ABRASIVESNESS AND TOUGH LOVE: Pt. I“I feel like I’m being judged.”
One of the most recent blessings in my life has been the addition of an unbelievable older mentor who is a wise grandfatherly figure. I must admit, in the secret and private part of my heart, I’m jealous of all the people who have stories about their beloved grandparents. I only had one grandmother, and my time with her was too short (I still ask God to watch over your soul, lovely flower). Having grandparents is an experience that I’ll never have. Looking back, I’m sure I’ve tried to fill that void with other older and wiser people in my life.
My mentor is a mean old man in his mid-eighties. I have no problem with that. In fact, I love him for it. I grew up around old men, and the men in my family can be quite mean as well. So, I’m plenty used to it. In fact, a whole lot of people in my life want to meet him after hearing me talk about him. He may be mean, but he’s honest. And not that “Brutal Honesty” mess either (In a previous post, I explained why I don't believe in that concept). He NEVER says things to be malicious; he just lacks tact sometimes. He’s so no-nonsense that it’s almost hilarious sometimes. He can use an abrasive language that makes his speech both shocking and entertaining. BUT HE’S NOT JOKING, AND HE IS USUALLY RIGHT ABOUT WHAT HE TEACHES. He’s even funnier when he’s dead serious.
How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?
Well… there are two quotes that I often hear from people around my age and younger. I’m not even sure I can call them quotes, they’re more like insecurities or complexes. To me, I seriously question their wisdom, and the wisdom of sharing these with others when they are in need of guidance and answers from wise people with the knowledge to help them. The first one:
“I feel like I’m being judged.”
First, EVERYONE is always being judged. Time to get over that. Recently, I’ve heard this several times, so it’s sticking out in my head. I have heard several people praise a “friend” in their life for this reason: “What I love about him/her, is that he/she doesn’t judge me. They never have anything to say about what I do.”
To me, this is crazy. I think most people are more afraid of the word “judgment” than they are of its reality. But I guess that also has to do with the fact that most people will never know a True Friend. No True Friend stands idly by while they watch you jump off a cliff because “hey, that’s what he/she wanted.” Obviously, there is only so much a person can do. I’M SPEAKING OF INTERVENING AND EXPRESSING REALITY TO SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT. Whether or not they accept it is a whole different story.
My mentor has done a whole lot to lift the veil from my dream world. He often says, “You’re Dreamin!” Not always in reference to me in particular, but about younger people as a whole. And he’s right, so many of us are living in a dream world, and are completely out of touch with the real world.
For so many people I come across, there is no greater sin than “being told something.” Ewwwww… that’s like the Bogey-Man. They think “being told” is just about the worst thing in the world. Tell them, “don’t cross the street at night without looking,” and they’ll do it, because they THINK they’re being tough or defiant. THEY’RE LIVING IN A DREAM WORLD.
I hate to break it to the folks with that mentality, but we’re judged all the time, and that’s not a bad thing. WHAT’S BAD IS TO BE JUDGED ON BEHAVIORS, CIRCUMSTANCES AND TRAITS THAT ARE OUT OF OUR CONTROL. Sometimes, judgments are very important. Our reputations give others an impression of us before we even meet them. Here are some realities to think about:
Why work with a person with a reputation for being professional? He/she has been judged that way by the people around them. Would you want to work with someone who “didn’t care” about whether or not people thought they were professional?
Would you lend money to someone who had a reputation for not paying it back? He/she has been judged that way by the people around them. Most people, myself included, would say “hell no.” (lending, not giving when someone is in need)
The same goes for our other behaviors. The reality is this: NOTHING IS FREE. This means that the benefits of doing what you want, have consequences. Certain behaviors lead to certain judgments. And people are not necessarily wrong for making conclusions about you from your behavior. YOU'RE LIVING IN A DREAM WORLD IF YOU THINK IT'S WRONG FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR TO BE JUDGED.
BEHAVE HOW YOU WANT, BUT DON’T BE A FOOL AND EXPECT OTHERS TO ACCEPT OR EVEN ASSUME THAT PEOPLE ARE WRONG TO JUDGE YOUR SILLINESS BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE JUDGED DIFFERENTLY, EVEN THOUGH YOUR BEHAVIOR SUGGESTS OTHERWISE.
WORDS MAY HAVE MEANING, BUT SO DOES BEHAVIOR. AND SOMETIMES, YOUR ACTIONS CAN SPEAK SO LOUD THAT YOUR WORDS NO LONGER NEED TO BE HEARD.
NOTE: Understand that I assume (and rightfully so) that everyone here understands some basics. However, I’ll clarify, just in case.
1) This post is not about kissing people’s behinds or living for others.
2) Obviously, it is up to the individual to determine whether the judgment is relevant.
3) Everyone you meet should not be privileged to make such judgments on you.
4) This post is still in the context of relationships.
5) NO… I’m not perfect.
6) Being thinking individuals gave us all the “right” to judge the world and everything in it for ourselves.
Peace and Love,
nosthegametoo
14 comments:
Absolutely love the post. Hate that you have not experienced long-living grandparents, but I enjoyed the post to no end.
Wise people are rare and their teachings are always meaningful.Having a wise man/woman around is such a blessing.
Why people are always fear of being judged?
Yes, it is so very true that behaviour and actions have a meaning and someone can be "seen" through these(I used seen instead of judged, only because the term judged is pretty rough).I think we are perceived by others through our actions and behaviour rather than being judged.
Sometimes being seen by others or judged means to be seen/judged by a mentality, or maybe misconceptions, prejudices,and I am reffering strictly to relationships and social relations.
I believe that fear of being judged comes from the fact that our image reflected in the others's mind is not always the true one, and we are so afraid of not being perceived how we really are.
There are always 3 images:
1)the way people have a percetion of us, based on their way of analyzing
2)the image we have created of ourselves, of what we wish to be
3)the way we really are
And all these mix.
In a relationship the fear of being judged comes from the fact that we want to be perceived as perfect as possible, we don't want the loved one to see our flaws for fear that love might be lost.
In a perfect world, with people wise and true, being perceived in the real way would be a good thing. But humans in their imperfection can only have a distorted image of others and even of the reality of life.
I have noticed that people judge the others but when it comes to be judged, no one likes that.
This was a great post because it brought back memories for me of my grandparents. I only knew one set=my fathers' parents. But I learned so much from them...
I have grandparents. Neither of my grandfathers is living now. On my mom's side, he died the year I was born. My father's side, died when I was 15. I liked him quite a bit. He would stand in the sun and his skin would be so red (Native American on my father's side). Long black hair...yeah we used to watch the trains together with my Uncle Frank. Anyhow, they're dead. Such is being human.
I've never really had a problem with people judging me. Judge me on my actions, they are the extension of thought. Judge me based upon my words, they are again the extension of my thought. But be sure that you judge me on the context in which they are said.
What I truly dislike is the judgement based upon untruths. There is nothing wrong with judgement, positive judgement is really nice; however, the judgement of others based upon unbalanced systems is entirely out of control in today's society.
How many people have judged me because of thoughts like "he's darker than me he must be bad" or "he speaks properly, he must be tryin' to pass" or other such moronic things? I can tell you quite a few, and how this pertains to relationships (sorry for being long winded)? Do you now how difficult it is to get a date with someone you find attractive because they are scared of the unknown? How you speak or how you walk or your interests all give people the ammunition they need to judge you. Fearing judgement is not the smart way to go about life, you have to speak soner or later. You have to be out in public, you wouldn't want to be a shutin the rest of your life now would you? hehe
Later days
I just hate being judged by people who don't know shit. My girlfriends will always want to tell me stuff about a dude, but then they run around and act like complete chickenheads. Overall good post.
Great post, I can definitely relate. I never got to know my grandparents that well, so your message was strong.
You send a positive, yet strong message ----who cares what other people think of us? No one really has the right to judge---BUT----they will anyway, because ALL people judge. It's only human, and we all do it, unfortunately. They say, "Oh it's not right to judge anyone..." Well, it would be nice if we all didn't... We're not perfect though.
For me---God is my only judge, and if people can't accept me for who I am---then so be it. I can whine about it all I want, and rant about it on my blog--but that's the only thing I "can" do... nothing else.
Great post! Keep up the great writing!
Warmest regards~
You have such great insight into human relationships. Like evryone else, I quite enjoyed this post.
~Deb
I don't think it's correct necessarily to say that people don't have the right to judge. If you think about it, it is the only facility that all human beings have in common, to judge what, by perspective is good/bad/indifferent/dangerous so on and so forth. But maybe what you're getting at is that people do not have any power over our overall life (unless we grant them this power over us on a case by case basis) to use this judgment to any real end (spiritually/physically/etc.).
In the end, it is all about who/what we want to be at any given moment and our actions and reactions to situations based on our perspective and understanding of their relevance to our state of being/mind that makes us who we are in our eyes and other's eyes. And in particular, it is the above things that fuel people's eventual coalescing of or degradation of similarities with regards to the ability to function within a relationship.
amber7dragonfly
Meant to put this in just one post along with the other by got sidetracked (that ADD thing). I can agree with you for the most part about people's fears of being judged I suppose. People want to be perceived by others in a fashion that puts the most favorable light on their better qualities, tempered by those qualities that are not so well understood or even accepted by the opposite sex or even same sex with regards to any relationship romantic or otherwise.
The issue really isn't that people are afraid of being judged so much as they are fearful of being judged based on misconceptions that may be taken more readily than what any given person perceives is correct. And in this society, who can blame them? Think about the bigotry and stigmas placed on certain behavior not only in the US but across the globe. This is one of the greatest heights of expression and technology to share that expression, and there is a certain amount of "oh wtf is that?" that goes on when anyone encounters without true understanding something new and foreign (locally or internationally). People are very afraid of others judging without all the knowledge necessary to make a well thought out and logical decision (basically).
People should understand (in general) that love isn't what someone likes about you that you like about you. It's about what someone likes about you that you hate about you.
grandparents always give so much -- all that knowledge!
Lovely!
so glad you have found this mentor! we can really learn so much from those our grandparents age.
Yeah we are always being judged. Good point. You know what, if people don't like what they see, too bad.
Hey I came across you site via Georgia Peach and I just had to comment because I loved the post. All of my grandparents are deceased and this just made me think of the good ole dayz when they were here! I miss them sooooo much.
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