EROSION:
THE EFFECTS OF THE STORM

“Weathering,” is the natural process by which rock, soil and minerals naturally disintegrate. The key here is that the process is natural, which distinguishes it from Erosion, which is usually associated with wearing down soil due to the movement of rock or the byproducts of the Weathering process.

The key here is that both of these processes diminish what was once solid and tangible. However, one is the result of time and nature, and the other is the result of natural but not inevitable factors. In fact, there are numerous ways to prevent Erosion, and conservationists around the world have made tremendous strides in protecting soil from Erosion.

How does this pertain to men and women’s misunderstandings of each other?

Well… when people talk about “weathering the storm” in terms of relationships, I don’t necessarily think of surviving brief or extended tumultuous periods. It should be quite obvious to most of us who have experienced adult relationships that there are times when you can’t stand the sight of your partner. But to me, “Weathering” in terms of relationships, makes me think more of “Erosion,” in terms of nature. And once it’s gone it’s not easy to replenish. Because trust, and emotions in general, are the most fragile parts of any relationship, I think that any effort to replenish them once they have been Eroded is rife with serious deficiencies.

There are so many ways to slowly wear down a relationship I don’t think I could begin to describe them. So I’ll offer an example in two parts. Two very specific relationships come to mind when I think of Erosion.

I had been dating a special little woman off and on for over a year. It was casual, but not really. I suppose it was an attempt to maintain a phony shroud of independence. This was probably due to the fact that both of us had been through traumatic romantic endings; our faith in, let’s say the “goodwill,” of our respective opposite sexes was less than certain, to say the least. But essentially it just wasn’t one of those “causal” relationships, as neither of us was actively dating or seeing other people (At least as far as I know. Though I trust that she didn’t).

I can remember several instances where I cancelled a planned engagement on short notice, or was unprepared in a timely manner. She said to me that over time, this was affecting her opinion of my word. She said that she needed me to be dependable and that canceling on short notice diminished the quality of my word. Now, any cancellation of mine wasn’t anything like two minutes in advance, but it might have been two hours, or a day prior. I can accept her criticism. Although, in my defense, she was ultra-uptight, and these instances were not a common occurrence during our time together. And also, she had a tendency to do the same when it came to leaving the house, rather than meeting for an outside engagement. If she was working or focused on something it was alright for our plans to take a backburner. But either way, over time, my actions had an Eroding effect on her faith in my reliability. Though I think it was a bit excessive and melodramatic (as she tended to be), I made a note of it and I am conscious of it.

Then, there was this lovely young lady I used to date who had a bit of a selfish streak. Well, not a bit, she had trouble considering the thoughts and emotions of others. Ass-kissing is one thing, but a failure to be considerate is the kiss-of-death for a relationship over time. She actually said to me once: “A man’s pleasure should come from pleasing a woman.” Now, I have no problem pleasing a woman (can you hear me tooting my own horn??), but that WAS her idea of intimacy. She believed that any intimacy in the relationship should revolve around her pleasure, in any and every capacity. It was quite demanding.

After a while, I began to feel less and less intimate when I spent time with her. We even began to have contentious episodes over this issue. After each one, I began to realize more and more that she may never understand how she was choosing to degenerate the communication in our relationship into resentful passive-aggressive actions, and how intimacy became a chore. She actually thought it was connected to something physical. I tried to explain it on more than ten occasions, though she would never listen. Because of her upbringing she connected being independent to being defiant, so she was constantly playing outrageous power games. I don't really think she understood that I wasn't playing the same game. She even thought it was cute to mock me when we talked about it and pretend like it was funny. That was a very tough characteristic to deal with, let alone get along with.

Eventually, our physical intimacy suffered dearly. I became less enthusiastic about our romance because I knew that she had no intention of reciprocating any intensity I initiated. Sometimes, she would even go out of her way to avoid any physical pleasure during any form of an intimate moment to deliberately demonstrate her discontent. Funny enough, she really had no idea that by diminishing your partner’s pleasure you inevitably diminish your own. Intimacy is like a dance. One partner can’t just stand still and expect to be whisked around the room all night long.

Ultimately, it’s important to learn to be conscious of the ways that we Erode our relationships. It’s seldom just one partner, but sometimes, one partner is far more culpable than the other. The difficult part is figuring out which one of you is Eroding the relationship. It’s easy to point your finger. But I assure you, sometimes, the problem is YOU. Has the problem been ME before… probably.

My basic question is this: how often do people realize that they are DIRECTLY responsible for diminishing the quality of their relationship? I mean, we all play the victim with our friends and family, but is that always true?

Man, keeping a relationship healthy is no joke. No wonder so many people’s relationships fall apart. That stuff is not easy. Choosing a partner is serious business.

Peace and Love,

nosthegametoo