1.07.2006

Are you transparent enough?

It is amazing how everybody demands transparency in every relationship without even showing a sign that there is transparency in his or her side. Back in the day I was trying to get into some type of relationship. It just did not work out. He was all I needed, but one thing, he was demanding transparency from my side but always covered up his side. Now I tell myself – what a jerk!!!

Why would one want or demand transparency? There are a million reasons but building a real and serious relationship is not one of them. I think it is selfish and childish to demand transparency. It is selfish because demanding something means you do not care and you want things to be done your own way.

First of all, just demanding something, which should be given, cheapens the person. That is at least what I think. I think if there is mutual respect none of the side should demand anything.

Secondly, why should one be with somebody when they are not getting what s/he wants? If you demand anything from any relationship, which should be given to you voluntarily, intuitively then you are in wrong relationship. Most people are naturally intuitive when it comes to relationship. We all know what is acceptable what is not. There is a common acceptance and rules. I would love to say scratch that and never look back, but society dictates us a lot of things. Making sense out of any relationship is one of them.

My last word -Never Fulfill anybody’s demand just because she/he wants it. If there is logic behind it, you want to do it, then you can do it. Do not forget to let the other person know that it is give and take world. If you kindness is abused it can exhaust faster than it thought to last.


With love,
No_the_Game

18 comments:

Theresa said...

Exposing ourselves to others requires trust. Genuine trust should be earned, not given away. We trust people who trust us.
We trust people we can count on.
We trust people who are like ourselves.
We trust people who care about us.
We trust people who take responsibility for their choices.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

Good post. Right on track.

Aisha T. said...

Demanding transparency....maybe because the work of exploring a significant other's personality is too much work? A cheat sheet? That doesn't necessarily make a relationship compatible and demanding such vulnerability without giving it is a lot to ask. That is something that is earned throughout a relationship with giving, taking, and trusting.

E said...

Good food for thought. I need to digest the lessons learned..:-)

nosthegametoo said...

Transparency is absolutely important. You hit the nail right on the head with this one. I’ve been in situations where the person I was spending time with demanded a high level of transparency from me, but could not provide the same. There were plenty of possible reasons. Maybe it was a fear of: intimacy, love, being close, trusting someone, understanding what a relationship is, letting go, being mindful of someone else’s feelings, dealing with selfishness, sharing their life plan, caring about someone else’s situation, or so on.

And Theresa, you’re absolutely correct. Once again, your insight is right on point.

I think that over time, transparency becomes a trust issue. One party is wondering whether or not the other is playing straight. The other party will want to retaliate if they are feeling neglected. Both parties become entangled in a tit-for-tat screwing with each other. For instance, maybe the definition of “personal time” is seen as an excuse to abuse the other, rather than time to attend to the much needed personal details we must deal with in order to be fully-functioning individuals.

Bottom line: Transparency is more a symptom. The true affliction is trust. And if trust is an issue, then your relationship is in serious need of care. It will die if left untreated. In the adult world, I think we’ve all found that out before.

Phenomenal Post!!!

mrs.tj said...

You are speaking the truth.
You ending remarks are words to live by.
Holla!

David Swartz said...

Hey it was nice of you to leave a comment on my blog site. I just posted my pics a couple of days ago. Was it the pic of the 'Young Lady' that you liked? Let me know.

Sincerely,

prometheusrex

Rell said...

Sometimes transparency can be a bad thing right -- like being too honest, don't you think. Isn't honesty to the point of hurting someone too honest?

No_the_game said...

Theresa,

U always add up to my knowledge. I totally agree with you on trust.

Aisha,

My philosophy on personality is simple- take your sweet time and get to know the person. It also depends how long you want to be with that particular person. If it is all about the fun and let me get it now or never then you should push if you do not get you want there is always NEXT...

Insanelysane ,... I am glad you like my stuff.

E- I am still learning. Sometimes I feel it is a lot easy to say than to do.

Nothegame2: Bloggie, I am glad you shared ur opinion.

Mrs.TJ, Do not you think sometimes knowing the truth is more painful? When I was younger I used to cry and ask God to make me dump...

prometheusrex glad to see you here. I hope I will see u again. I liked "Young Lady" pic. R u drawing them?

Rell,

Honestly hurts more than anything. However, what would you prefer, to be hurt little by little or get hurt and get over it?

Brea said...

On point as always. I hope you enjoy a great new year!! :)

Deb said...

Being in a serious relationship is supposed to be a two way street. It’s supposed to be a foundation of ‘friendship’ above all. Respect and caring for one another is so important. Putting demands on a person is stressful and not an act of love.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7

If you have anything less than the passage above, then it’s the wrong relationship.

Great post!!!

Rose said...

I want to know about people before involvement because they hide so much. Some things about folks are transparent but others not to easy to see. Trust is key in getting people to expose who they really are. Great post!

Leesa said...

You stated that "it is give and take world". That seems a bit harsh where love is concerned.

Like ~deb, I was thinking of Corinthians (it is in about 1/2 of the weddings I have attended, maybe more). I guess, I sort of see my relationship as me and hubbie against the world. I don't worry about the give and take part of the relationship - but that was not always the case. It just seems better now.

feels good b n FREE said...

so follow ur head???
not ur heart?

right?

Edz said...

So are you saying that we should never express our needs/desires in a relationship? For example, if I want my partner to give me more attention, shouldn't I ask for it?

I agree that transparency shouldn't be asked for, it's should be an "intuitive choice". But at the same time, some relationship needs to be build from start to end. Not everybody is good with intuitions. Some of us (probably me) can have a hard time managing our relation. For example, I find it hard to know exactly how to behave sometimes, so I make it my point to ask the person what he wants. Is that a proof that our relation is doomed since the beginning?
And it is also said: Ask and you will be given!!! I'm always asking, I'm always unsatisfied.

No_the_game said...

Diamond, Rubies, and Colapop,

Head should always lead. Because it is in the higher position than heart :)

Edz,

There is nothing wrong to tell a person how to satisfy your needs. However, if you are asking person over and over basic things, that should be given, then you are in a wrong relationship.

Most ppl stay in wrong relationship then become misrable. For sure, you should definately voice your concerns, if your parter does something that hurts you. If it is same music and different tune every time, beleive me gal friend, it is not a good sign.

There is nothing wrong to ask ur partner what he wants you to do when you enter relationship. Actually that shows that a person have interest. If u keep asking why would not you do this or that over and over ... Take time and think about it.

I am all about building relationship. Never forget it takes 2 persons to build it.

Just be patient & agressive with ur needs. Just be urself somebody will appreicate it. It will be somebody you appreciate too :)

emeralda said...

oh yeah you are so right. thanks for stopping by my blog byt he way...like always i manage to come back to people at exactly the point when their new post is very meaningful to me. so is this one. i just got into a relationship and i totally agree with you that transparency sucks. i think everybody should have their secrets. and i have to learn that i should not tell everything about me. that makes you sustainable.
very intriguing thoughts that you have...thanks for lurring me here ;-))
all the love!

piranha

Abreu, Jorge said...

Me likes... Me likes alot!!!!

Rose said...

You are so knowledgeable about love and self. Keep it up this is interesting.