate.
The choice is clear and obvious: Choose truth or lies in your relationship. And yeah, it’s just that simple if you make it that way. Generally, you can work out almost every problem under the sun with your mate. But once you think of them as unworthy of trust, that’s when the REAL problems begin.
Peace and Love,
nosthegametoo
10 comments:
I definitely think that people have their flaws and reasons for doing things in the way we wouldn’t normally handle certain situations. The biggest thing in relationships if you want them to succeed is to ‘forgive’. People will always disappoint us. We’re all human. From what I gathered due to the ‘tone’ of your writing, you sound angry. Now, I can be wrong, because text is weird with interpreting emotions, but I think maybe more people should let go of what has been done and said, hurt and misinterpreted, and just ‘be themselves’. Live life the way you feel fit. If you slip and fall, get back up. If you lie, apologize and start a new leaf. I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all said those little white lies or covered up something that was small—but does that label us a liar for life?
Infidelity can be handled in marvelous ways-----I totally believe that. If the person truly loves you, the person usually will not stray. But if there are problems lying within the relationship, or lack of sex, or lack of emotional support, then cheating can be the inevitable.
Each situation is different. Look at it with open eyes and an opened mind
Thanks for this thought provoking post!
Nosthegametoo: Deb expressed a lot of what I wanted to say.
Some lying/cheating/deceiving things I think will never be forgiven. Some I think might. The questions you posted are good. It also points out that our self image is very often skewed. My friends where surprisingly honest the other day when I told them how I see myself. Lets just say that my self-image was a tad bit off. Fortunately enough it wasn’t about lying/cheating/deceiving or anything. But still. It once again proved to me that we are so many people out there who have a skewed self image. Not to be confused with emotionally disturbed people who willfully hurt others.
If you have been so hurt by a person you have loved and trusted you might want to take a step back and look at yourself. What did you do subconsciously to “allow” this? Where there signs you ignored or missinterpetrated? If you are as hurt as you “sound” I guess you are leaving this person. Don’t punish yourself and the next person you fall in love with by being suspicious and untrusting, but do listen to what’s really being said. Trust your gut feeling.
I hope you feel better.
Then all people are liars...masters of deception and quite a few other things. Why? Because as children, we have all done some form or another of these acts in the process of growing up.
So then, that logic doesn't really seem to take fruition I don't think. Perhaps I'm misunderstanding.
Continuing on, it's rather interesting you bring up the idea of subjective verse objective reality. I am of the mind set that reality is subjective. I'll tell you why. Two people can wake up to what I perceive as a beautiful day. Grey cloud cover a soft drizzle..and one of them will say.."oh today is horrible outside, it's grey..no sun...fuckin' raning." The other person will say, "Oh, excellent. I won't get sunburned today. And my flowers are getting water. Nice day today. This is good!"
Are either of these people experiencing a lie or telling a lie? No. They are perceiving reality according to their state of mind at the time. This can also be true for more concrete issue such as how people perceive what other people do to them. A girl calls her boyfriend a couple of times a day. First call, to make sure he woke up on time for work. Second call, to see if he wants to go out for lunch or something. Third call, to advise him she wont' make their dinner day.
Now, one guy says.."shit man she is clingy." Another guy would say.."she's just taking care of me." Are either lying? Is one reality more correct than the other? No. That is what subjective reality is.
Deb said, "If you lie, apologize and start a new leaf."
Sorry, not to be argumentative, but I don't think that's going to work. If you truly want to stop, you are going to have to figure out WHY you're lying. This is pretty much true with anything you want to improve about yourself.
nosthegame said, "The choice is clear and obvious: Choose truth or lies in your relationship. And yeah, it’s just that simple if you make it that way."
Just because something is simple doesn't mean that it's easy.
Great post and I think we all to a degree judge and don't want to be judged especially by actions that can sometimes be spontaneous and therefore not a true reflection of us even though its us doing it (if that makes sense).
@ ~Deb:
I agree with your position on forgiveness. However, forgiveness comes AFTER you atone for the wrongs you’ve committed. I’ve found that people sometimes believe that confession, or just saying “sorry”, ENTITLES them to forgiveness. I don’t think that’s the case.
Often I wonder if people are a bit quick to use “problems” in a relationship, or “I’ve been hurt in the past” as an excuse for being a liar. To me, this becomes a problem when it comes to forgiveness. What happens when there are unresolved “problems” in a relationship that are used as an excuse to make other problems? I’m not sure where forgiveness fits in. If there is forgiveness, what happens when the same problem(s) comes up again? Another excuse? Another lie? It’s difficult to break those patterns. And how can your mate trust that you have?
But ultimately, you’re right; there must be a sunset period on anger. That is necessary for your own health, and the health of any relationship.
Thanks for the contribution Deb.
@ The Best [Chance]:
I don’t think we need perfection to have honesty. Truth be told, we’re all a bit inconsistent; maybe that’s the nature of interacting with others.
I have my doubts that we lie because the world has been set up that way by previous generations. All of us have our own self-serving reasons for lying. Listen to the excuses we all use… they’re generally pathetic when you sit down and think about the logic behind them.
I know mine are.
@ Åsa:
I think most of us have trouble seeing ourselves from the outside. Consistency and honesty isn’t easy, because there are so many reasons and excuses we can use to justify the inconsistencies in our behavior.
I suppose it takes time and effort to learn about not only our partner, but ourselves.
@ prata:
Reality often isn’t as subjective as we’d like to make it.
For instance, what if I call a pencil a pen? I can justify it by looking at its function and properties which are similar to that of a pen. I can hold a pencil the same, use it for writing and ultimately “perceive” of it as no different from a pen. But the reality is that a pencil is NOT a pen, and it’s NOT a matter of semantics.
Lies, which are untruths deliberately told to another, do not fall under subjective reality. There are some things in the normal and functional world that are wrong, and many of them are not subjective at all.
@ outside the box:
I agree with you on the difference between simple and easy. I usually assume that most of us have figured out that by the time we reach adulthood, human relations and life in general, are not easy. I suppose it’s one of those lessons we learn as we grown older and more experienced in life.
Thanks for coming by.
@ princessdominique:
I’m pretty certain no one likes being judged. I think that’s why it’s more and more popular to pretend to be “non-judgmental”. But how can we be good, honest or trustworthy if someone hasn’t judged us that way?
It’s not easy. I guess that’s why relationships, like our own person struggles, take constant work. I wish I had an answer.
Thank you for commenting.
Sadly we all claim not to judege folks but we do. Sometimes it can't be helped, but we don't have the right to judge others especially when we don't want them judging us. As far as the "I am what I am," that's all good if it is a decent person but if you are not you should try to change that.
I hadn't been around for some clandastine reasons to read your comment to me. So I'll just briefly go over it.
Although the idea of a pen vs. pencil is convincing on its face. It's actually not likely to stand up to more intense scrutiny. The reality for one person may not be the reality for another. Reality is a fluid thing. If reality is not subjective, then there would be no arguments over religion or emotional motivations. Leesa posted somethin' on her blog not that long ago, about a fortress turned into a church. If reality is as static as you say, then a fortress is always a fortress, no thing can be converted into something else. But see, that's not actually true now is it? That is why you can not apply subjective/objective reality to objects. Because subjection and objection are based upon human perception.
Objects are..objective that is why they are objects. What you _use_ an object for can be subjective. So you see, it's actually a lot more subjective that you believe. I'd go into this with more fervor, but I haven't slept in 12 days. I'm going to go pretend that life isn't fair...oh wait..but it is. People aren't fair. Hrm. Go figure.
I hadn't been around for some clandastine reasons to read your comment to me. So I'll just briefly go over it.
Although the idea of a pen vs. pencil is convincing on its face. It's actually not likely to stand up to more intense scrutiny. The reality for one person may not be the reality for another. Reality is a fluid thing. If reality is not subjective, then there would be no arguments over religion or emotional motivations. Leesa posted somethin' on her blog not that long ago, about a fortress turned into a church. If reality is as static as you say, then a fortress is always a fortress, no thing can be converted into something else. But see, that's not actually true now is it? That is why you can not apply subjective/objective reality to objects. Because subjection and objection are based upon human perception.
Objects are..objective that is why they are objects. What you _use_ an object for can be subjective. So you see, it's actually a lot more subjective that you believe. I'd go into this with more fervor, but I haven't slept in 12 days. I'm going to go pretend that life isn't fair...oh wait..but it is. People aren't fair. Hrm. Go figure.
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