Note: Due to the fact that I have no children, the following post does not even attempt to account for relationships where children are involved.

A HAUNTED HOUSE

I’m not completely sure if I believe in ghosts. I mean, once, some years back, I had an experience that really moved me. I can’t forget it. But that’s in the literal sense.

Figuratively speaking, we all deal with ghosts. There are people who were once in our lives who are no longer with us. There are loved ones who have gone beyond the living world. There are friends who have fallen out of touch, some due to conflict, others due to the failure to maintain a proper relationship. And there are past loves that are no longer there.

Ultimately, these ghosts are much like living memories that sometimes haunt us and our relationships.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… As time goes on, I see more and more that relationships are absolute. They either exist, or they do not. While we may sometimes use various euphemisms to denigrate and qualify the definitions of our conflicting conceptions of a "Relationship," it's important to remember that we are even in a relationship with that "Buddy," we see off and on. Perhaps it's a mind game to try and justify abusing others, or an attempt to keep from offending our own dignity. Who knows the true motivation? These days, I'm trying to organize life in a manner that is a bit more simple.

Only the nature of relationships vary, not whether they exist. There’s good ones and bad ones… weak ones and strong ones… superficial ones and spiritual ones… loving ones and hateful ones… life-long ones and good ol' one-nighters, but they are ALL relationships.

Letting go of the past is tough, we all know that. But come on, that old ghost of a girlfriend/boyfriend (or person briefly dated) we are tempted to hold on to probably isn’t going to be there in 15 years (maybe not even in 2), especially after family, children and life take root. But a true friend or mate, who is part of your life and has a future, will certainly be there if humanly possible.

So what of ghosts? What of the memories that permeate through our lives of people, places and things, long after the events/people that created them have now passed into the distance?

I wholeheartedly recognize that there are some serious realities to accept. I mean, come on, it’s unreasonable to think that our mates, friends or loved ones have no ghosts. For instance, the mother of a friend of mine had a boyfriend murdered by organized criminals. His memory is still there, though he has been dead for decades, and she has been married for over 30 years. His ghost is still with her.

I don’t have a problem with the existence of ghosts. What I have a problem with are “GHOSTS” who come back from the dead. Unless the Messiah has come, then spirits that have passed-on, should remain passed-on. Ghosts interfere with the business of the living. And relationships, like life, should be centered in the living and the current, not memories and fantasies. Clinging to these destructive apparitions is often founded in a false sense of security and a fear of being alone or unwanted. These feelings can allow us to create situations that allow ghosts to appear.

There are other tough realities to accept as well. Some ghosts are more unreasonable than others. I don’t think it’s reasonable to maintain ties to old lovers, especially when those ties are still strong. Life has to have purpose. And sometimes, we have to ask ourselves: WHAT IS THE PURPOSE? I have my doubts that “feelings” or “just friends” or possibly that worn-out “been through SOOOOO much” excuse, are adequate explanations to stay connected to a ghost.

Ghosts do funny things to people. Sometimes they make people feel safe, like an angel. Sometimes they are just restless souls who have not been allowed to fade into the past. Sometimes they represent a hope for something that can never be. Either way, I think they are MOST problematic when we hide them. Because when we act alone, and in secret maintain ties to the past, ghosts can push us to do things we later regret, or maybe even place us in situations that cannot be healed.

Have I hidden a ghost before… yes. Have I found that ghosts were hidden from me… yes. Was there always an excuse as to why there was a need to maintain these useless ties… HELL YEAH there was, and plenty of them. Should there be any excuse (of course, mine included) for not disclosing that kind of information… HELL NO!!!

My best friend’s mother is a brilliant psychologist. I still call for free advice when my heart is heavy. She once told me that when you hide things from those you love the most and know you the best, you often do it when you’re afraid of the truth. This couldn’t be more true when you hide secret ghosts who haven’t really vanished.

Relationships require sacrifice. That’s obviously not a one-way street. Both people have to endure the pain of severing ties with ghosts. There is nothing unreasonable about that sacrifice. It's tough to not be selfish by clinging to a past safety-net. Relationships are often like walking a tightrope. And sometimes, you have to work without a safety-net. It’s hard, because nothing is promised. But there are things we can do to cut down on the risk. Most notably, practicing physically and emotionally healthy habits.

WHY MAINTAIN A DOOMED RELATIONSHIP WITH A GHOST?

Why damn a potential future, with a broken past? Fear? Loneliness? Selfishness? Manipulation? Inability to move forward? Want to eat your cake, and as much cake as you want to eat too? User of people? Foolishness?

If those relationships weren’t meant to end, they wouldn’t have. Perhaps sometimes, we are not as ready to move forward as we think.

Bottom Line: Let the sleeping rest. Life is for the living.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo